PPC: From the Files of RC 3-Apple-14
by Iximaz
Summary: Rina Dives and Randa Roan are new agents in the Department of Mary Sues, freelance division. Together, they learn how to fight bad fanfiction and protect the multiverse.
1. Ordelya's Untimely End

_The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. I don't own Harry Potter, and even though I wish I could claim that, it belongs to the amazing J.K. Rowling. I don't own the fanfic_The Marauderette_, as that belongs to quidditchlover and she can keep it. I do, however, own Agent Rina, and one of my friends has graciously agreed to loan me Agent Randa for a partner._

_This is written and posted with Permission from the PPC community._

* * *

><p>Randa twisted the last strand of hair cord around her yo-yo and held it up for Rina to see. "What do you think?"<p>

"It's hairy good," Rina said dryly.

"Ha ha. You said it yourself- Sue hair is unbreakable. I needed something like that for my yo-yo." Randa flicked her wrist, sending the yo-yo spinning to the ground. The cord glittered suspiciously when it caught the light. "Perfect for passing time, tying up Sues, and smacking strumpets on the head. I just wish I didn't owe my first paycheck..."

Rina laughed and motioned for Randa to toss her the yo-yo. At a glance, it seemed harmless, but the longer Rina examined it, her eyes began to water from the urple flecks embedded in the heavy steel. One good wallop could knock out almost anything.

"So, you're absolutely sure you want to use this as a weapon?" Rina asked. "I mean, if we run into a Sue who uses a sword, you'll be an easy target…"

"That's why I have you to protect me, no?" Randa said, taking the yo-yo back and performing a forward pass.

[BEEEEP!]

Randa was unable to stop the yo-yo before it hit the large red button on the console.

"You hit it, you answer it," Rina said, moving to retrieve her crowbar. Randa checked the readout and grinned.

"You're going to love this. Christ, that's bad…"

Rina paused. "Am I going to start raging?" she asked warily.

"Well, judging by the title, this Sue becomes the fifth Marauder-"

"_What?_" Rina darted over to the console to see for herself. Her jaw dropped; the summary alone made her want to claw her eyes out.

**What if Dumbledore had a daughter… Ordellya? What if she was friends with the Marauders, Lily Evans AND Severus Snape? Would there be trouble? Uh… DUH! (Marauders: 3RD year Ordellya: first year)**

"Ugh! Ugh ugh ugh!" Rina gripped her hair as she stared in dismay at the screen. A faint humming noise behind her barely registered in her mind. "_Seriously?_" she said, glaring up at the ceiling. "Our first mission, and you decide to give us _this? _Do you think this is _funny?_"

"Okay, I think I got the portal working all right, and I set the disguise generator for Generic Gryffindor- uh, Rina?" Randa waved a hand in front of Rina's face. "Hey, you haven't snapped already, have you? Those talking plants are freaky, but I don't think even they can hear you."

Rina shook her head. "No, I- I'm fine. It's just- gah!" She gestured at the console.

Randa gnawed on her lip, thinking. "If you want, you can kill our first Sue," she offered.

Judging by the way Rina's eyes lit up, that might not have been the best decision. "Oh, _yes, _please_,_" she said, a slightly manic grin spreading across her face. She stuck her crowbar in her belt and stepped through the portal, Randa right behind.

They arrived on the Hogwarts Express and Rina immediately got distracted from their mission.

"Randa. _Randa,_" Rina said, her eyes wide, "we're in the Potterverse. We're on the Hogwarts Express! This is- this is-!" She grinned, bouncing in place. "I don't know why anyone would hate this job; we're on the freaking _Hogwarts Express!_ Ooh, this is the Marauders' time- I bet we could find Remus and the others-"

Something in Rina's coat pocket buzzed. She reluctantly pulled out her Character Analysis Device, glanced at it, and dropped it like a hot potato. Randa stooped and picked it up, wondering what it said.

[Agent Rina Dives. PPC Agent. 2.03% Sue.]

"Um, I think you might want to tone down the stereotypical 'fangirl finds herself in her favorite fandom' attitude," Randa said. Rina's face had gone white.

"Yeah," she said shakily. She took the CAD from Randa and shoved it back in her pocket. "Let's just… let's go find a compartment."

Randa nodded and led the way down the corridor. She frowned; something about the train seemed off.

"Rina," Randa said suddenly, "Where are all the students?"

Rina frowned. "I guess the narrative wasn't descriptive enough to populate the train outside of where the Sue is," she said. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oy vey."

At least that made finding a compartment easy; Randa just opened the nearest door and plunked herself down on a seat.

Rina claimed the seat opposite, her eyes slightly unfocused as she read the Words. "Hang on- the fic starts in Dumbledore's office. Why are we on the train?"

"Would you rather we popped into Dumbledore's office where our Sue could easily see us and point us out?"

Rina harumphed and crossed her arms. Randa was right- and that only irritated her more as she read the prologue.

**Ordellya was bounding around her dad's office, at five years old. Her father was none other, than Albus Dumbledore.**

_THUNK!_

"Whaa?" Randa jumped at the sudden noise from the roof.

_THUNK! THUNK!_

"I think this is a comma storm," Rina said through her teeth. "Oh, great, and now we have tense changes."

**Almost everyone knew of her, but no one has ever seen here, give or take a few ghost and the professors, or people close to her dad.**

"Only one ghost?" Randa mused. "Hogwarts must have had a mass exorcism or someth- wait, 'no one has ever seen _here_'?" She giggled, which turned into an all-out guffaw when she saw Rina's baffled and outraged expression.

**Ordellya was an outgoing, spunky and cunning girl, even at five years old. She wasn't spoiled like most people thought of her to be, but she did have her ways of getting what she wanted.**

Rina began to beat her head against the window. "You-" _Bang. _"are-"_ Bang. _"Veruca-" _Bang. _"Salt-" _Bang. _"incarnate!" _Bang. _"And it's 'like most people thought her to be', the _of_ is totally unnecessary!"

"Hey, Rina, calm down," Randa said soothingly. "Save the righteous fury for when we read the charge list."

Rina's only answer was to bang her head against the window once more. "And of course her mother died of a generic cancer! GAH!" The window and her forehead were going to become very well acquainted by the end of the train ride.

Or at least, they would have become very well acquainted had the story, now caught up to the agents, not changed scenes. The agents found themselves standing on the Hogsmeade station platform, both feeling ill.

Randa suppressed a burp. "Oof... that taco was definitely better the first time around."

**"FIRST YEARS! FIRST YEARS THIS WAY!"**

"And now she's butchering Hagrid's speech," Rina muttered, her hand twitching to the crowbar hidden beneath her robes. The Sue was at the front of the crowd of first years… it would be easy enough to just push past them and-

_No_. Rina clenched her fists and shoved them in her pockets. She wasn't going to screw up their first mission by completely ignoring regulations and killing the Sue without charging her.

Randa, who was growing increasingly worried by Rina's foul mood, decided portaling them to the next scene would be best. They appeared in the Great Hall near the Gryffindor table. Randa quickly pushed Rina into a seat, realizing only a split second later that this was a mistake.

Rina had gone completely still, her eyes so wide they looked about ready to fall out of her head. "Re- Re-"

"Oh, crap," Randa muttered. She grabbed her partner's arms. " Deep breaths! Count to ten- no, make that thirty- just don't glomp-"

With a massive effort, Rina tore her gaze away from the boy (who was completely unaware of the two girls who had appeared out of nowhere) that was sitting next to her. "Randa, that's _Remus Lupin!_" Her mouth was stretched into an almost unnaturally large grin and she was breathing in short gasps. "_That's Remus John Lupin, sitting right next to me_eemmph!"

Randa had clamped a hand over Rina's mouth. "Calm. Down!" she hissed. "Here, look at the sky!" She forced Rina's head up to look at the ceiling, which had manifested a blushing face.

**It was charmed.**

"Oh dear Rowling. I can't handle this," Rina moaned as the first years, Sue and all, walked into the Great Hall. They stopped in front of the Sorting Hat, which began to sing the song from the first book.

A twitch appeared in Rina's cheek. "This is 1973, not 1991! And you're not even copying it correctly!" She dropped her head to the table in despair. Randa patted her back and watched the students be called up by 'Aunt Minnie' to be Sorted. The names were… interesting, to say the least.

**"Bisque, Roland"**

**"HUFFLEPUFF!"**

**"Bones, Anthony,"**

**"HUFFLEPUFF!"**

**"Borken, Leanna"**

The two missing periods and the misplaced comma would ordinarily send Rina into an apoplectic rage, but the name 'Borken' caused her to snort into her hands. Randa actually had to stuff her sleeve in her mouth to muffle her laughter.

Their amusement quickly died when it was the Sue's turn.

**"Dumbledore, Ordellya," I looked at Cayleigh as I went up to the stool.**

It was rather odd to watch the Sue call herself up to be Sorted, but it was just plain awful when the very loud whispers began to spread through the hall.

**"Dumbledore!? That's her!"**

**"Is that really her?"**

**"EK! I might get to meet her!"**

**"Dude, she's hot!"**

Rina and Randa gagged simultaneously.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Rina growled. "She's _eleven,_ for the love of Merlin! At best, she'd be 'cute'!"

"She said EK," Randa sniggered. "It's such a beautiful word, isn't it? EK. EK EK EK-"

Rina swatted her. "EK is right," she said grimly. "Look what the Sorting Hat has to say."

**"Hmm… I see. You are very brave and daring. Like in the corridor, eh.**

"But that wasn't- she only- nothing happened except for her telling someone to shut up!" Randa wailed quietly.

**You love a good challenge. Yet you have a very good mind. Witty and intelligent. You love o learn things. You are also very loyal. You want to stick by your friends through everything, but their is also a part of you that is cunning and sly. You love to do pranks and tricks on people, and succeed in them. Very difficult. Difficult indeed. But what's this, you want to have friends, true friends, and you would do anything to help and protect them, even risk things. I've got the perfect house for you."**

**"GRYFFINDOR!" **the Hat yelled. Everyone at the table began cheering, more loudly than they had for anyone else, of course. Rina bit back a noise of disgust when the Sue flounced over and pushed Rina aside, freeing up the seat next to Remus.

Randa, meanwhile, seemed to be doing a fairly accurate portrayal of a goldfish. Rina had to force her partner to duck when **the rest of the sorting flew by**. She shook her head as the Sorting Hat zoomed around the Hall, causing the candles it passed to sputter.

**"Alright, newer and older students. Shall we begin the banquet? I think so!"** Professor Dumbledore said, sitting back down despite the fact that he'd never stood in the first place. The story amended this by having the poor headmaster keep leaping from his seat, like a repeated scene caused by a scratched DVD.

The Generic Feast appeared on the tables and the Sue screamed, practically in Rina's ear, **"EK! My favorite."** She pointed to a Generic Food.

**"Mine too!" **Remus said.

Rina went completely still. "No. No. No no _no no no..._" She turned to Randa in horror, but a sudden dizziness caused her vision to go black for a moment.

**"EK! My favorite,"** the Sue screeched, pointing to a now- defined Yorkshire Pudding.

**"Mine too!"** Remus said.

"What the _hell?_" Randa's face was an unpleasant greenish tinge.

Rina swallowed down the bile in her mouth and glanced at the Words. "I think we've just experienced our first recap," she said darkly.

The Sue glanced shyly at Remus before looking down at her lap. Rina's fingernails dug into her palms hard enough to break the skin.

Remus and Ordellya introduced themselves and shook hands, not letting go for at least seven seconds.

**Three guys chuckled at me this time.**

**"I'm James Potter," the one with black hair introduced, and Hazel eyes.**

Rina and Randa stared, revolted, at the pair of eyes (that were named Hazel, for the record) that briefly appeared in the seat next to James.

**"And I'm Sirius Black," the one with the other black hair and black eyes said.**

"Gray, they were gray, dammit! Snape and Hagrid have black eyes! Not Sirius," Rina hissed.

Peter was mentioned once; he suddenly popped into existence for less than a second before vanishing, never to be seen again save for one line near the end of the story.

**About halfway through the feast, the ghost showed up.**

**Sir Nicholas' head went through the potatoes. Almost all of the first years jumped. Cayleigh looked really startled and disturbed.**

**"Hello, Sir Nicholas," I said to him. He looked at me, and his face brightened.**

Randa shut her eyes in time to avoid being blinded by the ghost's suddenly shining face; Rina, who was still fuming about the Sue going for Remus, was left blinking spots out of her vision.

**"Ah, hello 'Della," a he said back.**

**The others looked confused.**

**"Della?" Cayleigh asked.**

**"That's my nickname for him, Della," I responded.**

Randa was now having an extremely difficult time not bursting out into laughter, especially when the ghost's nickname was changed from Nearly Headless Nick to Della.

**"Hey, I'm going to call you Delly, kay?" **Sirius said.

The Canon Analysis Device in Rina's pocket vibrated. Trying to be discreet, she pulled it out and read it under the table.

[Sirius Black. Canon. 47.35% out of character.]

**"I'll call you that too," **Remus said, smiling dazedly at the Sue.

Dreading the result, Rina pointed the CAD at Remus.

[Remus Lupin. Canon. 68% out of character.]

Randa put a calming hand on Rina's shoulder as the Sue and Remus looked deeply into each others' eyes.

It was a merciful distraction when Dumbledore made a Generic Speech about staying out of the Forbidden Forest, then asked the 'Perfects' to show the first years to their common rooms. The agents waited until the Sue left before Randa opened a portal to the Gryffindor common room. They didn't move more than a minute forward in the story, but the Marauders (minus Peter) had somehow managed to get to the common room in that brief period.

The agents settled themselves on the hearth rug, staring around the common room. At least, Randa was staring around the common room. Rina was mostly just staring at Remus.

The portrait hole opened after a few minutes and the first years came in. Another 'perfect' gave a brief explanation of the dorm arrangements, then just faded out of view, his purpose in the story served. Rina growled when Sue decided to sit next to Remus; he jumped, looking like he was about to bolt.

**"Dang, Delly, you scared me," he said, frightened.**

Rina's CAD began to vibrate alarmingly. [Remus Lupin. Canon/ noncanon/ canon/ whatevenisthis/ noncanon/ canon/ everythinghurtsjustkillmenow/ ERROR-]

Randa grabbed the smoking device and muted it, whistling innocently when the Sue glanced around. She didn't seem to have noticed anything unusual and promplty reassumed her flirting with Remus. Rina began to tremble, her self-control nearly at its end.

"Don't worry, we have a time warp coming up soon. This won't be long," Randa said anxiously.

Rina hissed through her teeth. "Can't we just kill her now? This is awful!"

"Not yet. Patience, young Padawan." Randa grinned and ducked Rina's halfhearted swipe.

The floor suddenly began to tremble; the sky seen in the window changed from black to pale blue and back again before it finally stopped at pale blue. Rina toppled over on the rug, clutching at her head and moaning. Randa crawled over to the fireplace when her stomach decided it had had enough.

"Yeah," she said shakily when her stomach had emptied itself, "those tacos were definitely better the first time." She wiped her mouth and checked the Words. She groaned. "She woke up at seven a.m. in the morning. Seven a.m. in the- do we need to call the Department of Redundancy Department?"

"Just send them a note," Rina said. "You know, just a quick message. Make it brief. Don't take too long."

Randa gave her the stink-eye. "You're still not funny." She sent a short memo to the Department of Redundancy Department (the department that deals in redundancies, you know) just as the Marauders, still Peterless, came downstairs. They stood in the middle of the room like cardboard cutouts, not even moving when one of the bit characters, Cayleigh, joined them.

"Look out!" Rina suddenly tackled Randa to the floor as a giant line of text attempted to smash them in the face.

**(uniform on profile)**

"Oh, that is _it._" Rina drew her crowbar and lunged at the in-text author's note. The instant they collided, the text disappeared, sending Rina sprawling.

The Marauders, of course, didn't notice a thing, and the bit character might as well have been a statue without the Sue to animate her.

Speaking of the Sue…

The agents dived behind the sofa as the Sue skipped down the stairs. **"Aw, did you guys wait for me."**

**"Why of course we did. You're our friend," **Remus said with an unpleasantly familiar sappy smile.

Rina twitched.

The Sue, bit, and Marauders decided to get breakfast. Rina and Randa followed them, ducking behind suits of armor and statues to remain hidden.

**"Y'all want to know a short-cut?" **the Sue asked.

"Oh, no, don't even think about it, don't even think about it, don't even think about it," Rina began chanting.

**"We already know all the short-cuts," James said.**

Hyphenating shortcut," Randa said, raising her eyebrows. "Bah. Well, at least she got something right about them knowing all the-"

**"Well, do you know this one?" **The Sue walked over to a suit of armor. **"Ανοιγμα," **she whispered. **Ανοιγμα was Greek for open up. (It really is)**

Randa's yo-yo shot out and hit the second author's note before it could hit either of the agents. Rina didn't even notice through her emotional haze of fury.

**I looked back at them and the guys mouth had dropped. I smirked and winked at them then looked at Cayleigh. She was looking at them too. I could see a faint smirk on her face too.**

The Sue and company disappeared into the noncanon passage and the suit of armor slid back into place.

"SON OF A WERECHIHUAHUA!" Rina bellowed, delivering a vicious kick to the wall. "MAKING THE MARAUDERS NOT MMph!"

Once again, Randa was forced to clamp a hand over Rina's mouth. Rina's indignant cries were muffled, but she began thrashing, her feet putting dents in the armor that hid the tunnel.

"Sorry about this." Randa winced as she clonked Rina on the head with her yo-yo. Rina went limp, her sudden dead weight nearly knocking Randa down. Randa managed to drag Rina behind a statue and propped her against the wall, then held up the yo-yo so Rina could smell the string, which held a residual Sue-scent of lilacs, lavender, honeysuckle, clover, roses, and sunshine.

Rina gagged and began coughing, but at least she was awake. She gingerly felt her scalp and winced when her fingers touched an already growing lump. "Did you _hit _me?"

"You were going into capslock rage," Randa said, grabbing Rina's face and examining her eyes. "Pupils look the same size," she muttered. "Rina, what's two plus two?"

"Are you trying to trick me?" Rina asked suspiciously. "Like, if I say 'four', you'll say, 'wrong, it's bacon', or something stupid like that?"

"Okay, you're fine." Randa held out a hand and pulled Rina to her feet. "And for the record, two plus two equals fish."

"Ohhh…" Rina moaned, doubling over and grabbing at her head.

"Rina?!"

"The Words, Randa- lookit- please kill me-"

The Sue had called Professor McGonagall 'Aunt Minnie' again, used 'ya' for at least the third time in the fic, forgotten to use quotation marks for one of James' lines, given the first years Divination as a class, and-

"Double classes are only fifteen extra minutes?" Rina was about ready to cry. Randa, however, suddenly started laughing.

"'Yay! We have lying lessons tomorrow!'" she quoted, leaning against the wall for support. "And then she 'grabbed me stuff'!"

The palm of Rina's hand was introduced to her forehead. "She's going to run into Snape and Lily in a moment," she said, grabbing the remote activator from Randa and opening a portal. "Come on."

They appeared in another Generic Corridor and peered around the corner, watching as the Sue conveniently bumped into Lily Evans. It wasn't a bad collision by any stretch of the imagination, but the Sue still got knocked back several feet, landing on her butt with a satisfying _thump._

**"Oh my gosh. I'm _so _sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going," **Lily said in a monotone.

**"It's fine. I wasn't looking where I was going either, so it's not just your fault," **the Sue said. For some odd reason, Lily grabbed the Sue's bag before helping its owner to stand.

**"I'm Ordellya Dumbledore," **the Sue said.

**"Oh, I'm Lily Evans, and that over there, is Severus Snape."**

The agents both winced at the misplaced comma.

**"So, your in Gryffindor, of course," **Lily continued in the same dead voice. Rina began to twitch again; her already-thin tolerance for it's/its, they're/their/there and you're/your mixups was almost used up. The only reason she'd lasted this long was because mistakes like that were pretty much inevitable in badfics.

The Sue answered Lily before she turned her attention to Snape. **"Yes, I am. What house are you in? I didn't see you at the table, so I assume your not in Gryffindor,"**

**"You are correct. I'm not in Gryffindor, i'm in Slytherin," He answered.**

"Bad capitalization, wrong you're/your, lack of periods and quotation marks- is there anything still sacred in this story?" Rina asked, her lip curling.

Randa grabbed hold of Rina's arm for balance just before another poorly-executed transition could make them lose their balance. The transition dumped them at the entrance to the Great Hall just in time to see the Slytherins suddenly decked out in 'tutu's', with a sign hanging above the table:

**Why don't you dance for us?**

**sincerely, The Marauders.**

Rina took a deep breath, walked calmly to the front doors, and stepped outside before shrieking like a banshee.

"THAT WAS THE MOST GOD-AWFUL PRANK I'VE EVER SEEN IN A FIC!"

**I gaped at them. That was a pretty good prank.**

"NO IT WASN'T!" Rina dropped to her knees in the grass, sobbing hysterically when the 'marauders' randomly decided to tell Ordellya who they were. Randa put a comforting arm around Rina's shoulders.

"It hurts s-so m-much," Rina wailed, burying her face against Randa's neck.

Randa patted her on the back, thinking to herself that they'd be better off not taking any missions involving the Marauders for a while. Maybe they'd stay away from Harry Potter in general.

When another parenthetical author's note zoomed over their heads, disappearing into the Forbidden Forest, Rina coughed, hiccuped several times, and stood, only to dive for cover as more commas rained down around them.

**I fell, once again, on my butt, and looked up to see, none other than, Severus standing there.**

At that point, the story decided to warp back and repeat that last line, which caused yet another punctuation downpour. Rina shook her head- bad idea; it only made her throbbing headache worse- and focused on the Words.

"Well, she has a stupid and pointless exchange with Snape, then she- WHAT THE HELL IS PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY DOING AS DIVINATION TEACHER IN 1973?!"

Randa jumped at Rina's outburst. "...could you please explain at a normal volume?" she asked carefully.

Rina's fingernails dug into her palms. "In _Half-Blood Prince_, Dumbledore told Harry he hired Trelawney after she made the prophecy about the wizard destined to defeat Voldemort," she said. Her voice trembled despite her best efforts to keep it steady. "That prophecy is what caused Lily and James to go into hiding, and we know they were in hiding for about a year before they were killed, which happened on October 31, 1981. Professor Trelawney, therefore, would have been hired in 1980. She's teaching at Hogwarts _seventeen years _before she should be." Rina rubbed her face and glanced at Randa. "I know there are only two chapters left, but I think I'll go flamethrower-crazy if I have to watch her prank the Marauders, drive a bulldozer over Latin and mangle Italian in the process, change the POV to Remus', _kiss him on the cheek,_ integrate herself as the 'Marauderette', and make the Marauders Animagi two years too early. _She needs to die._"

Randa didn't think it would be that difficult for Rina to get her hands on a flamethrower, and considering how much she loved the Marauders, there was a very good chance that she would start running through the halls of HQ screaming "Mr. Rogers! Mr. Rogers!"

That really wouldn't make for a good ending of their first mission.

"Okay, let me just set the portal-" Randa yelped when something large, brown, and hairy scuttled over her foot.

"Oh, you're so _cute!_" Rina squealed, scooping up the spider. "Look, Randa, our first mini-Aragog!"

"Mini-Aragogses, yesss, preciousessss, we are," the mini hissed, sending chills up Randa's spine.

"What's its, uh, name?"

"We's called Mcgonagoll, preciousss," Mcgonagoll answered. He climbed up Rina's arm to her head and perched there like an ugly toupee. His brown fur blended almost perfectly into her hair.

"Can we keep him?" Rina asked, giving Randa her best Bambi eyes. The effect was kind of ruined by the giant spider on her head, but it didn't stop her from trying.

Randa suppressed a shudder. "Uh… sure. Just keep it away from me, okay?"

Mcgonagoll clicked his pincers at her as she opened a portal back to HQ. As soon as the spider was through, Randa killed the connection and allowed herself to finally shudder.

"Don't worry, you won't even know he's there," Rina promised, hefting her crowbar. "Now then…"

Another portal was opened, this one leading to the end of the fic. The agents stepped through before Randa realized she had it set for a moment too early. They arrived just in time to see the Sue give Remus a long kiss on the cheek.

With a roar, Rina dived at the Sue, tackling her to the ground. The Sue's power over the story lessened when she was attacked, causing Peter to pop back into existence and the Marauders to all blink and shake their heads.

Randa pulled out her yo-yo and tied up the Sue while Rina stepped forward, pulling a pair of sunglasses from her coat and putting them on.

"Marauders, could I have your attention, please?"

"What the hell just happened?" Sirius demanded, giving the Sue a disgusted glance. "That prank on the Slytherins _sucked._ And who are you guys? What's going on?"

Randa, her hands full of struggling Sue, squeezed her eyes shut.

Rina activated the neuralyzer, silently apologizing when the Marauders' eyes glazed over. "Sorry to bother you," she said. "Prefect business, nothing you need to worry about now."

Randa finished tying up the Sue and Rina opened another portal, this time to Dumbledore's office.

"Professor!"

Dumbledore reached for his wand but was stopped by the neuralyzer flash. "You had an extremely bizarre dream that you had a daughter, okay? Have a nice term!"

Another portal took them to the top of the Astronomy Tower.

Randa dropped the Sue on the ground and planted a foot on her chest, holding her in place. Rina grabbed a fistful of the Sue's robes.

"Ordellya Dumbledore," she spat, "You have been charged with being the uncanonical daughter of Albus Dumbledore and a _woman, _having an unnamed mother who died of Generic Cancer, pretending you're not a spoiled brat when you'd make Veruca Salt ashamed of you, ruining Hagrid's speech, saying All Slytherins are Evil, calling Professor McGonagall 'Aunt Minnie', and using the 1991 Sorting Hat song in 1973, somehow managing to butcher said song even though that could have been easily avoided.

"You are also charged with having boys lusting after you and calling you 'hot' even though you're eleven- do you realize how freakin' _creepy _that is?- allegedly having qualities of all four Houses (that's Houses with a capital 'H', by the way), calling Nearly Headless Nick 'Della' and turning him into a flashlight, immediately becoming best friends with the Marauders and completely forgetting Peter's existence, capitalizing random words for no reason, using 'EK' and 'ya' way too many times, and using 'EK' and 'ya' in the first place.

"_Furthermore_, you are charged with having a better knowledge of the castle than the Marauders, driving me insane and forcing Randa to knock me out with a _yo-yo_ of all things, attempting to beat your readers over the head with in-text author's notes, using Greek for no reason other than to show you're Speshul, having the Marauders pull a lame prank, being friends with the Marauders _and_Lily _and _Snape, having Professor Trelawney be the Divination teacher seventeen years earlier than canon, having first years take Divination as a class, having more time warps than the Doctor would ever approve, causing myself and Randa to be sick from a particularly bad one, sending Remus to Way the Hey Out of Character Land, making up stupid spells like 'Verita 2 ora', and misspelling McGonagall as Mcgonagoll and spawning a mini.

"Finally, you are charged with pulling a lame prank on the Marauders and making them all look like idiots, making the Marauders Animagi in their third year- for the love of Merlin, Remus says it very clearly in _Prisoner of Azkaban_ that they didn't manage it until their _fifth_ year!- and not making Animagi/Animagus proper nouns, switching to Remus' point of view for no reason, using apostrophes to form plurals, _not _using apostrophes and unintentionally creating plurals, constant abuse of the words its, it's, there, their, they're, your, and you're, and having a really, really stupid name. For all of these crimes, you have been sentenced to die."

Randa blinked as Rina cleared her throat and pulled her crowbar from her belt. "Did you seriously recite that from memory?" Randa asked.

Rina tapped herself on the head. "Semi-eidetic memory, Randa. If it's important to me, it's very hard to forget." She frowned. "That doesn't mean I'll do this all the time. This one just made me so damn angry-"

"I get it," Randa said quickly before Rina could start ranting again. She ungagged the Sue. "So, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Ordellya began to blubber. "It's n-not my fault I'm special! My d-dad is the m-most powerful wizard in the w-world and he'll make you p-pay-"

"That's enough of that." Rina swung her crowbar and hit the Sue over the head, knocking her out instantly. "Set a portal to the next full moon," she ordered.

Randa's eyes widened. "You wouldn't make Remus-?"

Rina flinched. "Oh, God, no! No, I was thinking we give her to Greyback."

"Now that's evil." Randa fiddled with the remote activator and opened a portal that overlooked a moonlit forest. A blood-chilling howl made the agents shiver.

Meanwhile, Rina had untied the Sue and neatly coiled the yo-yo. The moment the portal was active, she grabbed the Sue by the ankles and gleefully flung her through.

Randa had had the foresight to open the portal several yards above the ground so the werewolves were unable to reach them. It also gave them a very nice view as the Sue was ripped to pieces by a dozen or so slavering beasts.

"Oof," Randa muttered, turning away. "I can't watch."

Rina sighed, but she closed the portal and opened another to HQ.

RC 3-Apple-14 looked the same as it did before, though its gray Generic Surface walls and floor looked even more drab after the color of the Potterverse (something even the Sue couldn't entirely suppress). Rina went to toss her crowbar on her bed before heading to the console to type up the mission report. Randa went to lie down on her own bed, only to find it was already occupied.

"We likes this bed, preciousss," Mcgonagoll hissed. "This is ours now, yes it isss."

Randa screamed.

The offending mini was quickly scooped up and set on Rina's bed. "You can stay here until… um, well, I guess until you get a web spun?" She glanced at Randa, but all she got was a shrug and an accusing glare.

"You said I wouldn't even know that thing is here," Randa said, swatting at her blankets like she was expecting more minis to emerge.

"Sorry." Rina gave Mcgonagoll a stern look. "Don't bother Randa, okay?"

"No botherings the fat hobbitses," Mcgonagoll promised. Bad choice of words. Rina swung around and jabbed a finger at what she thought was Mcgonagoll's face.

"Randa is not _fat,_" she said, her voice dangerously low. "She is _huggable, got it?_"

Mcgonagoll clicked his pincers angrily and burrowed under Rina's blankets.

"You'd better get a nest spun before I go to bed," Rina warned. There was no response other than what was probably a rude clicking.

"Not so cute now, is he?" Randa asked smugly.

Rina swatted her. "Oh, shut up."

* * *

><p><em>One last note- well, three, to be specific: <em>None of these missions are meant to be an attack on the authors. It's very possible to be a good person and still write bad fanfiction.<em>_

_F__or those of you who found me through my old profile, I will be sporking my own_ _fic__ eventually.__ I have four missions finished so far and am working on a fifth, though it might not be done for a while. If things go as planned, _Ebony _will be number seven._

_If you enjoyed this and want to know more about the PPC, Google us! We have a Wiki and a Posting Board; we promise not to bite._


	2. Lord Potter and the Barking Owl

_The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. Harry Potter is the property of the amazing J.K. Rowling, while Harry Potter and the Tails of Change belongs to Karou WindStalker and I want to make it very clear that it is theirs. Agent Rina, however, is mine, and Agent Randa is the property of a friend who has allowed me to use her as a partner. A warning for younger readers; there is a bit of language in this, both from the badfic and my own mission. Viower excretion advisd._

* * *

><p>Rina finished typing up the mission report for 'The Marauderette' and submitted it, then glanced over her shoulder at Randa.<p>

"So, what did you think of our first mission?" Rina asked, blinking hard in a futile effort to dispel her headache.

"Aside from you going batcrap crazy, it was pretty fun," Randa said. She glanced warily at the mini-Aragog in the corner, who was busy spinning a web near the ceiling. "I still don't see why you had to bring home a mini, though."

"Hobbitses will learn to like us soon enough, preciousss," Mcgonagoll hissed, his eight eyes blinking simultaneously. Randa shuddered and edged her chair away from the spider.

"Hey, could you toss me some Bleeprin?" Rina asked, pointing to the bottle on the table next to Randa's chair.

[BEEEEEP!]

"Never mind," Rina muttered, punching the button and leaning forward to read the report. "Oh, lovely. **It's the end of the third year and Harry's home for the holidays. The Dursley's are on holiday and Harry is studying over the summer, doing research on Animagus transformations. In this story, Tonks is two years younger than Canon. Rated M for Caution. This story is AU, and will include F/F relations, so be warned. **Apparently we have the possibility of dealing with a Stu-wraith...Why do people feel the need to write this stuff?"

"But didn't you once write a fifth Marauder self-insert fic where Remus-?" Randa's sentence was cut short when she was forced to dodge the pillow thrown her way.

"I thought I told you to never mention that. _Ever,_" Rina growled.

Randa just sniggered.

Rina chose to ignore her friend in favor of grabbing a copy of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_. "Don't bother with disguises," she said over her shoulder. "The fic's set during the summer and there aren't any non-canons, so we can just go like this." She gestured down at her jeans and t-shirt.

"Oh, thank God," Randa said. "The robes were such a pain!" She caught Rina's look and grimaced. "Yeah, yeah, I know I'll need to get used to it." Randa hit a few buttons on the console, opening a portal to what looked like Privet Drive on an early morning. She moved to step through.

"Wait."

Randa paused, one foot in the portal. "Yeah?"

Rina shrugged. "Well, Harry's still a canon character, isn't he? We can just pop into his bedroom and sit in the corner while he does… whatever." At Randa's dubious look, she added, "It's not like he's going to see us. Remember when I killed that author's note? None of the Marauders even blinked."

"Okay, fair enough." Randa fiddled with the controls, resetting the portal for Harry's bedroom. "Better?"

"Much. _Allons-y!_" Rina jumped past Randa through the portal, hitting the floor with a barely-audible _thud_. Randa rolled her eyes and followed, though her landing wasn't quite as graceful or quiet.

"_Allons-y?_" Randa whispered as she used the Remote Activator to close the portal behind them.

"It's French. For 'let's go'," Rina whispered, mimicking a British accent.

Randa swatted her. "I know what it means," she hissed. "I just thought you'd want to save that for if- sorry, when- we get sent to a _Doctor Who_ badfic."

Rina bit back a reply when the fic proper began.

**Harry struggled awake, fighting with the thin sheets that covered his bed.**

"Well, at least the opening sentence is okay," Randa said. "Now let's see how long it keeps up."

**Finally freeing himself, he checked the time, the old, much abused digital clock showed the time to be eight am.**

"Spoke too soon," Randa mumbled, dropping her head to her arms.

"I blame you," Rina muttered. Her eyes glazed over as she read the Words. "Ohhhh… no… Randa, have you seen the author's note?"

Randa squinted at the Words. "Oh jeez."

**This is a work of fiction, and I have altered reality from how JKR wrote things. First off, Nymphadora Tonks is a 6th year when Harry is in his first. Second, this story starts off in the summer between Harry's third and fourth years, so he has met Sirius, and knows he's innocent. Third, I'm having Harry be just a wee bit more intelligent,**

Rina made a small noise of disgust.

**and have something more of a backbone by this time in his life. This story may include relations between two consenting females, so if that doesn't float your boat, you have been warned here, and can take appropriate action.**

"Oh, I can't _wait_ to see a more intelligent Harry," Rina muttered, running a thumb over the cover of _Goblet of Fire._ "If the report was right and we'll have a Stu-wraith on our hands, I call dibs on hitting Harry with this."

"Hey!" Randa protested. "You got to kill Ordellya! Let me have a turn!"

Rina made a slashing motion with her hands, making Randa fall silent. "We can take turns, okay?" Rina whispered. "But shh- you'll draw attention if you're any louder."

"Sorry."

While the girls had been arguing, Harry had started reading a book on Animagi. Apparently, Professor McGonagall had given him an essay for extra credit on the subject, and also loaned Harry a few books on becoming an Animagus.

"Oh, hello there, Plot Convenience," Rina said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

**Harry was quite intrigued by the possibility that he might be an Animagus, and what his form could be. His father, godfather, and the person who ultimately betrayed the trust he was shown, all had become Animagi in their fifth year, all to help their mutual friend with his 'furry little problem'.**

"But you have to _become_ an Animagus, don't you?" Randa groaned and sank back against the wall. "I hate this already."

They watched as Harry browsed through his potions books and began gathering the ingredients for a should-be complicated potion that just happened to use student-regulation ingredients.

**He checked through his potions supplies and took out each ingredient he had, finding that, for once, he was completely prepared to do this thing. Taking his time to prepare the ingredients properly, Harry set about carefully brewing the potion, adding the ingredients at the right time and stirring in the correct fashion. "Add the essence of violets and stir three times clockwise for every four times counterclockwise for three minutes." read the second to last step in the instructions. Harry made sure to stir correctly, watching the cauldron's contents turn an odd sickly green, which is what the textbook said it would look like.**

"Wait," Randa interrupted, "Why is Harry brewing the potion in his bedroom?"

"Here's a better question: Why did the Dursleys let Harry have a stove in his bedroom?" Rina rolled her eyes. "Hooray for terrible description."

Suddenly Harry was lying flat on his back on his bed, going into a trance. Rina sighed and let her eyes slide out of focus so she could see what Harry was seeing.

"So what is it?"

"He's in a forest that is a **dark, black, ancient forest, older and more rooted in mysticism than the Forbidden Forest**," Rina quoted. "He…"

She trailed off, her eyebrows knitting together. "Randa?"

"What?"

"Isn't a kitsune a Japanese fox spirit or someth- OW!"

Randa's nails suddenly dug into Rina's knee. "Yeah." Her teeth were bared in a silent snarl. "It's basically a Japanese trickster spirit that looks like a fox with multiple tails. The more tails they have, the more powerful they are."

"But…" Rina held her head in her hands. "All the Animagi we've seen in canon aren't magical creatures, and _they don't exist in the Potterverse!"_

Randa shushed her partner before she could start ranting, though it was a major effort on her part. "Goddamn weaboos; might as well be using honorifics and saying random Japanese words every five seconds," she muttered.

"I don't think this is a weaboo fic," Rina said slowly, "since the only Japanese reference I can see is that stupid fox spirit."

"Whatever you say, Rina-senpai." Randa grinned and ducked Rina's halfhearted swipe.

**{There was another rustle in the bushes as another being came out of the darkness. This one was more of a surprise than the first. What appeared before Harry appeared at first to be a wolf, but built more along the lines of a panther. Taking in the 'wolf' more carefully, Harry noticed more and more things which made him think the animal was a blending of feline and lupine.}**

"That is one hideous creature," Randa said. Rina had to agree; the panther/wolf combination didn't happen in nature for a reason. There was something about the creature in Harry's dream that made both girls' skin crawl.

**{Harry looked between the two beings, "Are you saying that I have two forms?"**

Rina and Randa looked at each other.

"What."

"Even."

**The Wolf/Cat nodded, then a sort of communication was broadcast by the kitsune in his lap. -Yes, little one. We are both your Animagus forms. A lot of Wizards don't brew the potion as exactly as you did and only discover their first form.-**

"Yes, because Harry is _known _for his 'mad potions skillz'." Rina buried her face in her hands.

The agents groaned when Harry said, **"I can't wait to tell Sirius about this."}**

**{Both animals grinned at Harry's enthusiasm**

Randa snorted. "What is this, Pixar? That's just freaky."

**then slowly began to 'pour' themselves into his body and fade from existence as he began to wake up from the potion.}**

Rina and Randa scrambled out of Harry's way as he got off the bed and made his way to his desk. He took out a piece of parchment and a quill and began to write, unaware of the agents leaning over his shoulders to read the letter.

**Dearest Padfoot,**

Rina glanced at her partner, sticking a finger in her mouth. "Bleagh."

**You wouldn't believe what I just discovered! Professor McGonagall assigned me an essay on Animagi and how to recognize them.**

Randa facepalmed. "You _can't _recognize Animagi! If you could, there wouldn't have been a plot for _Prisoner of Azkaban_!"

"Don't question the badfic logic, remember?" Rina said, putting a hand on Randa's shoulder. Her eyes widened. "Uh, hey, Randa? Don't move."

"Why?" Randa stifled a shriek when Rina carefully plucked a mini-Aragog off of Randa's shirt.

"Hey, little guy. What''s your name?"

"We's named animagus, preciousss," the mini hissed.

"We are _not_ keeping that one," Randa said, eyeing the mini like it was about to jump on her face. She fumbled for the remote activator, not willing to take her eyes off the mini. "Where do the minis go?"

"Mini-Aragogs go to the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy," Rina said. She held out a hand for the remote activator. After fiddling with the coordinates for a moment, she finally got a portal working. "You be careful, okay?" She placed the mini on the other side of the portal and killed the connection. She sighed. "Mcgonagoll is probably going to get lonely while we're gone, you know," she said pointedly.

"_No._"

Rina sighed, but decided it would be best to let the matter die. For now.

The rest of the letter wasn't too terrible (aside from the topic of double Animagus forms), so Randa decided to portal to a later time.

**Reading the descriptions of what could go wrong if the transformation was rushed, Harry silently vowed to take each step carefully and with due care. He then started concentrating on the first joint of the fingers on his right hand, envisioning them becoming the first joint of a fox' paw. He blinked when he seemed to get it after just a few tries.**

"Cough-Stu-cough!" Rina said, her lip curling.

**Emboldened by this success, Harry tried to change the next joints, picturing in his mind the shift from human to fox. Half an hour later, Harry was able to change his entire right hand to a fox's paw and back almost instantaneously.**

"Aren't you glad we skipped that part?" Randa asked.

"I never said I wasn't-"

They jumped when Harry suddenly spoke. **"I wonder what mischief I can manage while no one is aware of the fact I can become a fox. Perhaps I can even prank the Twins!"**

"That's gotta be a charge," Randa said, glancing sideways at Rina for confirmation. Rina nodded curtly, not taking her eyes off of Harry. Randa jotted the charge down on her notepad.

A sudden bout of swearing issued from the front yard.

**"Sounded sort of like that Trainee Auror, Tonks. I know she just graduated this past term and was under the guidance of Moody."**

"Okay, Harry thinking out loud all the time had better not be a thing in this fic," Rina muttered.

**"Oooh, just a bit vindictive, weren't you, godfather? Though, I can't say I blame you, as Senior was the bloke who tossed your arse in Azkaban without as much as a pretense to a trial."**

"Dammit."

"Wha- wait! Rina, look at the Words! Look at what led to that!" Randa groaned. "Two paragraphs after the first comment," she said when Rina seemed slow to react. While Rina read, Randa swatted Mad Eye and Bartemious Crouch Jr the mini-Aragogs off the windowsill and sent them after animagus.

**Moody, also known as 'Mad Eye' was now sequestered at Hogwarts after an unsuccessful attempt by a Death Eater to overcome the man and take his place at the school. Thankfully the Death Eater in question, one Bartemious Crouch Jr decided to attempt his attack when both Dumbledore and Flitwick were visiting Moody.**

"If Barty Crouch, Jr. was _that _stupid, there's no way _Goblet of Fire's_ plot would have been possible," Rina snarled.

Harry leaned out the window and called to Tonks, who proceeded to vocalize her own thoughts. Rina sighed and rubbed her temples, cursing everything from the badfic to her growing migraine.

Harry headed out to the garden to talk to Tonks; Rina and Randa leaned out the window to watch. There wasn't much to comment on other than Sirius being referred to as Tonks' uncle.

Rina slowly pulled Randa away from the window and shut it, then buried her face in Harry's mattress and screamed.

After a long moment, Randa hesitantly put a hand on her partner's shoulder. "What's wrong this time?"

_"_Cousin._ Cousin_," Rina growled, her fists clenching. "Second cousins, to be exact. _Not _uncle."

Randa held up her pad questioningly. "Charge?"

"Definitely."

There was a rustle of feathers behind them. Rina slowly turned and found herself face to face with-

"Fawkes?" she sputtered.

"Oh no. No, no no no no!" Randa reached for the phoenix, but Fawkes screeched and flapped his wings. "Okay, you can stay there." Randa looked at Rina. "How are we gonna fix this?"

Instead of replying, Rina grabbed Randa's arm and pulled her into a corner a moment before Harry burst in.

**"Hedwig! You made that trip a lot faster than I expected!"** Harry exclaimed. Hedwig turned her head to Fawkes, drawing Harry's attention to the visitor.

**"Fawkes? What are you doing here?" The magnificent bird gave a happy call and poked a bundle toward Harry. He picked it up and then looked at Hedwig, "You had Fawkes deliver my note?"**

Rina and Randa facepalmed simultaneously, though for different reasons.

"Fawkes is running errands for Sirius?" Randa said.

"Remus was left in charge of a potion? **The Marauders were a bit rushed when we did it ourselves, as we miscalculated the day of the Full Moon and Moony was the one watching the potion.**" Rina quoted Sirius' letter. She sighed and sank down to the floor. "At least he's not being lusted after by another Sue..." She thought about her words for a moment before quickly knocking on the wooden floorboards.

Randa scrambled out of another mini-Aragog's (this one was named Godrick) way and opened a portal to the HFA.

After an obnoxious, but mostly pointless, conversation via mirror with 'Uncle Siri' where Harry was called 'pup' _ad nauseam_, Harry proceeded to contact Lupin.

**"Heya pup, good to finally be able to talk without using notes."**

Rina gripped her head. "Make it STAHP," she wailed. Randa shushed her, but not before Harry looked around.

"Did you hear something, Moony?"

Lupin's reply was too muffled to make out. Rina and Randa stayed very still, praying Harry wasn't about to notice them.

He didn't seem to see them, since the fic continued as scheduled. Finally, Harry fell back asleep, even though only about two hours had passed since the start of the story.

Rina crept to Harry's bedside table and snatched the mirror. "Cool. Since these work differently from the canon mirrors, we can take 'em."

"We're still missing the ones Sirius and Lupin have," Randa reminded her.

"Not a problem. They don't use the mirrors again and without the badfic focused on them, they won't try to stop us from taking their stuff."

Randa opened her mouth.

"No, you can't take all of their socks."

"Aww, man!"

After a quick portal to snatch the remaining two mirrors, Randa took them forward to chapter three.

They appeared in the kitchen, where Harry was being told by Tonks that his aunt, uncle, and cousin had been killed in a terrorist attack.

"Why would the Dursleys be targets of a terrorist attack?" Randa asked. "If the author wanted to get rid of them that easily, shouldn't it have been Death Eaters? It would make a helluva lot more sense!"

For Harry's safety, he was to be moved to a 'secure house'.

**"I never fully unpacked my trunk, just in case I had to scamper or hide the stuff. All my homework's done too, gonna surprise Hermione when she reads my next letter." He then looked at Tonks, "Where're we headed, Tonks?"**

"Putting my curiosity to know that aside," Rina began.

"Since when does Harry get his homework done early?" Randa finished. She shook her head. "Harry Potter, welcome to Way-the-Hey-Out-of-Character Land."

Harry and Tonks took an unauthorized Portkey to the mystery location. Randa sighed and set the RA's coordinates to home in on the Stu.

**Nymphadora Tonks lives at 69 Wyndham Lane**.

"Heh heh, 69," Rina sniggered. Randa rolled her eyes, but quickly joined Rina in her fit of giggling.

Their laughter quickly stopped when Tonks said, **"Part of what my mum managed to keep, despite being disowned by her family for marrying a Muggle."**

"Charge it," Rina said unnecessarily. Randa was already scribbling on the notepad. When Harry kissed Tonks on the cheek, there was a sharp _snap_ as the pencil broke in half in her clenched fist.

"Oi!" Rina protested. "I only have one more in my pocket!"

Randa shook out her hand and grinned apologetically. Rina sighed and handed Randa the other pencil.

"You're getting me backups when we get back to HQ," Rina said, shoving her hands in her pockets. "Anyway, we should probably stay out here for now. This is the part where the major OOC-ness seems to kick in, and I don't want Harry or Tonks to see us if they get posessed."

"Agreed." Randa squinted, trying to bring the Words into focus. "Oh, great. Now Tonks has a house-elf?"

**The elf giggled then said, "Mistress is telling Vilma that you is needed in the dining hall for dinner."**

"The poor elf deserves better," Randa said quietly. She glanced slyly at her partner.

"Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?" Rina asked.

"Eyup!" Randa grinned.

While Harry let Vilma lead him down to the dining room, Rina and Randa positioned themselves under the dining room's window so they could peer inside.

**Laughing as he enters the dining room, Harry smiles when he sees a small round table for two set up, Tonks already seated, he smiles at the pretty Auror Trainee before sitting down across from her and surveying what's on the table already.**

The sudden change from past to present tense hit the agents like a battering ram. They fell away from the window, clutching at their heads.

"Son of a werechihuahua," Rina groaned, "I don't care how long we do this crap, I'll never get used to tense shifts."

Randa was too busy retching to reply.

"Oh no," Rina said, glaring at the Words. "Oh, you did not- Randa! The Weasley twins got hit."

**The images running through his head less than innocent, remembering the one time that the Twins had pranked the young witch, causing her to have to streak to her House, which was halfway across the school from where the prefects showers were.**

"You write- bleagh- it down- urk- for me," Randa gasped.

**He had innocently stumbled across the scene, under his Invisibility Cloak, when he was wandering the halls past curfew.**

**He had taken pity on the young woman, seeing her state of agitation, and had left his school cloak where she could find it easily. He did, however, keep an eye on her on her way to the Hufflepuff common room, watching her back just in case someone tried to cause her trouble.**

Randa wiped her mouth and took the notepad back from Rina before risking a look back in the house. Harry and Tonks had already started eating. Despite her barely-finished yarfing, Randa's stomach rumbled at the sight of the food.

**As they ate and traded glances, both Harry and Tonks had similar thoughts running through their heads, mostly along the lines of: I wonder what they're thinking? And : I wonder if they're thinking about me.**

**When they had finished up their desserts, Harry got up and went around the table to help Tonks up, smiling at her. When their hands connected a bright golden glow surrounded both of them, a 'snap' of air heard as the magic took hold of them for a brief moment, laying traces of a powerful bond, based on magic, souls, and hearts.**

"I think I'm gonna puke again," Randa said dully.

"They're soul bonded," Rina said, her voice equally flat.

They ducked back below the window, staring at each other. They winced when Harry's voice reached their ears.

**"What the bloody blue blazes was that? Why do I feel the need to hold you close? Why do I feel your magic twining with mine?"**

Tonks responded, her voice equally dramatic. **"Something almost unheard of happened, Harry. When you touched me, a Magical Bond formed. I think I need to talk to Albus about this."**

**"Why?**" Harry asked. "**What do you think happened?"**

Rina gingerly peeked back into the dining room, resisting the urge to bang her head against the window. **The young Witch shook her head, "I don't want to speculate. But if I'm right, you'll come into your inheritance now, instead of at seventeen."**

"Oh, just wonderful," Rina said. She glanced ahead at the Words and grabbed the windowsill. "Tense shift incoming!"

**She gets up and strides over to the fireplace, all evidence of clumsiness gone, she then grabs a pinch of Floo Powder and, casting it into the flames, says, "Headmaster's Quarters."**

Rina sank back onto the grass, burying her face in her hands. "Okay, so basically Tonks goes to Dumbledore and finds out that she and Harry are now magically married. She says... oh, screw it. Just open a portal so we can see."

Randa mentally braced herself before setting the coordinates.

Dumbledore was in the middle of telling Tonks what had just transpired in the dining room.

**"Nymphadora, according to my records, you and young Harry are Married... What it says here is that this type of Bond hasn't occurred since the Founders."**

Randa only barely managed to keep from snapping the second pencil.

**Tonks' image goes pale, "I'm married to Harry? Not that I mind, but this is quite sudden." She then looks at Albus, "Anything else you can tell me, Albus?"**

Randa slowly handed the notepad to Rina before slowly and methodically starting to shred the patch of grass in front of her.

Rina almost immediately threw the pad on the ground when **[t]he old Wizard shook his head, resignedly, "Nothing, except that it appears as though there might be another Witch involved in the Bond, but her name hasn't appeared yet." He then looks at Tonks and says, "You and Harry are going to have to come to terms with what this Bond means." He stroked his beard, "You will probably be able to use some, if not all, of his Gifts, and visa versa. And your Magic will be boosted, if you can complete the Bond..."**

Rina and Randa exchanged horrified looks.

"This is even worse than we thought," Rina said quietly. "Let's go ahead and get Vilma. There's nothing but cheesy, gross-"

"Sappy-"

"Sappy dialogue between Harry and Tonks anyway. Portal?"

"On it."

The portal dropped the girls in the middle of the drawing room, where Vilma was busily dusting the shelves. At their sudden entrance, she squeaked and hid behind the room's piano.

"Vilma, wait, we're not here to hurt you," Rina said before the elf could alert Harry and Tonks. "Please just give us a minute to talk."

The elf peeked nervously around the piano at the intruders. "You is not here to be thieving?"

"Nope." Randa slowly inched toward Vilma, her hands out. "We're here to help you. Please, just give me five minutes to explain..."

"Vilma is listening," Vilma said uncertainly.

"When did you start working for Tonks' family?" Rina asked. Vilma's tiny brow furrowed.

"Vilma is not understanding the question."

"Just think," Rina urged her. "How did Andromeda Black manage to keep this house even after she got disowned?"

"Oh, logic," Randa murmured, nodding to herself. "Good idea, Rina."

Vilma's frown deepened. "Vilma is not quite sure..."

Rina sighed in relief. This was going to work- maybe. "Vilma, I'm going to tell you a lot of stuff that's probably gonna seem crazy, but please hear me out..."

She proceeded to quickly outline the basics of the PPC and why she and Randa were intruding in Vilma's home. The whole time, Vilma listened attentively, her large ears quivering the longer Rina talked.

"So Mistress and Harry Potter aren't actually Mistress and Harry Potter?" Vilma finally said.

Randa bit her lip. "Not only that, but... Vilma, once we get them back to themselves, I don't think you'll stay around. That's why we want you to come with us."

Vilma looked at the rug, scuffing her bony toes against the fine weave. "Vilma is always thinking Vilma has lived here, but if what Miss says is true, Vilma has never lived before a few hours ago? It be lots to think about."

Rina smiled. "Try falling out of bed into a secret organization where pretty much every story you've heard about is actually true." She held out a hand. "What do you say, Vilma?"

Slowly, the elf took Rina's hand. "Vilma is coming with Miss, if Miss doesn't mind."

Rina and Randa both hugged Vilma. "Don't worry, Vilma. You've got a lot to look forward to." Rina paused. "There is, uh, one other thing..." She grimaced. "You're probably going to want to change your name. You're not a part of this badfic now, you know."

Vilma was silent for a long moment. Finally, she said, "Vilma is liking the name Mindy, Miss..."

"Mindy it is, then. But don't call me Miss. We're all equals at the PPC. Well, aside from the Flowers." Rina smiled at Mindy. "You ready to help us restore balance to your home world?"

"Vil... Mindy is ready." Mindy nodded enthusiastically, her ears flapping about her head. "If Mindy might ask-"

"Wait." Rina held up a hand, her eyes going unfocused again as she read the Words. She groaned. "Harry just got a letter from Gringotts," she said. "Also, apparently familiars are a thing in this fic. Charge."

_**Dear Lord Potter**_

_**We at Gringotts wish to congratulate you on your successful Bonding and Marriage. You may now access your Family Vault, and the monies stored in your Trust Vault have already been transferred to said Vault. We require your presence shortly to hear the reading of your parent's will, which we found in the Vault.**_

Randa's pencil was practically flying across the paper as she scribbled down the charges. Mindy looked aghast.

"Harry Potter is not hearing of his parents' will until just now?" she asked.

"Looks like it," Rina said. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Merlin, I hate this fic."

"It could be worse," Randa reminded her, looking up from the charge list. "We could be dealing with another Ordellya."

"...true."

_**We also wish to speak to you about your True Inheritance and will be providing a Heritage Scroll to determine if you truly are the Heir to the Vaults which recently activated.**_

_**Yours in Fellowship,**_

_**Ragnok, Chief Goblin at Gringotts, London**_

"If Harry inherits Hogwarts and turns out to be pureblooded, I'm going to strangle someone," Rina said darkly. Randa and Mindy edged away from her slowly. This didn't escape Rina's notice. "What?" she said. "It happens more than you'd think. Besides, if I'm gonna strangle anyone, it'd be Replacement Harry."

**Tonks looked at the letter, her eyebrows raising to meet her hairline, "Harry … It looks as if you might have more titles than you know about.**"

Rina's face was slowly turning an alarming shade of red. "I swear, this had better not-" she was cut off by a sudden bout of spluttering when she came across a particular gem of a line:

"**Being a horny teen, I would very much like to see you naked, as yourself, and learn how to be the very best partner I can be for you**," Harry was saying to Tonks.

Randa stared at the Words, dumbstruck. "No way. There is no way Harry Potter would _ever_ say that. _Ever._"

Almost at the same time, the smell of charred denim and melted plastic reached their noses. Rina reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a smoking, twisted lump of plastic. "CAD's broken again." She sighed and shoved it back in her pocket. "Let's go downstairs. I want to see what's going on; the Words are making my headache worse," she said. "But stay out of Harry and Tonks' sight. If we're dealing with replacements, there's no way they won't notice us standing in the corner of the room. Mindy, could you-?"

The elf grabbed Rina's and Randa's wrists and, with a _crack!_, transported them to the room adjacent to Harry and Tonks. The three peered around the corner, though the agents quickly reeled back from the sudden tense change. When they managed to recover, both immediately wished the tenses would continue switching back and forth. It would have been preferable to what they witnessed.

**[Tonks] then closes her eyes, briefly, her features slowly blurring until they shift back to her natural self; her hair lengthening until it reaches her ass, the color of her hair shifting to a natural strawberry blonde, her facial features gaining an edge of the beauty that is present in her aunt, her shirt tightening significantly as her bosom swells, her eyes shifting in color until they're a soft violet in color, and finally her figure becomes more hourglass in shape, the work out that she undergoes during her training definitely adding beauty to her already attractive figure.**

**Opening her eyes, she gazes at Harry, then smiles as she notices his blush, "This is the natural me, Harry."**

"Do you want to tell us all that is wrong with this picture?" Randa asked.

Rina simply shook her head, her mouth slightly agape. "Bwzuh?"

"Is Miss feeling okay?" Mindy waved a tiny hand in front of Rina's face.

"Don't worry about it," Randa said. pushing Mindy's hand away. "She gets like this a lot."

"Nngh," Rina grunted, closing her eyes and lying down. She waved vaguely in the direction of the next room. Randa took this to mean 'keep an eye on the characters' and peered around the corner again, only to immediately duck back.

"They're snogging," she reported, looking queasy.

"I don't see much else to comment on for the rest of the chapter, anyway," Rina said faintly, still lying flat on her back. "Next chapter, please."

"Gladly." Randa opened another portal and helped a reluctant Rina stand up. Mindy eyed the shimmering circle like it would bite her, but followed the agents through.

The portal took them to Harry's closet; since Harry was acting more and more like he'd been replaced, Rina and Randa couldn't risk being spotted. Mindy snapped her fingers, causing the door to silently open about an inch.

Harry was busily writing letters to the Weasleys, Hermione, Luna Lovegood (for some inexplicable reason), and Professor McGonagall, the last requesting a change from Divination to Ancient Runes.

"Yeah, because changing into Ancient Runes after missing an entire year is a _brilliant_ idea," Rina said. "Mini incoming."

Slitheryn fell through a portal to the HFA the instant he spawned. Randa shuddered.

"Seriously, can we do a continuum where the minis _aren't _giant tarantulas?" she asked.

"They're actually mini acromantulas," Rina began, but after catching Randa's look, she fell silent.

**Once each letter is sealed, a hunch having him place Luna's in with the Weasley's, he looks up and notices Hedwig perched on the sconce between two lamps, watching as he wrote the letters. He shook his head, "Should have known you'd know there was mail to be delivered, girl."**

**Hedwig ruffled her feathers, then gave a pleased sounding bark, before descending to the table, and proffering her right leg for the letters to be attached to.**

"Hedwig… barks," Rina said faintly.

"Even Mindy is knowing owls is not supposed to make that sound," Mindy squeaked, shaking her head.

**Hedwig barked what sounded like laughter, then took off through the window that was spelled to allow post owls like her easy access to the house.**

"There is something wrong with Hedwig."

**Harry called out, "Vilma? Could you help me a moment?"**

Rina and Randa looked at each other, horrified.

"What are we gonna do?" Rina's eyes were wide. "I thought Mindy wasn't going to be in the story any more-

**With a soft 'pop', the House Elf appeared, "Master Harry Potter has need **of Min- **of Vilma? What can Vilma do for the Great Harry Potter, sir?**

**Shaking his head at the House Elf's antics, "First off, please just refer to me as 'Harry', if you can, if you need more formality, sir is okay. Second, could you tell me where my wife is?"**

Rina facepalmed. "Harry is barely fourteen and he's already calling Tonks his wife. There's so much wrongness right there I can't even…"

"At least the tense shifts aren't so bad now," Randa said, trying to cheer up her partner. "I mean, since they're happening every paragraph or so now, we can anticipate them better so they're not as jarring, right?

Rina just grunted.

**Vilma blinks, then curtseys, "Harry Potter sir is very humble, me thinks Harry Potter is deserving of being called 'Master'." She then closes her eyes for a moment, "Mistress be gathering clothes that be easy to alter to fit Master for his trip to Gringotts, Vilma be using elf magic to make clothes fit Harry Potter, sir."**

**Harry nods, "Thank you, Vilma. 'Dora is definitely wise to get things ready, as I don't have anything worthy of appearing in any situation where appearances are important."**

Her role in the scene completed, Mindy popped back beside the agents.

"Harry Potter is not quite like Dobby is saying him to be," she said quietly.

"You know, that's another thing I hate about this," Rina said, "apparently all house-elves know each other. Or know Dobby. Why?"

Randa shrugged. "Small world in fanfiction, you know?"

Rina grinned. "True. I mean, the authors only have a handful of characters to pick from." She frowned suddenly. "You know, I really hope we didn't almost screw up with anything else like we did with Mindy."

"What is you saying?"

"Well, I thought you'd fulfilled your role in the story, so we went ahead and talked to you. If there's something I missed when I scanned through the Words-"

"**Vilma? Could you bring me the mirror in my trunk, please?" He utters to thin air.**

Rina winced and handed Mindy Harry's mirror. While the elf hurried to bring Harry the mirror, Randa opened a portal to return the other two.

"Maybe next time, we should wait until near the end of a mission to nick anything," Randa said sheepishly.

The conversation between Harry and Sirius was rather sickening; Sirius' only response to the news that Harry and Tonks were 'Soul Bonded' was to blink and shake his head. **"Potter luck strikes again**," Sirius said to Harry. "**Your dad told me a tale of how according to legend, his great grandfather met his wife in a similar fashion, and that it seemed all Potters fell hard for their intended spouse."**

There were no words between the agents; looks of horror and disgust were all the dialogue they needed.

**Feeling a presence behind him, he turns and sees 'Dora studying him, giggling at the news she'd just heard, "So, Husband, it seems we're not the only ones with news." She then snuggled into the chair beside him, "Perhaps we should question Junior to see if he knows where the Rat might be?"**

"What? Junior?" Rina frowned, then facepalmed. "Oh. Barty Crouch, Jr. Don't you just love how specific the narrative is about that?"

**She then gets out of her way and says, "Expecto Patronum!" When her Patronus is revealed, it takes the form of a female centaur,**

"Jackrabbit, not centaur. Charge," Rina spat out. Randa looked at her.

"How d'you know what her Patronus used to be? It never said in canon…"

"Pottermore."

**somewhat of a counterpart to his stag, she then says to it, "Go to Amelia and ask her if anyone's had a chance to ask Junior any questions about fellow Death Eaters. I have a couple to add, if they haven't." The patronus nods, then gallops through the nearest wall.**

"Say what you want about Ordellya," Randa said, opening a portal for the silvery mini, "but at least she only had one giant spider in her story."

Lupin, at least, responded to the news of the Soul Bond with a startled 'What?', but the subject was glossed over so quickly, they might as well have been talking about the weather. After bidding Lupin farewell, Harry was greeted by Hedwig, who had somehow already managed to complete her deliveries.

"There is definitely something wrong with Hedwig," Rina said sullenly. "Flying faster than should be possible, barking like a dog… Huh, Dogwig wouldn't be a half-bad name…"

"Mindy can capture Harry Potter's owl if Miss would like," Mindy said, sounding almost hopeful.

"No, Mindy, that's okay-" Rina said.

"Wait," Randa interrupted, "if Harry's been replaced like we think, Dogwig could be considered a Cute Animal Friend, couldn't she?"

"So that's Harry, Tonks, and now _Hedwig_ we have to rescue?" Rina said, ticking them off on her fingers. "This oughta be fun."

Hedwig dropped a letter for Harry on a bed that suddenly appeared in the dining room. Mindy yelped and jumped back.

"Don't worry, Mindy," Randa said, glaring at the bed. "It's just the result of the author forgetting to change the setting."

**Lord Potter,**

**I was pleased by your prompt response to our letter and wish to set up a meeting to go over everything. If 9:00AM today is good, please respond by placing a drop of blood on the corner of this parchment.**

**You are also requested to bring your bonded mate along, as certain aspects of this bond have triggered discoveries which must be discussed privately.**

**I look forward to our meeting, Lord Potter.**

**May your gold never decrease, and may your enemies never succeed.**

**~Lord Ragnok**

"Uh…" Rina said slowly, "correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't Tonks and Harry eating dessert just last chapter before Tonks told Harry to write to his friends?"

"Yeah? So?" Randa said, shrugging.

"_So,_" Rina said, her eyebrows drawing together, "why is it now almost nine in the morning?"

The ground suddenly trembled and lurched sideways, throwing all three across the floor. The sky outside swirled in a mass of light and midnight blue as day and night tried to correct themselves.

"Make it stop!" Randa yelled, trying to stand only to be thrown against the far wall.

Rina grabbed hold of a doorway to keep from being tossed about. "_Now, with the sun newly risen and the mist lifting,_" she yelled, "_they could see the city of tents that stretched in every direction._" The pitching of the ground seemed to become less violent at her invoking of canon. "_They made their way slowly through the rows, staring eagerly around. It was only just dawning on Harry how many witches and wizards there must be in the world; he had never really thought much about those in other countries._"

The sky swirled and slowly settled on a bright morning and the floor stilled. Rina let go of the doorway and helped Randa and Mindy back to their feet. She risked a peek back in the dining room; the fic resumed itself as though nothing had happened, though Lord Potter glanced suspiciously out the window before he left to shower.

"What gave you the idea to use canon?" Randa asked, pushing her bangs out of her face. "That was brilliant!"

"It wasn't my idea- it's been done before," Rina said, her face going pink. "This was just the first morning transition that I could think of."

**~~Meanwhile, halfway across the country~~**

"Oh shi-"

Randa's curse was cut off when the story jerked the agents through space, dropping them in front of the Burrow. They landed in a heap, Randa's considerably greater mass trapping Rina on the ground.

"Ow! Ow, my head! Jesus!" Rina struggled to push Randa off her. "This is all your fault!"

"Sorry, but come on- we need to get to the Quidditch orchard!" Randa rolled off of Rina and helped her stand. They sprinted around the Burrow to the orchard where the Weasley children liked to practice their Quidditch over the summer.

"I mean," Rina said when she and Randa were safely hidden behind a tree, "it's your fault I have a headache. You knocked me out and I'm stuck with a headache that just keeps getting worse- where's Mindy?"

"I think that since she's still recognized as part of the fic, she wasn't affected by the transition," Randa said thoughtfully. "Hey, is that Luna?"

The Ravenclaw girl approached the orchard from the side opposite the agents, her eyes fixed on the flying Weasleys. Her eyes suddenly flickered to ground level and for a moment, Rina and Randa could have sworn the canon could see them. Luna simply shrugged and shook herself before refocusing her gaze on Ginny.

**Suddenly, Ginny heard a whistling sound, then quickly dove and caught Luna up in her arms, moving her several meters away as the practice Bludger smacked into the fence where Luna had been leaning.**

**Luna blinked at Ginny, then kissed the red head full on her lips, then shrieked, "That was too close! The Xaqtly Fairies must have been nesting close for that to happen!"**

"Well, at least we know the lesbian pairing for the story," Rina said, sighing. "At least this one's semi-plausible. You know, if it weren't for the fact that both Ginny and Luna married guys."

"Hey, look! A flying dog!" Randa pointed to the sky at Dogwig, who had a large bundle of letters clutched in her talons.

"And we have another bad transition for the record," Rina said. She sighed again. "'Meanwhile'? More like 'earlier', but then again, if Dogwig can fly 'halfway across the country' in a few minutes, why am I complaining?"

"Beats me." Randa held up the RA. "Want to portal back after the next transition so we don't get dragged halfway across the country again? It doesn't look like much happens for the rest of the scene."

"Let's swing by Number 69-" Rina paused to snigger- "and get Mindy first."

After a quick explanation for the panicked house-elf, the three portaled to the end of chapter four.

**As Harry and 'Dora arrive at Gringotts, they're greeted by a familiar Goblin, "Lord Potter, Lady Potter, glad you could make it."**

"Oh, gag me with a spork," Rina muttered, leaning against the marble column that was acting as their hiding place.

Griphook led Lord and Lady Potter into the room and Rina fell silent.

After introducing Lord Potter to Ragnok in the 'Goblin tongue' ("Gobbledegook, it's called Gobbledegook," Rina hissed.), Griphook stepped aside so Lord Potter and Ragnok could begin discovering Lord Potter's legacy.

The short of it was mostly like Rina had suspected: Lord Potter, it turned out, was heir to the Potter, Peverell, Evans, and Black estates, and was heir to Gryffindor on his father's side, Slytherin due to a 'Conquest Legacy' from defeating Voldemort, and-

"_His mother was Ravenclaw's heir?_" Rina made a violent gesture. "_I can't believe this!_"

Randa barely looked up from sending Lilly to the HFA. "You should know better than to tempt fate by now," she said tiredly. "What I don't get is this bit…"

**Magical Inheritances**

**Potions: Prodigy (Blocked- APBWD)- Maternal Legacy**

**Transfiguration: Prodigy (Blocked- APBWD)- Paternal Legacy**

**Charms: Prodigy (Blocked- APBWD)- Maternal Legacy**

**DADA: Prodigy (Block partially broken- APBWD)- Paternal/Maternal Legacy**

**Ancient Runes: Achievable- Maternal Legacy**

**Arithmancy: Achievable- Maternal Legacy**

"Oh, that's just Bad Logic for you," Rina said dismissively. "If Harry's parents were good at something, then _he_ has to be good at it, too!"

"No, I mean the APBWD. What does that stand for?"

Rina scooped a mini-Aragog off the floor. "I think it's supposed to be Dumbledore's initials, only the author got the Wulfric Brian backwards. Am I right, little guy?"

"We is APBWD, preciousess," the mini hissed. "We is not Wulfric Brian-"

"Good enough." Rina lightly tossed the mini through the portal Randa opened. "It figures Dumbledore is a bad guy," she said. "If the Weasleys aren't being bashed like the piñata at my sixth birthday party, it's Dumbledore. Sometimes both, but at least that's not the case here."

"So, the whole point of this scene is to demonstrate that Lord Potter is a ~speshul snowflake~ and nothing else?" Randa clarified, somehow managing to put the fancy symbols in her voice.

"Yup. Oh, hey, you'll get a kick out of this. Apparently, Harry's been doing magic at only twenty-five percent of his full power."

Randa could only gape at her partner.

"Seventy-five if he was stressed."

Randa let her head fall against the pillar with a _thunk_. "Can't we just go ahead and kill him? We've got enough charges!"

"Not yet," Rina started, but Mindy grabbed her arm.

"Miss cannot be killing Harry Potter! Harry Potter is a great wizard and is not himself right now! That is what Miss said!"

"Shh, Mindy, it's okay, I promise," Rina said quickly, leaning down. "I know I said that Harry wasn't acting like he should, and I was right- but that's a full-out replacement, not possession. Once the fake Harry is out of the way, we can look for the real one. Tonks and Hedwig, too."

Mindy didn't look convinced, but she nodded and let go of Rina's arm.

"Anyway, I was saying- we don't want to go after Lord and Lady Potter until next chapter when they go to Ollivander's. Harry gives his wand to Ollivander to get it 'upgraded' and that's when we'll get them. I don't want to take on both Lord _and_ Lady Potter at the same time unless one of them's defenseless."

Randa squinted at the Words. "Do you want to see Lord Potter's magic growth spurt, or what?"

Rina sighed and rubbed her face. "Not really, but we probably should, shouldn't we?"

The portal only took them to the next room, but what happened in there might as well have been happening in another universe.

"**Lord Potter, if you wouldn't mind, could you leave as much clothing as you're comfortable taking off right by the doorway you came in? The less clothing you have on, the less time this will take."**

"That's _so_ what she said," Randa said, giggling. Rina smacked her upside the head.

"I did _not _need that mental image, thank you," Rina muttered.

**Harry nods, then lifting an eyebrow at his Bonded, he quickly divests himself of everything he has on, save a pair of Gryffindor red speedos, which allow just enough detail to make 'Dora think: Damn, I'm going to be a happy woman once we complete the Bond.**

The agents and Mindy wrinkled their noses, though for different reasons.

"Ew," was all Randa had to say.

"Ew indeed," agreed Rina.

"Why would Harry Potter's speedo's details make Mistress happy?" Mindy asked.

Rina and Randa exchanged looks. "Uh, I don't know," Rina said. "Hey, is the ritual starting?"

There were lots of flashy lights and a goblin healer chanting in what might have been a Gobbledegook version of mangled Latin, so it was probably safe to say that, yes, the ritual had started.

Lord Potter groaned and sat up. **Healing did a lot of good, hmm my wife?"**

'**Dora nods, then blinks, "Harry, I loved you before, but now you're more of a hunk than I truly could have imagined."**

"God, anyone want some wine with all of this cheese?"

**Harry blushes, then stands up, blinking as he realizes the reasoning for 'Dora's words. Whereas before he would have had trouble topping five foot, he is now a comfortable five foot two inches tall, and while still thin, his body shows a lot more definition than before, being muscled rather than malnourished, he can now look 'Dora right in the eyes, unlike before where she was the taller of the two**.

"Let's get out of here. I think I'm gonna puke again," Randa said, getting the RA ready. "Next chapter?"

"Yes. And then we can go home and take a nap." Rina yawned and scrubbed at the dirt on her face from the Burrow. "And maybe a shower."

They portaled to the interior of Madam Malkin's and hid behind a rack of long robes. There wasn't much interesting to comment on until Katie Bell- as in, _the _Katie Bell, Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team- showed up.

'**Dora blushes at how Harry introduced her, "Could we get my stud muffin of a husband**

The rest of her sentence was lost on Rina, who buried her face in the robes to muffle her snorts of laughter.

"It's not that funny," Randa whispered.

"_Stud muffin!_" Rina gasped, dissolving into another fit of giggles.

"Miss is rather odd," Mindy said, patting Rina's elbow.

"Yeah, she is. Everyone in the PPC is." Randa shifted some robes aside to get a look at Lord and Lady Potter. "Oh, yuck. Apparently, all three Chasers wanted to bang Lord Potter at one point or another and the locker room showers are _completely_ communal." She pulled out the RA. "Screw this, we're getting out of here before Katie starts feeling him up."

Rina was too busy laughing to protest when Randa dragged her through the portal to the back room of Ollivander's shop.

They were just in time to see Mr. Ollivander leave the room to greet Lord and Lady Potter.

**Mr. Ollivander shakes his head then turns his attention to Harry, "It is good news, just very odd. I need to add three cores to your wand, and a jewel to the outside." He places Harry's wand on a cushion, before looking at Harry, "Fortunately for you, young man, I have all three ingredients at hand, or I'd have to keep your wand until I found them."**

**The younger Wizard nods, "And what are these three cores, sir?"**

Rina made a noise like a dying cat.

"What's wrong?" Randa asked, but Rina held up a hand for silence.

**The Wand maker smiles, "The tail hair from a White Kitsune, a crushed claw of an Arctic Nundu, and a hair from your bonded wife's head. The jewel is an Emerald, which should fit right above where you hold your wand."**

"The Nundu," Rina said, breathing heavily through her nose, "Is a Category Five beast in the _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_. '_This East African beast is arguably the most dangerous _in the world_. A gigantic leopard that moves silently despite its size and whose breath causes disease virulent enough to eliminate entire villages, it has never been subdued by fewer than _a hundred skilled wizards _working together._' Does _that_ sound like something Ollivander would just happen to have a claw of sitting around to go into a wand, regardless of the fact that there isn't an Arctic subspecies? Besides, the three main ingredients for wand cores are dragon heartstring, phoenix feather, and unicorn tail hair. The only ones we know of that are different in modern times are Fleur's veela-hair core and the Elder Wand's thestral hair core."

"Ollivander's coming," Randa warned, getting her yo-yo ready. Rina pulled her crowbar from her belt.

"Wait for it," Rina breathed, staying very still as Ollivander brought Lord Potter's wand into the back room. They watched as the wandmaker began modifying the wand; barely a few moments passed until he held it up, a tacky Emerald (because a lower-case gemstone wasn't good enough for Lord Potter) glued to the handle.

"Mindy? Restrain him, please," Randa said. The little elf snapped her fingers and Ollivander went completely still, the wand slipping from his hand. Rina stooped and caught it before it hit the floor.

"Sweet, a trophy!"

"That'll look great on our wall," Randa said, twisting the yo-yo cord between her fingers. "Ready?"

"Ready."

Rina charged through the door, dodged what looked like a stunning spell, and tackled Lady Potter to the ground, knocking her wand out of her hand before she could fire off another curse. Lord Potter rushed at the agent, only to present the back of his head as a target for Randa's yo-yo. With Lord Potter unconscious, she hurried to tie him up while Rina dealt with Lady Potter. One swing of her crowbar and suddenly, both Sue and Stu were out cold.

"Well," Rina said, panting, "That wasn't too-"

_CRACK!_

Both agents jumped as Mindy appeared in the middle of the room, holding an unconscious Dogwig in her arms.

"Misses were saying you is needing her?" Mindy said, holding up the limp bird.

"Thanks, Mindy, but what about Ollivander?" Randa asked, taking the owl.

"He is not going anywhere soon," Mindy promised. "How is we getting back the real Mistress and Harry Potter?"

"They've probably been dumped in plotholes around the story," Rina said, kicking Lord Potter in the shin. "Let's get rid of these guys and find them. Randa? Since I took care of Ordellya, how about you decide this time?"

Randa grinned. "Well, you know how much wealth Lord Potter seems to have acquired?" She opened a portal to what looked like a bottomless pit that was spanned by railroad tracks… or…

"Gringotts," Randa said proudly. "He can say good-bye to all his wealth as he falls to his death."

"I like it." Rina dragged Lord and Lady Potter through the portal and dumped them on the edge of the pit. She slapped them both across the face several times until they woke up.

"Lord and Lady Potter," she began, glancing through the notepad Randa had been writing on, "You have both been charged with impersonating canon characters, namely Harry Potter and Nymphadora Tonks; being Soul-Bonded or whatever the crap stupid bond you have, and being heirs to estates that neither of you should be heirs to."

"You're also charged with multiple accounts of an ungodly number of tense shifts and space/time distortions and making me puke all over your poor rhododendron bush," Randa continued. "Also capitalisation of random words, _not_ capitalising words that ought to be capitalised, and spawning an army of mini-Aragogs and scaring me half to death."

"Also for containing enough improper dialogue formats and pluralpostrophes to make even _My Immortal _look halfway decent." Rina rubbed her face. "Actually, never mind. I don't think anything could make _My Immortal_ look halfway decent."

"Do not worry, my Beloved," Lord Potter said, struggling against Randa's yo-yo cord. "I have fought more nefarious Villain's than these teenagers before."

"Finally," Rina said, raising her voice, "Not only did you have two Animagus forms and were planning on making your friends into the next generation of the Marauders, have three two-way mirrors- we really need to get those, actually- you also created the Arctic Nundu and dragged kitsune into the Potterverse. Oh, and for the record, Lady Potter, Tonks' natural hair color is a mousy brown and her Patronus used to be a jackrabbit before she fell in love with Lupin. _Who she is supposed to be with._ And why the fuck are your eyes violet? Don't you people realize that's not a natural eye color?"

"But it _is_ my Natural eye color!"

"Whatever." Randa untied the yo-yo and kicked Lord Potter over the edge of the pit. "Rest in pieces!" she called gleefully as Lady Potter was sent tumbling after her husband.

Rina looked at Dogwig. "Randa, I don't want to get rid of her."

Randa gaped at Rina. "But she's a Cute Animal Friend!"

"So? I bet I can train her. Besides," Rina added sarcastically, "maybe she'll eat Mcgonagoll." She held out her hand. "Yo-yo, please?"

Randa handed it over and watched as Rina carefully tied Dogwig's wings down. "We'll have to watch out for the talons- 500psi of razor-sharp flesh-tearing instruments aren't something you want to get close to."

"Fine, but only as long as you _swear _this is the last pet you'll bring back to the RC!"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," Rina said, doing the motions. "Now let's go rescue the canons."

Harry, Tonks, and Hedwig, it turned out, were crammed into a plothole located in Number 69's attic. After wiping their memories and sending them back to their proper places in the story (and getting the three two-way mirrors), Randa opened the last portal of the day.

She almost accidentally killed the connection when Rina stepped through with Mindy right behind her. "God, I'm tired," she said, yawning hugely for emphasis.

Rina rolled her eyes. "Go ahead and get some sleep. I've gotta take Mindy to FicPsych and get some stuff for Dogwig, anyway." She glanced up at Mcgonagoll's nest. "Hey, bud. You miss us?"

"Hobbitses thinks we missed them, preciousss?" Mcgonagoll made a hissing noise that almost could have passed for laughter. "Hobbitses have another think coming, then!"

"Right, no bouillabaisse for you, mister," Rina said, walking to the door. It slid open, _a la _Star Trek style, and she stepped out into the hall.

"Which way is you headed, Miss?" Mindy asked, gripping Rina's hand. Rina laughed.

"Any way you want, Mindy. We'll get there eventually."


	3. The Sue of Many Names

_The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. _Ranger's Apprentice_ belongs to John Flanagan. _Little Red Robin Hood _belongs to Alexandyne. Agent Rina belongs to me, and Agent Randa belongs to my friend, who has graciously agreed to let me use her as a partner. All other fandoms mentioned belong to their respective authors and/or companies. Special thanks to Darkotas for being my beta. Oh, and a quick warning- there is a bit of foul language from the agents._

_Additional note: This mission takes place in _Ranger's Apprentice, _not _Harry Potter_. The reason for this is because freelance agents, like Rina and Randa, don't specialize in one continuum. Rather, they take missions from multiple continuua; it really depends on whatever they're assigned. I'll still be mostly staying with _Harry Potter,_ but expect to see some other fandoms thrown in occasionally._

* * *

><p>[BEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!]<p>

The console's obnoxious alarm was cut short when Randa hurled a shoe at the flashing red button, somehow managing to hit her target.

"Did I hear the console go off?" Rina asked, sticking her head around the bathroom door. Her short hair was wet and dripping like she'd just gotten out of the shower and she had a towel wrapped under her arms.

"Mm-hmm," Randa said, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She swung her legs off the bed, grabbed her glasses, and crossed to the console to look at the report.

"What did we get this time?" Rina called from the bathroom. "More _Harry Potter_?"

"Surprisingly, no. It's _Ranger's Apprentice_." Randa peered at the summary. "**Never before has there been a girl in the Corps; but that's about to change. Will and his apprentice Sandy set out on an adventure to help the poor, only to discover that his apprentice is a girl. **Sounds... interesting."

"Ugh, you would not _believe_ the number of 'first female Ranger' stories there are," Rina said, coming out of the bathroom, now fully dressed. She grabbed her jacket and joined Randa by the console. "I am so sick of seeing Sues who are so much better apprentice Rangers than anyone before." She whirled and stalked over to the recurve bow she had mounted below Lord Potter's tacky wand. "Ever shot a bow before, Randa?"

"No. And I didn't think you had, either," Randa said, watching as Rina strung the bow and checked the arrows in the quiver. Rina gave her friend an incredulous look.

"Are you kidding?" she said. "Last year, I got third place in the Renaissance Faire's archery tournament! _Ranger's Apprentice_ is what got me started on archery in the first place!" She gave the bowstring an experimental tug. "Bit stronger than the one I have back at home, but I'll make do." She slung the bow over her shoulder and stuck a knife in her belt, then turned back to the console to set the portal. "Hurry up and get dressed; I don't want to leave this any longer than we have to."

Rina glanced at Mcgonagoll's nest to make sure the mini wasn't looking and turned away as Randa shucked her pajamas and threw on shorts and a shirt. Rina handed her her vest.

"Oh, almost forgot! Bleeprin!" Randa grabbed the bottle off the table. "It's about time we put it to use!" She tossed it to Rina, who tucked it safely in her jacket.

Rina set the disguise generators and opened a portal to Araluen. She stepped through, feeling the disguise generator change her clothes into linen pants and a tunic, with a leather jerkin to complete the outfit. Randa was dressed almost identically.

"Ready, then?" Rina asked, patting her jerkin's pockets to make sure she still had all the junk she regularly kept on her person.

"Ready enough," Randa said. "I gotta warn you, though, I haven't read these books in a few years."

Rina grinned. "Don't worry, I've got you covered."

**Will frowned. He walked through the trees without a sound from the old leaves under his hunter's boots. He couldn't understand why they had decided to put him in at Lafway fief. Surely they didn't think he wasn't capable enough of the more rigorous fiefs? Surely not. He allowed himself a little arrogance: he was Will Treaty, after all.**

Randa frowned. "Okay, even I know that's out of character."

The girls followed the Ranger as he stalked through the woods, looking for an animal to sneak up on **since their senses are so much keener than a person's, to make sure he still had his skills in check.**

"Wow, I feel stupider just reading that," Rina said.

**He crept up to the clearing, and noticed there was indeed an animal. A rabbit, as a matter of fact. He stepped forward, about 5 feet from the treeline, when he saw her. He had nearly stepped on the girl, sitting still as she was. She hadn't seen him yet, and he stood stock still.**

"How, how, _how_ did she not notice him?" Randa hissed. "Yeah, he's a Ranger, but it's really hard to miss being nearly _stepped_ on!"

Rina shushed her before the Sue could hear. Luckily, the Sue was too intent on drawing the rabbit in the clearing to notice.

"And she can draw like an expert. Of course." Randa sighed and sat heavily on the ground. "She's barely fifteen and can draw like that? How is that fair?"

"Hey, you're way better than any Sue," Rina said, sitting next to Randa. "You've got actual talent and work hard to get better. _She_ wouldn't have any skill if we dropped her in the Reality Room, I betcha."

Randa shrugged, but she looked a little happier.

**He must have made some sound for the girl looked up abruptly, eyes looking around the clearing. Her eyes slid right over Will without seeing him, but the rabbit saw her movement and started, bounding off. She cursed softly under her breath, throwing the paper to her left, right infront of Will.**

And the Sue still somehow managed to miss the man standing practically right on top of her.

"Did Will's training fly out the window or something?" Rina said, gripping her hair. "If he's accidentally making noise while he's trying to be stealthy... Ugh."

Randa took out her notepad and jotted it down before turning to a clean page and beginning to sketch.

Will finally turned and left to go back to his new cabin, totally unaware of the PPC agents trailing behind him.

Suddenly, the forest began to sag, liquified tree dripping on the ground and two disgusted agents.

"What the hell?" Randa asked, pulling off her glasses and trying to clean them.

**The trees melted away as he thought of Crowley retiring, and all the fiefs getting changed around as Halt took his place. When Halt went to take his place by Castle Araluen, Will had desperately hoped to go back to Redmont. He had been sadly disappointed.**

"Blame the narrative. Or Will, I don't care," Rina said. She spat out a mouthful of tree. "This is awful."

"It's like- like a combination of mashed bark and sap," Randa said, trying to squeeze it out of her hair and only getting her hands covered in pine-smelling goop.

"No, it's awful that we're only in the first chapter and Halt is going to take Crowley's job that involves a ton of paperwork," Rina said, flinching when another glob of tree landed on her head with a soft _plop_. "He'd _never_ do that." She tried to wipe some tree out of her eyes and grimaced. "Although this is also pretty disgusting."

They followed Will back to his cabin, when they suddenly felt the unpleasantly familiar lurch that was immediately followed by a poorly-executed scene change. The agents found themselves dumped in the Baron's office, dripping tree on the floor. Loud shouting drifted through the window, but Will and the Baron blocked it before either agent could see what was going on. It didn't matter since they could hear nonetheless, but it was annoying.

**"YOU DID IT AGAIN? DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?"**

**"Alisandra," the Baron sighed, walking away from the window.**

**"What did she do?" Will asked, turning curiously to the Baron.**

**"She probably snuck off into the woods again," the Baron replied. As if in response, the voice boomed below.**

**"THERE ARE WOLVES IN THOSE WOODS, AND BEARS. YOU ARE GOING TO GET KILLED ONE OF THESE DAYS!"**

"Oh, don't I wish," Rina muttered, still failing to wipe tree out of her eyes. "Yuck, this stuff just won't come off, will it?"

In reply, Randa held up her sticky hands.

There was some exposition from the Baron about how Alisandra wanted to be an artist's apprentice but wouldn't be allowed.

**"Why won't he take her?"** Will asked.

**The Baron shrugged. "He says she's much too small, her hands could hardly sculpt or work with clay, which is part of the craft. I think quite contrarily to him, but I'm no artist. And he is quite right about her hands; they hardly cover my palm. Neither of us have the heart to tell the girl yet."**

Rina saw Randa's face going red and held up a finger to her mouth- and quickly spit out the tree that got on her lips.

"Small hands are no reason not to let someone be an artist!" Randa whispered angrily, not noticing Rina trying to wipe off her mouth. "Sometimes small hands are better for sculpting! You can get better details more easily!" She tried to pull out her notepad, but only succeeded in getting tree all over everything. "Fuuuu-!"

**"It's quite depressing that she'll go to farm work," Gerald said. He shook his head lightly. Will looked up in mild surprise.**

**"She's a ward?" he asked, turning back from the window once more and sitting down in the chair, mug of coffee in his hands. The Baron nodded.**

**"Her father died fighting Morgarath," he said. "Her mother was taken by wolves in the same forest she runs off to each day."**

Rina leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, her mouth hanging open. "I can't believe it!" she said dazedly. "This is just- I can't-!"

Randa knelt next to her. "What's wrong?"

"The ward program was strictly in Redmont Fief because Baron Arald wanted to give orphans from the war with Morgarath a place to live," Rina said, rubbing at her face and streaking tree down her cheeks. "And this fic places Will's age at twenty-five, which means it's been twenty-five years since the war. Alisandra isn't in Redmont Fief, nor is she old enough to have been in the ward in the first place! In fact, the ward program would have ended around the time Will became Halt's apprentice!"

"...woah." Randa grimaced. "That's a pretty serious timeline problem."

Meanwhile, the Baron was showing off an oil painting Alisandra did when she was twelve. Never mind that oil paints were expensive and wouldn't normally be given to children. When Will and the Baron turned away from the painting, Randa stood and smeared tree all over it.

**"We're having a banquet tonight. I trust you'll be joining us?"**

**"I don't see why not," Will said.**

**"Alis asked if she could play at the banquet," the Baron mused, looking at the painting on the wall. Will looked up.**

**"She plays?"**

**"Guitar," the Baron said.**

Randa viciously kicked at the wall and toppled to the floor when another scene change whisked them to chapter three.

**Will sat at his seat beside the Baron, on the other side there was the battle master. The Battle Master was still flustered from earlier in the day, and kept throwing glares at Alis (AN: incase you didn't know, Alis is pronounced Alice...) as she played.**

Rina and Randa ducked as the Author's Note zoomed low over the banquet hall and disappeared out the doors.

"Under the table, quick!" Rina grabbed the back of Randa's jerkin and dragged her beneath the nearest table, leaving a trail of tree that she could only hope the Sue wouldn't notice. The lack of description meant that the table's occupants were little more than shadows, so they didn't have to worry about being noticed.

**She was quite good, although Will did notice she didn't play several chords played by master guitarists he'd seen; she played them differently and they didn't sound quite the same. He decided he liked her version better.**

"Cough-SUE-cough!"

"Hey, Rina, you're taking note of this, right?" Randa asked. "Because I can't write with tree-stuff all over my hands. And notebook. And everything else."

"Yeah, don't worry."

Suddenly, the Sue was asked to sing. The agents clapped their hands over their ears, but it wasn't enough to drown out the sickening, poorly-rhymed song.

**Instead of picking out the melody, she strummed the chords at the same time. It sounded almost as if two guitars were being played, and then she began to sing.**

"That is one funky guitar she has," Rina muttered to herself.

**The lullaby- that's what he decided it was- was enchanting. She was good at singing too, he decided.**

"Will!" Rina protested, covering her eyes. "Oh, yuck!" She tried in vain to wipe the tree off her face. "Can we just kill her and _leave?_"

"Believe me, I'd love that if we could," Randa said. "Then we wouldn't have to deal with the urple prose about her Speshul eyes."

**Her eyes were an odd; They were so dark blue they were nearly black, and then there was a ring of blue so light it was like ice around her pupil.**

"Oh my god!" Rina said suddenly.

"What?"

"Ever heard of Raketooth the Amazing Three-Armed Fox?" Rina asked. When Randa shook her head, Rina got an odd look on her face- partly amused and partly like she was remembering something horrible- and pointed to the Sue.

**The dog stood and bounded over to the Alis, and with a grin she patted her head without breaking the rhythm of her strumming.**

The poor wording of the sentence caused the Sue to suddenly grow a third arm.

"Now we've witnessed it firsthand!" Rina said delightedly. "It might not be Ing or As Disease, but it has the same effect." Randa gave her an odd look, but decided it would be best not to ask.

The story made another sudden jump, dragging the agents to the outside of Will's cabin and dumping them on the ground. The melted tree that covered them picked up all sorts of leaves, twigs, and dirt when they landed, coating them in a liberal layer of forest floor.

"This stuff isn't going to wash out, is it?" Randa muttered.

Rina helped her stand and they set off after Will, who found the Sue sitting in a nearby clearing, talking to-

"She has a _wolf?_" Rina whirled and punched a nearby tree. "_Ow_!" She pulled her hand to her chest, cradling her bruised and bloody knuckles. "Ow, shit, I think I broke something!"

Randa pulled Rina's hand away and inspected her knuckles. Though the skin had split and she was bleeding, none of her fingers looked dislocated and the bones were all in place.

"If anything happened, it's a fracture," Randa said. "Think you can hold on until we do the Duty?"

Rina grimaced, but nodded.

Randa shook her head, sighing. "What did you think was going to happen, punching a tree?"

**"Curious, but how did you come to have a pet wolf?"**

**"He's not my pet," she responded hotly. Will arched an eyebrow. "He was an orphaned pup," she said. Her eyes turned soft, and Will understood immediately, although she continued. "I couldn't just leave him on his own." Will nodded slowly.**

"It's not like wolves eating her mother would have any adverse psychological effects or anything," Rina said, clenching her good fist. Randa grabbed it before Rina could punch something else.

Thankfully, Will and the Sue ended their conversation and the scene faded into chapter four.

"Finally! A natural transition!" Randa said, throwing her arms in the air. "See? It's not that hard!"

The girls sat on the ground, reading the Words rather than dropping in the middle of the room with the Sue. Everything seemed fairly normal, until the narrative got around to describing **a tall thin girl with very pale blonde hair, and bright green eyes. Alis and her held hands. Sisters? Perhaps. They looked nothing alike.**

"Woah, woah, woah!" Randa said, sitting bolt upright. "Where did _she _come from?"

"Dunno, but she just kind of vanishes. I don't see any dialogue from her or anything," Rina said. "I don't think we need to worry about her, since the story got rid of her for us."

"I love it when that happens- oh, Sue just got called for the ward ceremony."

**Alis looked at the artist, very sadly. She opened her mouth, paused, and then said, "Battleschool."**

The agents fell over, holding their sides and howling.

"The narrative loves describing her as tiny! There's no way she'd be accepted!" Rina managed to say between bursts of laughter.

**The room broke into an uproar. The Baron looked completely stunned, and raised his hand for silence. The battlemaster stepped forwards.**

**"I don't think we can take her..."**

**"Why?" Alis demanded, rebellion in her tone. "Because I'm a girl?" Anger flashed through her face, then faded almost instantly to a controlled look of contempt.**

"Oh, lovely. She's a pseudo-feminist," Randa said, rolling her eyes.

The Sue was rejected from Battleschool along with all the other potential apprenticeships. Finally, she requested to be taken on as an artist, only to be rejected yet again.

**"Can any of you take her?" the Baron asked, looking around the room. Will wanted to speak out and take the girl... but the Ranger Corps didn't have girls. Will and the others she hadn't called out all shook their heads. Alis squared her shoulder, and held her chin high. "Then I suppose we'll be finding a farm in need."**

**Will saw the way her hands shook, but she didn't make a sound. She stepped back into line, and the Wards all turned and walked out. Last in line, she paused, and looked over her shoulder at Will. They made eye contact, until she broke it and closed the door behind her.**

"Well, that's the end of the chapter, then there's a two-week jump at the start of the next," Rina said.

Randa did her best to operate the RA with her sticky fingers, wincing when she gummed up the controls. "Any idea how we're going to clean this?" she asked, finally managing to open a portal.

"Soap and water, I guess," Rina said, stepping through to the next chapter. "And if that fails, burning is always an option..."

The agents appeared next to Will and Tug, who were following a **path of matted grass going behind the farmhouses, going for the tavern.**

**He paused as he heard yelling coming from the nearest one. A man's voice. He rode up to the window and peered inside out of curiosity. A large man, strengthened and tanned from years of hard labor, was yelling at a girl he recognised to be Alis.**

"Ten bucks says he's abusing the Sue," Rina said immediately.

Randa snorted. "You really think I'll take that?"

**"You incompetent wrench!" he screamed.**

"See? Though, to be fair, wrenches are kind of hard to abuse," Randa said, snickering at the sight of the large man screaming at a wrench. Once again, the Words had been interpreted literally, and Alisandra was now a three-armed monkey wrench.

**Will arched an eyebrow, amused that the farmer was trying to use 'big words'. "Have you never cooked before in your life? What is this you call BREAD? This is repulsive!" He shook a blackened loaf in her face. She watched him expressionless. "All you ever do is draw! Get it together girl!" he struck her across the face. She took it without a sound, her head snapping sharply to the right.**

"And then her neck broke and she died, the end," Rina said. "No? Well, darn. I guess we'll have to remedy that."

**She turned back, and Will saw blood welling from where the man's nails had struck her.**

"Uh, how did whatshisface hit her, exactly?" Randa asked. "Did he try to claw her, or...?"

**"I have it in mind, you should be kinder in your words," she said softly. Even though the words were soft, there was an unmistakable threat in her tone.**

"Ooh, I think this is where we're supposed to be impressed by her courage in the face of adversity or whatever," Randa said. "Bite me."

**"You don't tell me what to do you worthless child!" he struck her again, her head whipping to the left this time.**

"...okay, putting the uncanonical ward program aside, how did someone this abusive get custody or whatever of her?" Rina asked nobody in particular. "I mean, I figure the Baron would have made sure wards would go to good homes..."

Randa shrugged. "Remember what you said? 'Don't question the badfic logic'?"

Rina scowled and muttered something under her breath.

**She straightened, and took a light step back. She saw Will then, although she didn't let it show to the farmer. She turned around slowly so she was facing the window, and winked at Will. He noticed the blood was dripping down her left cheek now, and there were new cuts on her right.**

"WHY ISN'T WILL REACTMmmph!"

Randa was forced to clamp a hand over Rina's mouth before her yelling gave them away. As it was, Will turned around to look for the source of the noise, but with Rina safely silenced, the canon kept them shielded.

**She then spun around back to the farmer very quickly, and brought her foot up into his groin. The man gasped and tumbled to the side, and Will even winced.**

Randa sighed and let go of Rina to lay down on the ground. "I hate everything."

Rina, still fuming, flopped down beside her partner and covered her eyes. "Welcome to my world..."

**"I warned you," she said softly, then grabbed a crimson cloak from across the back of a chair and threw it around her.**

"Seriously, where'd a farmer or a ward get a cloak like that?" Rina asked quietly as she and Randa remained flat in the grass so the Sue wouldn't see them.

**She then walked out the door, looked at Will for a long, silent moment, then let out a long whistle.**

**A grey shape streaked from the woods, and Will recognised the wolf.**

"Not tame, my ass," Randa muttered. "That's just an excuse to let wolfie go wandering out of the story in case he's forgotten."

**"It's nice to see a familiar face, Ranger," she said quietly. "Keep well." Without another word, she walked to the woods, the wolf at her heels.**

Once the Sue was safely far away, Rina and Randa sat up.

"Ugh," Rina grunted, trying in vain to pick out the grass that was stuck in her hair and to her skin and clothes. "So she sees someone who could possibly help her, but instead of asking for help, she just leaves? Charging for blatant stupidity right there."

The girls got to their feet and followed the Sue, though Rina kept one eye on the Words as they left.

**The farmer unsettled him. The girl was so small, and was so cruel.**

Rina snorted at the unintentional accuracy of the narrative, but her amusement didn't last long. A sudden scene change dragged the agents to a creek where the Sue was **studying her reflection and washing away the blood from her face. **Never mind that running water wasn't the best place to see a reflection. Luckily, the transition was much smoother than those of past experiences and neither agent stumbled. They were quite pleased.

Ducking behind a tree, they peered around the broad trunk to observe the Sue.

**She knew a girl wouldn't go unchallenged on the road. She looked at her reflection in the creek with some distaste, as she realized she'd have to cut her nearly waste length black hair.**

Due to the story having previously stated that the Sue's hair was **hanging around her shoulders**, the narrative amended the typo by causing the Sue to stand in a neck-high pile of trash. Rina and Randa both doubled over, their sides and stomachs aching from barely-suppressed laughter.

**She also looked at her body; she'd have to find some way to deal with that. Curves simply would not work when passing for a boy.**

"Why is that going to give her any trouble?" Rina asked between bursts of muffled giggles. "I mean, I've lost track of how many people have mistaken me for a boy when I was wearing a baggy shirt. Just cut your hair and wear trousers and you'll be fine, geez!"

**She thought for a long moment. She had overheard the Baron talking with the battlemaster about the ranger meeting, and knew the Ranger- what was his name? She couldn't recall- would be leaving for it very soon. Perhaps she could tag along.**

"If she gets into the Gathering as a non-Ranger's apprentice, I'm going to-" Rina made a violent motion in the air.

**She would have to lighten it several shades, she decided. She knew there was some bleach up at the castle that she could use. She nodded. That's what she would do.**

"Uh, was bleaching even a thing in Araluen?" Randa asked, glancing at Rina. Rina shrugged.

"There aren't any instances I can think of... so I guess we can't charge for it." Rina looked disgruntled at the thought.

**She stood, and walked back to the farmhouse**, still unaware of the agents trailing after her. **She could hear Joshua yelling at his wife, and pointedly avoided any windows. She went to the small pathetic barn, where there were a couple of cows and a grey gelding. She threw the saddle blanket and saddle over the horse's back and tightened the girth, then swung up into the saddle. She spurred the horse out of the barn with the soft heels of her boots.**

Rina stuffed her tree-covered fist into her mouth to muffle more laughter. The narrative had forgotten to mention reins or a bridle. The gelding careened around the field for a moment before the story reasserted itself and the gelding took off in the proper direction.

Not wanting to chase after a galloping horse, Randa opened a portal to a place in the woods near where the Sue **unmounted, waiting for darkness to come.**

"Not dismounted?" Rina kicked at the dirt. "Ugh."

"What's the difference?" Randa asked, shrugging when Rina turned to look at her.

"Dismounted is a verb," Rina said, "whereas unmounted is an adjective. Like, 'The knight dismounted so he was unmounted'. I know it's a small thing, but I really hate it when people mix them up."

**An hour after sunset, she spurred remounted the horse and spurred him to the edge of the trees and out onto the planes behind the garrison, and then slid off an tethered him to the tree. She untied her red cloak and tucked it into the saddle, so the crimson wasn't so obvious that She slunk along through the grass to the front gate, watching as the guards paced back and forth and timing them mentally.**

"She spurred remounted the horse and spurred? And so the crimson wasn't so obvious that She...?" Rina shook her head. "That's just... That's just bad. So bad."

There wasn't any more to charge for for the night, so the girls decided to go ahead and make camp while the Sue went to the castle. They tried to wash the sticky tree off in the nearby stream, but all they did was make the glop slimy. Fed up, Randa simply flopped down in a patch of thick grass and was softly snoring within moments. Rina, however, spent several hours tossing and turning before drifting into an uneasy sleep.

Of course, it was barely an hour later when **Alis woke to an odd burning against her hip.**

The Sue let out a small shriek, waking Randa and one very, very cranky Rina.

**She frowned and looked down. The bleach! She must have rolled over it. It had broken and soaked through part of her tunic. In a panic, she tugged it out of her pocket; over half of it was gone.**

"Wuzzagoinon?"Rina mumbled, trying to pull her pillow over her head. Finding none, she sat up, rubbing at her eyes. The tree goop had hardened overnight, and the forest debris was stuck to every part of both girls' bodies. Rina's hair looked more like a bird's nest than anything.

**She struggled to get the tunic off of her and the burning away, rubbing at the bleach. Her eyes flitted around the woods, and she knew the nearest stream was a good half kilometre away.**

Never mind that she was practically in the stream the agents had used earlier. Plotholes could do strange things to the world.

**She cursed, and jumped onto her horse, half naked, and spurred him through the trees without even collecting her cloak.**

The cloak, which had been tucked under the saddle, vanished and reappeared on the ground. Despite its contact with the horse's body, there was no hair on the cloth.

"Dibs on the cloak," Rina said immediately. "I want something impervious like that!"

"Help yourself," Randa replied, making a face. "I don't want anything she's touched."

Rina gave her an odd look. "You use a yo-yo with a Sue hair cord."

"That's different. It's not her hair."

**She was grateful that she had neglected to unsaddle the horse the previous night.**

"She forgot to do _WHAT_?!" Rina roared, leaping to her feet.

"Never mind that, she should be suffering major burns right now," Randa said, grabbing at Rina's arm and pulling her over to inspect what was left of the bottle.

**The trees flew by and the burning in her side grew. She looked down and her side was pink and blotched, shimmering with bleach. Her hands were beginning to burn a little too.**

"Never mind, it's just slow-acting." Randa sighed and pulled out her RA, making a face when she discovered that the controls were completely gummed up with tree.

"Here." Rina extracted her own RA from her jerkin and tossed it to Randa. "Use mine until we get home."

Randa paused in entering coordinates. "Home?"

Rina looked a little unsettled. "Yeah, I guess that's what we'd call it now. Isn't it?"

"You mean we're never going home?" Randa asked, her voice rising.

"I never said that!" Rina said quickly. "I mean, it's like- like we're off on our own now, aren't we? I'm sure we'll be able to visit our parents..."

The two agents fell silent, suddenly hit by the horror of Rina's statement. They weren't going 'home' for a long time.

At last, Randa shook herself and finished entering the coordinates for the portal, getting the clean RA sticky in the process. It wouldn't do to dwell on thoughts like those while in the field.

Rina allowed herself to be dragged through the portal, where the sight of the Sue seemed to bring her to her senses.

**She trudged back up the bank, and kicked off her wet boots. She couldn't very well ride in them. She pulled her tunic back on over her head, sitting on a rock to dry. She looked at the bed of sharp rocks on the other side of the river, and realized she hadn't brought a knife to cut her hair. The rocks would make do.**

**She had the bleach with her now, and there was enough light to do her hair by.**

"If she makes her haircut perfect, I'm gonna puke."

"You do that."

**She picked up several stones, inspected them, and decided on the sharpest one. When she ran her finger along the edge, it split open the skin on her finger. Good thing she played guitar, she decided; or else she'd be bleeding and she couldn't very well bleach her hair with an open wound on her hand.**

"Um, what?" Rina asked, scrunching her nose. "I get she was trying to say that she only split the dead skin, but callouses still bleed if you cut them deeply enough. And that looks pretty deep."

"Don't question the badfic logic, remember?" Randa repeated, though she, too, was trying to determine how that worked.

**She went back to the other side of the river and pulled her boots off again, sitting at the bank where her image rippled in the water. She put the cracked bottle to her right, and ran her fingers through her hair to get out some tangles. She held her hair firm and pushed the sharp edge of the stone against it, trying to make it look neat.**

"Good luck with that." Rina grinned and ran a hand through her hair- or, rather, tried to. "I cut my hair with scissors and it never looks neat. Trying to cut your hair with a rock?" She snorted.

**The end result was nothing of the sort. She shrugged; apparently, she'd be nothing more than a farm hand who couldn't afford a barber. Worked for her. She cut it as short as she could within reason, leaving about two or three inches straggling down her neck.**

"I see her words, and I see her haircut. They don't match." Rina _harumphed_ and flopped back on the ground. She seemed to be doing that quite a bit lately.

**Looking at the water, she grumbled. She hadn't done a particularly good job. It was very uneven in color; some was blonde and some was brown. She decided she liked it anyway, though. Her hair was straighter short, and she had never liked the curls.**

"Modern dye job in Araluen?" Randa's eyes narrowed.

"Definitely a charge."

**She nodded distractedly at her reflection, then stood and walked back to her boots. They were damp, but they'd do for the short ride back to where she'd left her cloak. She grabbed hold of the saddle, slid her right foot in the right stirrup, then swung her left leg over the back of the horse and pulled herself upright. She rolled her shoulders out, and cursed the horse for being so tall. He was a good 16 hands high.**

Rina's eye twitched. "Mounting a horse from the wrong side and so easily to boot? Sixteen hands is _tall_. Not impossible to mount if you're flexible enough, but yeesh! This chick hasn't ridden before- at least, she shouldn't have- so I seriously doubt she'd be able to mount the horse without a stump or something to help her up."

They followed the Sue at a brisk jog back to where she'd left the cloak. **There were a few pink patches; very small and hardly notable; where the bleach had come in contact with her cloak. It wasn't to be expected a farm hand would have a perfect condition crimson cloak in anyway.**

"Then why did she have- GAH!" Rina clutched at her hair. "Ow! Ow, there was a twig!"

Randa plucked the offending twig out of her friend's hair and tossed it away.

**Tonight she would have to steal some supplies and something to pad her midsection with to neutralize her body. Perhaps it would make her look a tad bit bigger, too.**

Rina was too tired to comment again on the disguise 'necessity'. Instead, she decided now was just as good a time as any to go back to sleep, especially considering it was suddenly night again and the Sue was turning in once more.

"Charge for time distortion," Rina yawned, before curling up and closing her eyes.

Randa, who was fully rested from the night before, stayed up and drew particularly violent pictures of the Sue's upcoming demise until-

**Will looked around his cabin, two saddle bags in his hands already packed.**

The agents were whisked away and deposited outside of Will's cabin, and Rina was woken with another unpleasant jolt.

"I'm going to make sure her death is slow and painful," Rina snarled after Randa assured her they weren't being attacked.

**He paused, then grabbed his mandola from by the fire place, and walked out the door. Tug was waiting, already saddled, and Will tied on the saddle bags.**

"So, is he getting ready to leave for the Gathering?" Randa asked. "God, I _love_ when the narrative makes things clear!"

**Tug trotted past the tavern Will had eaten at three days before, and out past the farm houses with the largest plots to where the woods closed back in on either side around the dirt track. He hooked his bow over the pommel of his saddle for a moment, reaching back into one of the saddlebags to overview his map for his rip once more.**

"His _rip?_"

"Must be like his rap."

"We are Rangers, brah?"

"Sure, why not?" Rina grinned.

The point of view shifted back to Alis, and the agents were whisked back to their quarry once more. They both stumbled at the sudden change, but neither fell. Randa held out her hand for a fistbump, which Rina returned. It looked like the hand she'd used to punch the tree was feeling better.

**Alis waited impatiently at the first fork Will could possibly take, mounted on her horse. Soon, she heard the faintest hoof beats of his horse. She fidgeted with the dirt smeared on her face, hoping he wouldn't notice.**

"Hoping he wouldn't notice what?" Rina threw her hands in the air. "The dirt on her face, that she's the girl who was a ward, or that she's even there at all?"

"How about D- all of the above?" Randa grinned and shrugged. "Probably that she's even a girl at all; at least, that's my guess."

**She pulled her cloak lopsided, trying to get it to cover some of her face but not her hair; show him as many differences as possible. He would probably keep the first mental image he had of her, and she didn't want him to make the connection later.**

"That's actually not a bad idea," Rina said grudgingly. "Now please excuse me while I go wash my mouth out with soap."

**Will nodded to the boy wandering around the intersection on his horse. The boy looked at him and rode after him, but Will paid him little mind.**

**"Ranger!" a somewhat high voice called. Will looked back over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows in question. "Can I ride with you?" Will shrugged, then turned back around. The boy rode up even with him, his horse a good 4 hands taller than his, but still leaving them almost on level height.**

Rina's fingers flexed like she wanted to strangle something. "Does she even realize how much of a difference four hands of height is?" she spat. "I mean, even assuming Sue really is tiny, she's still probably not that much shorter than Will, since he's not that tall to begin with! Sixteen hands is big! Tug is just a pony!"

Randa shushed her, anxiously watching the Sue and Will to make sure they hadn't heard. The Sue glanced around and shrugged.

**"Where are you headed, boy?" Will asked, in a bored tone. In truth, he was glad to have someone to talk with, rides alone were exceedingly boring. The boy hesitated.**

Randa breathed a sigh of relief as the story resumed. Turning back to Rina, she said, "Never would've thought horse heights would be such a berserk button for you."

Rina looked sheepish. "To be honest... neither did I." She smiled wistfully. "The horse I used to ride, Gladiator, was sixteen-three hands. He was _massive_. He was a total sweetheart, though."

**"Anywhere. I'm setting out to make something of myself," he said. Will looked at the boy for a moment. He was small and his voice was high, but not so high as to be a girl's. He obviously hadn't hit his growth-spurt, Will decided.**

**"Respectable," Will commented.**

**"Where are you going, Ranger?" the boy asked, looking at him. Will frowned. The eyes were oddly familiar. The dark light pattern he had seen somewhere recently. Must be something common in this fief, he decided.**

Rina and Randa both facepalmed.

"Her eyes were so Speshul earlier that Will felt the need to spend an entire paragraph of description on them!" Randa moaned, dragging her hand down her face.

"You'd think that a trained Ranger like Will would remember something he spent so much time studying," Rina agreed bitterly.

**"A sorcerers convention," Will replied a little sarcastically. The boy's eyes widened, and Will threw back his head and laughed. "Ranger business."**

"Since when is she scared of Rangers?" Randa asked. "Or is she just pretending?"

Rina shrugged.

**"Oh," the boy said, nodding. "Can I ride with you to where you're going?" Will studied the boy for a long moment.**

**"What's your name?" he asked.**

**"They call me... Sandy," the boy said, hesitating just a half-beat. It was probably normal to hesitate before telling a Ranger your name, Will decided; after all, they were the 'black wizards' of the kingdom.**

"Probably- _probably_ normal?" Rina sputtered. "Son of a werechihuahua, he's been hanging around Rangers for ten years! It _is_ normal!"

**"You can ride with me, Sandy..." Will said, eyeing the boy. Sandy's face lit up. "... if you can keep up with me." On **his master's OOC **cue,** **Tug broke into a gallop, leaving the boy in the dust. Sandy coughed into his tunic, then spurred his grey horse to follow Will.**

**Will looked over his shoulder and noted that the kid could ride. Sandy's horse was catching up with him, and so he spurred Tug on faster.**

"Why can she ride so well?!" Rina yelled at the sky. It was a good thing the Sue and Will were already out of earshot.

**He ducked under a big heavy branch that went low across the path, and looked back over his shoulder and saw the boy getting to his knees on the saddle, then jump over the same branch and land straddled again on his horse on the other side of the branch.**

Rina kicked at a bush, scaring a bird out of hiding. "NOW SHE'S ABLE TO DO _THAT?_"

Randa just sighed and nodded. "Yes, Rina, she can do that. Sues can do anything in the name of showing off."

**Sandy's grey horse bowed his head, clearly out of shape. The boy's face was alight with a grin. He saw Will's manola case, and looked at him in question.**

**"You play?" Sandy asked.**

**"Yes," Will said.**

**"Lute or Mandola? I can't tell by the case," the boy said. Will regarded him with interest. Most people just said it was a lute and were done with it.**

Rina sighed. "Speshulness levels rising to dangerous extremes..."

**"Mandola," Will said. Sandy smiled. "So, tell me. Have you heard of Redmont?"**

**"No," the boy said, a quizzical expression on his face.**

**"It's two fiefs over," Will said. "It's where we'll be tomorrow evening, if you choose to ride with me." The boy grinned.**

**"Does this mean I have permission to ride with you?" Will nodded. "Then I've always wanted to see a new place." Will smiled faintly at the boy, trying to mimic Halt in his appearance, although he broke down and smiled anyway.**

"But... Halt... doesn't smile," Randa said faintly.

"Exactly," Rina said through gritted teeth.

**He thought he could like the kid. He wasn't afraid of Rangers, at the least, and that was always in his favour. And he had spunk.**

**And, Will was incredibly bored and wouldn't mind riding with someone.**

"Okay, I'll give her that last bit-" Rina spat on the ground, "but 'Sandy', as far as Will could tell earlier, was afraid of Rangers!" She shook her head. "The inconsistencies in this story are just so_painful_."

Randa shrugged. "Hey, it could be worse. Don't complain." She held up the RA. "On to the next chapter?"

"What else would we do?" Rina stepped through into what looked like an empty movie theater that was playing a movie on fast-forward. "Um, what?"

**Will and Sandy rode the rest of the way to the next fief talking with each other. Will learned the boy's name was Sander, but everyone called him Sandy. His dad owned a farm two fiefs over but he had been in debt, and then his father had died and the farm had been sold, leaving Sandy and his older sister on their own. His sister had found work in the nearby town, but Sandy hadn't been content with that and wanted to go find something to make of himself.**

"Oh, I think I know what's going on," Randa said, taking a seat and kicking up her feet. "It's because the author's condensing everything that happened over a long period of time."

"Hey, look! Popcorn!" Rina grabbed a bucket and started munching. "Not bad, actually."

The girls watched the time-lapsed journey until the narrative came to a screeching halt and threw them back into the story, popcorn flying everywhere.

**Will noticed the boy was looking at his longbow with interest, and asked if Sandy could shoot.**

**"I've never done more than a little itty bitty hunting bow," the boy confessed. Will considered him for a moment, then stood and unsheathed his saxe knife, and cut away the bark in a circle on a tree. A very small circle, because there wasn't enough room for distance. He then handed the boy his long bow and a single arrow.**

Rina went very still. "Oh, if she is able to draw that massive longbow and shoot like an expert, screw the charge list. I'm going in there and killing her."

Randa looked like she was about to object, but shrugged. "You know what? Go right ahead. If she does that, she deserves it."

**"Really?" the boy had asked, awe in his face. Will nodded. The boy took a rough stance, not entirely proper, and tried to draw the bow. The 90 pound draw weight was too much for him, and he hardly managed a half draw.**

"Okay, I suppose that's acceptable... but this tiny chick able to pull forty-five pounds is still questionable."

**The boy scowled as he aimed and fired, missing the circle but still hitting the tree, and yelping as the string slapped his arm. Will nodded his approval; obviously he hadn't had any proper training or practice, and the boy was by no means an expert; he had only been ten meters away. But, he wasn't totally hopeless.**

Rina snorted into her hands.

**Will removed his arrow from the tree, careful not to damage the arrowhead. It was hardly lodged in the tree much at all, with the weak shot it had been.**

"What?" Rina's jaw dropped. "Does she seriously not realize how much force is behind forty-five pounds of draw? That arrow should have been lodged in the tree!" And to demonstrate, she drew an arrow from her own quiver, tried in vain to scrape tree off the fletching, and, once Will and the Sue moved on, fired at the exposed bark. The arrowhead bit into the trunk, splintering the wood around it. Randa moved in for a closer look.

"And how much draw weight does that bow have?" she asked, pulling the arrow out and handing it to Rina.

"Forty-five pounds at full draw," Rina responded, not even trying to hide her smugness.

They skipped ahead over Will and Alis/Alisandra/Sandy traveling the rest of the way to Redmont, stopping a little before the story would bring in Gilan.

**Happily, he noticed that there were lights in the cabin. As Will dismounted, and Sandy pulled up even with him, Gilan opened the door and waved. Sandy dismounted, and looked at the cabin uncomfortably, unsure what to do. Will led Tug to a stable, where Gilan's horse Blaze whinnied a greeting. Sandy shifted uncomfortably, looking at Will with a question in his eyes. Will motioned him to come.**

Rina and Randa snickered.

"Back into the gutter!" Rina said gleefully.

**"Don't worry," Will said dismissively, unsaddling Tug.**

**"I don't want to intrude, I mean... I can go to an inn or something," the boy said, embarrassed.**

"Well, at least she has some semblance of manners," Randa said. "You know, when people aren't telling her she can't do things because she's a girl. Then she's just threatening them."

"I'd only tell her she couldn't do stuff because she's a wrench, but that's probably just me," Rina said, snickering.

**"Nonsense. There's a perfectly comfortable couch, if you'd like," Gilan said from the door.**

**"Ah, well, thankyou," the boy said, uncertain still as he led his grey horse to where Will was hanging his tac. The boy quickly loosened the girth and pulled the saddle off the horse, grunting under the weight of a fifty pound saddle over his head.**

"Fifty pounds?!" Rina practically exploded. "Saddles usually weigh twenty or twenty five pounds- the heaviest my riding instructor's ever seen was forty! And it's _tack_, not _tac_," she added, her lip curling. "And- and how can she lift a fifty-pound saddle when she could barely manage pulling forty-five pounds?" She clenched her fists, looking around for a good tree to punch.

"Nitpick, much?" Randa asked lightly.

"If it's a charge, it's a charge," Rina snapped. "This little- she-"

"Is an idiot? Yes, yes she is." Randa patted Rina on the shoulder. "Deep breaths, hon."

Rina breathed heavily through her nose as the Rangers and Sue went through the introduction routine. Finally, they went in for a cup of coffee.

**Sandy noticed, with a barely covered laugh, he had an entire pantry filled with bags of coffee beans.**

"How many pantries can one cabin have?" Rina wailed quietly.

Randa squinted at the Words. "Hey, Rina, is putting honey in the coffee a thing in canon?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I actually drank black coffee with honey for like a month because of the books," Rina said, grinning. "And then one day I got sick and threw up. I know it wasn't the coffee, but it put me off the stuff for a long time." She stood and stretched. "I don't see any more things we can charge for the rest of the night. Portal ahead?"

Randa had the portal ready before Rina even suggested it.

**"I have been a ranger for almost 7 years now, Gil. i could use one too." Gilan grinned.**

Rina facepalmed. "If Will's twenty-five like the story said earlier, he'd have been a Ranger for only four years! He was apprenticed at fifteen, and would have graduated at twenty but spent a year as a slave in Skandia, so he graduated at twenty-one. What is with this chick and keeping her timeline straight?"

**"Well if you don't want him for some reason..." Gilan continued, looking to where the boy rode ahead and was looking at the ground in great interest. Sandy dismounted, and they rode up to see what he was looking at. In the soft dirt were the faint outlines of wolf prints. To the two Rangers of course they were blatantly obvious, but they both realized most common folk wouldn't have seen it. But, if the boy had shot a hunting bow, he probably had principal tracking skills.**

"Not... necessarily," Rina said, frowning. "What's she playing at?"

**"Male wolf," the boy whispered almost to himself, then traced a jagged line in one of the forepaws with mild interest. "Scarred. Probably three or four years old." The Rangers exchanged a startled glance.**

As did the agents.

"Now she can track with psychic skills?" Rina said.

"It's to show how good of an apprentice she'll make," Randa said, nodding sagely.

Now that the Sue had established herself as a tracking expert, the narrative went out of its way to describe every track and print she spotted, thoroughly amazing the Rangers.

**Faint outlines of raccoon paws, hardly notable. But they were there. And he was certain the boy had seen them. Gilan saw them too, and stared, open in his disbelief. Together, they continued after the boy, and each time they found tracks where he stopped.**

"Why is this happening only just now?" Randa asked. "Oh, right. Sue."

Rina just grunted.

**As the sun drew near the western horizon, and there was only perhaps an hour left of daylight, Will called to Sandy to stop and make camp away from the track with them. The boy jumped off his horse and looked back at Will, and Will gestured to a small hill they could camp behind out of view of the track.**

**The boy went with him, and threw his crimson cloak to the ground in one smooth movement. Not for the first time, Will was struck by the girlishness in the movement, and how the boy's face was familiar. He pushed the thought aside.**

Randa held the RA to her mouth like a microphone. "And once again, ladies and gentlemen, the Idiot Ball is in Will Treaty's possession! Treaty's been able to keep a hold on the Idiot Ball for most of the fic, but will someone finally steal it away from him?"

Rina grinned and swatted Randa on the arm.

The grin faded when the Sue tracked down a buck using her psychic powers so Will could test her skills. And then the Ranger shot the deer for dinner.

"What, is a rabbit or two not good enough?" Rina sighed and slumped against a tree. "That poor deer- all its meat is going to go to waste."

They watched as the Sue called over the horse she'd been riding- the one she'd stolen from the farm- to carry the buck's carcass back to camp.

"And Will still hasn't made the connection." Rina sighed, then jumped when something flew past.

**It was right about then that a huge dark blue arrow flashed past their heads.**

There was a slight lurch as the story continued into the next chapter.

**The arrow thudded into a tree inches from Will's head. It was dark blue with raven feather fletching, a quivering onyx arrowhead over halfway buried in the tree and quivering. Tied to the end was a note.**

_**Will**_

_**You are getting close to the Gathering ground.**_

_**No outsiders permitted.**_

_**Get rid of the boy.**_

Rina made a violent gesture in the air again. "I hate it! I hate it I hate it I hate it! Rangers don't send messages by tying notes to arrows! And since when do they use onyx arrowheads?"

**Will frowned, and looked around for the shooter. Seeing none, he looked over to Sandy. Sandy was pressed flat to the ground, perfectly still, eyes fixed on the general direction the arrow had come from.**

"Oh my God, why can't he see the guard? He should know where they're posted! This is the guy who found the camouflaged blind that nobody else could!"

Will sent the Sue back to camp and had a quick exchange with the guard before heading back as well.

In the short amount of time Will spent talking with the guard, Gilan had already skinned the deer and the stew was ready to eat.

The agents, watching the Rangers and Sue eat, felt their stomachs rumble.

"That looks really good," Randa said, putting a hand on her stomach.

Rina nodded miserably. "The last thing I had to eat was that popcorn, and Cafeteria food before we left."

Randa winced. "You poor thing. I was able to swipe some rolls from Lord Potter's manor and had those before bed."

"And you didn't share with me?" Rina said indignantly.

"You were already asleep! There was no way I was gonna wake you and risk getting my head bitten off!"

The girls fell silent when the Rangers and Sue glanced their way.

They wanted nothing more than to portal ahead and skip the delicious smells of cooked meat, but with Will about to ask the Sue to become his apprentice, they were obligated to stay.

**She realized with a shock that she did indeed want to be a Ranger's Apprentice. But that would mean there'd be increased exposure, and he might find out who she was; would he return her to the farm? What if he stayed at the fief and the baron recognised her? It was Will's fief that was her home, after all…**

"Drama, angst, drama, angst, boring," Rina said. "I thought this was supposed to be an intense scene."

There was a snuffling in the brush behind the girls and they turned.

"What was that?" Rina whispered.

"I don't know," Randa whispered back.

And then a massive _thing_ stood up on its back legs, a thing that resembled something between a bear and an ape, a thing with evil yellow eyes.

Rina clapped a hand over Randa's mouth to stifle her shriek. "It's okay, it's a mini!" she whispered.

"A _mini?!"_ Randa hissed around Rina's hand. "That thing's as tall as you!"

But Rina had let go and was holding her hand out to the beast. "Hey, baron, are you okay?"

The monster snuffled at her hand before letting out a piteous moan. Rina smiled and took its massive paw.

"baron, this is Randa. Randa, this is baron. He's a mini-Kalkara of Baron Gerald- you know, the one from the uncanonical fief?" Rina laughed. "Since baron here was meant to refer to a proper noun, this guy spawned!"

"Well, what are we gonna do with him?" Randa asked. "He's huge! We can't fit him into our RC!"

"We'll think of something. But he can stay there for now, right?"

Randa grumbled for a bit, but finally said, "Fine. baron, we're going to send you someplace where you'll be safe. Can you stay there and not destroy or eat anything until we get back?"

baron nodded his ugly, furry head. Rina let go of his paw once Randa opened a portal to RC 3-Apple-14. "You be good!" she called as the portal closed behind him.

Randa dropped the RA into her pocket. "_That_ was this series' _mini?_"

"Well, to be fair, the real Kalkara are over seven feet tall," Rina said, shrugging.

In the meantime, the Sue had requested time to think over Will's offer and everyone had gone to sleep. The agents, still rested from earlier, portaled ahead to the next chapter.

It was early the next morning when **Sandy suddenly bolted upright, his hands fluttering around his mouth, stifling a scream. Terror was in his eyes, and he wrapped his arms around his knees. He looked at Will, mumbling No over and over again.**

"Oh goody. First she has psychic tracking skills, and now she has meaningful dreams," Rina said in disgust.

"Um, we don't even know what her dream was about."

"Betcha anything it's more Subtle Foreshadowing."

**"Sandy?" Will asked, kneeling in-front of the boy. Will put his hand on Sandy's knee, and the boy screamed and scrambled back.**

**"Dead," the boy muttered, terror in his eyes. "Dead dead dead."**

**"Who's dead, Sandy?" Will said, worried the lad had lost his mind.**

**"You," the boy whispered, hoarse.**

"Well." Rina sat back on her heels. "I thought for sure she'd seen her own death."

"You could still be right, though. Look," Randa said grimly.

**"You died," Sandy said, shuddering. "An arrow, straight through your heart." Will frowned to himself; why it would shake the boy so, he couldn't place. But he didn't push. After a moment, Sandy stood and brushed himself off.**

"If she kills off Will, whaddaya say we kill her in the exact same fashion?" Rina said, grinning evilly.

"Sounds good to me," Randa said with a grin to match.

The Sue finally agreed to Will's offer of apprenticeship and the three continued on to the Gathering.

And then…

**"Dismount," **Gilan** said in a whisper. Sandy looked at them in confusion, and arched an eyebrow in question to Will's unconcealed grin.**

**"Halt?" Will whispered back. Gilan nodded. Will slid silently from his seat, and as Sandy started in his downward slide to the ground Will caught him and placed him soundlessly on his feet.**

**"How's your aim with a rock?" Gilan whispered in Sandy's ear. It sounded like a rustle of the wind, Sandy hardly realized they were words.**

"Oh no. Oh no no no no no." Rina's face was slowly turning red. "Randa, I can't watch." She turned away from the scene.

It was painful, to say the least. The Rangers all got into position, waiting for Halt to arrive. Will and Gilan greeted their old master, pretending that they weren't trying to pull one over him.

**"Yes, it does seem you got the best of us," Gilan said, frowning unhappily. "But it's a tradition. Remember that time when you first brought Will, here, to the Ranger's Gathering? What was it you said to me?" Sandy's hand crept towards the rock, and he moved it to his right hand. He rose slowly to a crouch.**

Rina gritted her teeth and covered her ears, but she couldn't erase the Words from her mind.

**"I do believe he said something along the lines of 'keep in mind all the factors... like apprentices'," Will added. Will made eye contact with Sandy, and he took this as his cue. Just as realization dawned in Halt's face, a rock whirled inches in-front of his nose and thudded solidly into a tree about five feet from him. He spun, and made eye contact with Sandy, astonishment fading too mild irritation and amusement.**

"It hurts so much," Rina whispered when Halt congratulated Will, Gilan, and the Sue on a job well done.

The agents were yanked into the Gathering thanks to a sudden chapter change, and dropped in the middle of archery practice. Well, not quite in the middle, as that would have been disastrous. But it was close enough to give the agents a fright.

**First thing when they set up camp, Halt tossed Sandy a long-bow.**

**"Show me what you can do," Halt said, giving the boy an arrow and pointing to a tree some fifty metres away. Doubt flashed across Sandy's face, but he knocked the arrow.**

"Didn't we do this already?" Rina whined. "Why aren't we getting some more original horribleness? Though it is pretty funny to see her knocking the arrow," she added. "I guess _nocking_ wasn't good enough for her."

**Sandy closed his eyes. In his mind, he envisioned the archers below the window, in their stance, nailing targets a good 75 metres away. He pictured the boy who practised farthest from the window, and moved his feet to where the archer's had been. He turned his body, pulled back, and opened his eyes. On a sudden impulse, he released tension and unknocked the arrow, moving it to the wrong side of the string, and moved the bow to it's side, so the arrow was resting on top with his arm. He dropped to a kneel, and pulled back. The different muscles that were involved in pulling like this resulted in a full draw, and he pictured a line in space connecting with the tree trunk. He moved the bow to match the path, and released. It took him approximately 20 seconds.**

**The arrow whistled, and thudded into a dead log behind the tree, missing it by half a centimetre. All together, an amazing shot.**

Rina and Randa stared.

"What."

"Was."

"That?!" they said.

"Seriously, what? I can't- I don't even- I-!" Rina flailed her arms, trying to find words to convey her emotions.

**"Rubbish!" Halt declared hotly. "Some first year apprentice you are! Can't even shoot a bow from the proper position! And, more over, cannot even hit at only fifty meters!" Sandy flinched, taken aback. He thought the distance had been quite far, and the shot quite good. Especially for only his second time shooting a real bow.**

"Go die in a fire," Rina snarled.

**"Halt," Will said softly. "He's been my apprentice as of this morning." Halt spun and fixed him with an astonished stare.**

**"One day? ONE?" Halt responded, momentarily letting his emotions master him. The surprise on his face was all too evident.**

Rina had to bite her sleeve to muffle her screech of outrage. "_Halt. Does not. Show. Emotion!_"

**"Yes, one... More like half of one, really... And I think that is quite an interesting stance," Will said. "You don't have to rise as tall and make so much of yourself a target for an enemy. Sort of like a crossbow, but quicker to reload and more accurate."**

**The surprise faded from Halt's face as he considered Will's words.**

**"It wouldn't work well deep in the woods; too much space is needed..." Halt said.**

**"But for areas where you're shooting from behind, say, a palace wall, it would be ideal. Theoretically, only your head would have to show to shoot," Gilan threw in, taking the longbow from Sandy and hauling him to his feet.**

"_FUCK!_" It was a good thing Rina's jacket was still in her mouth.

Randa watched with only minimal interest as the Rangers got a fire going.

**"So, what's up?" Will asked, settling back against a log.**

**"So, as you well know," Halt said, shifting into a more comfortable position. "King Duncan is in battle in the Eastern Steppes fighting a war that should prevent raiders from interfering for future reference."**

"As you know, there's this thing you already know but I'm going to say it anyway for the audience's convenience," Randa said, glancing hopefully at Rina.

Rina was too busy fuming to laugh.

**"And what does this have to do with anything...?" Will prodded.**

**"Baron Giligan of Biurman fief died two days ago," Halt continued. "A new Baron took his place named Notsmark. He's very corrupt; he's put in place illegal taxes and has been abusing the citizens."**

"So why isn't the Ranger of the fief dealing with it?" Randa muttered. "And how's this guy done all that in two days? How did he get the position if he was so corrupt? King Duncan's really good at appointing Barons, right?" she asked Rina.

Rina nodded curtly.

**"Who's the Ranger of Biurman? Thomas, is it? Can't he deal with this? He's more than capable," Gilan put in.**

"That's pretty much what I just said."

**"Thomas is getting old," Halt said, shaking his head. "He was, in fact, hoping to be retiring next year. But, this may be a good experience for an apprentice to have under his belt; dealing with what ought to be a simple, political matter." He looked at Will now, and accepted a cup of coffee from Sandy with a word of thanks.**

**"Brilliant," Gilan said. "Can I come too?"**

**"If you'd like," Halt nodded. "I'm going as well; being cooped up in castle Araluen is driving me insane. Crowley promised to cover for me while we were taking care of this."**

"Again with Halt _never_ taking a desk job," Rina snarled.

The Sue asked about getting Ranger equipment other than a bow.

**"You'll also get one of the cloaks, and a scabbard. And hunting boots," Halt said, looking at the boy's shabby old boots with some slight disdain. "Proper ones." Sandy blushed.**

**"So I don't get my cloak?" he asked, fingering the crimson fabric.**

"It's completely impervious, Halt! Surely that could come in handy?" Rina said in a ridiculously high falsetto.

**"No. You look like a Little Red Robin with a Hood. Little Red Robin Hood," Halt responded.**

**Will nudged him in the ribs. "That's what I said!"**

**"Fill up my mug again, would you Robin Hood?" Gilan said jokingly, passing the mug.**

**"Robin Hood," Sandy said thoughtfully, topping off his mug. "You know, I rather like that."**

**"Robin it is!" Will said, bumping Sandy jokingly with his shoulder. Sandy grinned, and passed Gilan back his mug.**

"Goddammit," Rina said wearily. "Presuming to take the name of the Prince of Thieves? Not cool, man."

"Chapter change incoming," Randa warned, bracing herself for the sudden lurch.

There wasn't really anything of interest for about half the chapter, other than the Sue becoming a very good shot, knife thrower, and double-knife combatant within the space of a few days, so the agents skipped ahead.

**Oh the very last day of the Gathering, Will came to get Sandy from the practice range and led him to where the horses were. Robin looked at him questioningly, then back at the horses. There was something odd... was there one too many? Yes, yes, there was. There was another bay horse, just a shade smaller than Blaze's 15 hands, but taller than Tug. There was a huge white star between the eyes, which were big and brown and intelligent.**

"Ooh, I can't wait to see her get bucked off," Rina said, rubbing her hands together like a cartoon villain.

**"Her name is Nudge," Will said to his apprentice quietly. In response, the horse nudged Robin so hard he nearly fell over.**

"Well, there's a blatant ripoff of Bumper if I ever saw one," Rina said with a sigh. "I feel evil saying this, but sometimes I wish Flanagan never wrote book twelve... female Rangers are everywhere in fanfiction now."

"Wait... the horse is named Nudge... and the wolf is Max?" Randa facepalmed. "I don't know if the _Maximum Ride_ resemblances were intentional or not."

Rina stared at her for a moment. "Oh my God, you're right," she said, also facepalming. "Max and Nudge... If she brings in a character called Fang, Iggy, or Angel, I'm gonna be _so _pissed."

**"Is... is she mine?" Robin asked, looking at Will in a mixture of hope and surprise. Will grinned and nodded. Robin patted the horses muzzle, and stroked her neck. He put his boot in the stirrup and started to swing up, then paused, seeing the expression on Will's face. He looked far too smug. "... What's the catch?" Robin paused, putting his foot back on the ground.**

"Dammit- I wanted to see some bucking!" Rina pouted. "Figures she'd be too 'smart' to fall for that."

**"You caught me?" Will said, unhappily. "You didn't... not fair."**

"See? Even Will thinks it's not right!"

**Robin heard a quiet chuckling that turned into huge shaking laughter, and saw Halt watching them. Will's face was turning very red.**

"Wait, is Halt-?" Randa pulled out her CAD, dreading what its analysis would be.

**"Looks like your apprentice is bright, Will! Maybe you could learn something!" Halt hooted.**

The CAD- their third one in as many missions- simply evaporated in Randa's hand with a quiet fizzle.

Rina's jaw dropped as she watched, horrified, by what she was witnessing. She made a noise not unlike that of a dying cat.

"Halt's... laughing." She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them again. The jaded, straight-faced Ranger was still clutching his sides and howling.

**Halt held his sides and stopped laughing, though he was still grinning.**

Rina reached into her pocket and, after a bit of digging, pulled out the bottle of Bleeprin. "Want some?" she asked faintly, holding it out to Randa.

Randa accepted it gratefully, shook out two of the pills, and handed one to Rina. "Cheers," she said, popping it in her mouth and swallowing.

The girls immediately felt its soothing effects and sighed happily.

"That's some good stuff," Rina said. "No wonder everyone uses Bleep products!" She settled herself against a nearby tree, ignoring the feeling of the still-gummy tree in her hair sticking to the bark.

The chapter abruptly ended and shot the agents forward to the next. It was a good thing they were sitting, because they would have fallen over otherwise.

**On the day after the Gathering ended, and everyone was going home, Will found Robin sitting with an old Golden Leaf Ranger. Will vaguely knew the man, Tanner, who had retired in one of the first years of his apprenticeship. Tanner had been a top-notch healer and doctor, best in the corps.**

"This is boring," Rina yawned, scratching idly at her face.

**"I see, so the heart basically can be healed by..." Robin trailed off, looking up at Will. Robin grinned and waved at him.**

**"That's the basic idea, anyway. You never know when that sort of knowledge will come in handy," Tanner finished, gesturing for Will to sit down with them.**

Randa sat up. "Do I smell foreshadowing?" she said, somewhat hopefully.

**"So what are you two talking about?" Will asked, flopping down on the ground next to Robin.**

**"The lad here just wanted to know if there was any way to heal a heart that's been shot through with an arrow," Tanner said.**

"Could it be? The Sue is gonna get shot?" Randa clutched her heart and gestured dramatically. "Oh, say it will be so!"

**Will arched an eyebrow, looking at his apprentice's bright red face. "I was explaining how, theoretically you could, if you were fast enough... if you accomplished the whole surgery in about two minutes, anyway."**

"Aw, nuts." Rina coughed. Her throat felt uncomfortably tight. "I guess-" she broke off in a fit of coughing. "I guess this means she'll live." She tried clearing her throat several times, but to no avail. If anything, it was only getting worse. She scratched at her face again.

**"Mauch!" Will hollered, looking around for the boy that would accompany them. A figure scurried up to Will, reminding him to an extent of a mixture of a bug-eyed frog and a chipmunk. Not exactly a flattering comparison, but true none the less.**

Randa rubbed her eyes when the overweight apprentice showed up. "Dear God, this couldn't get any worse. I mean, it's not like Rangers are expected to be in top shape or anything." She bent her head forward, resting it on her knees. The mission's end couldn't come fast enough.

She heard a strangled cough from Rina and felt a tug on her sleeve. Randa looked up- and clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a shriek of horror.

Rina's face was swollen and puffy, and she was clutching at her throat, wheezing. "Can't breathe," she mouthed, her eyes almost shut from swelling.

Randa lunged for the remote activator, fumbling in her panic. "Hang on, Rina, just hang on!" she said, frantically punching in the coordinates for Medical, hampered by the gummy controls. When the portal opened, Randa bent, grabbed Rina under the arms, and half-dragged, half-carried the semi-conscious agent into Medical.

The doctor who hurried to help Randa lift her partner onto a bed looked very much like a character from an episode of _Star Trek_ Rina had once made her watch, Randa thought wildly. The man passed a scanner of some sort over Rina's body.

"Anaphylactic shock," he said to one of the nurses, who hurried to a cabinet and retrieved what looked a bit like an EpiPen. Randa flinched when he jammed the needle into Rina's thigh.

"Can you think of anything that might have triggered this?" the doctor asked as he and the nurse went about preparing an oxygen mask. The doctor managed to wipe away a decent amount of tree goop before slipping the mask over Rina's mouth and nose.

"I- I don't know," Randa stammered, wringing her hands and bouncing anxiously in place. "We were on a mission in Ranger's Apprentice-" Her eyes widened. "Could it be Bleeprin?"

"Oh, absolutely," the doctor said, running the scanner over Rina again. "She's stabilizing," he noted with satisfaction. "Excellent. Allergic reactions aren't by any means difficult to treat here," he added for Randa's benefit, "but they're not nearly as common or as simple to treat as reattaching limbs. Why, not too long ago, a Time Lord agent who'd lost a foot..."

Randa felt her stomach turn over at the mention of severed limbs. Luckily, the doctor had trailed off and was studying Rina, looking thoughtful.

"I believe she was in here just last week," he said. "Rina Dives?"

"Yeah," Randa said, trying to hide the quaver in her voice. "She said something about space-time sickness, or whatever..." She furtively wiped her cheeks on her sleeve. "We both only just started. Is she going to be all right?" She couldn't imagine how Rina's family would feel if she never came home…

"She'll be up and about by tomorrow, I promise," the doctor said, giving Randa a gentle pat on the arm. "There is really very little we're unable to treat here."

Randa felt her mouth quirk up in a smile. "Thanks, Doctor...?"

"Fitzgerald." He accepted her offer of a handshake. "And I don't suppose you're the Randa Rina told me about?"

Randa grinned. "Depends- did she say good stuff or bad?"

"Just that she wanted you as a partner," Doctor Fitzgerald said.

At the other end of the room, a portal opened and two agents appeared, dragging a bloody and beaten Legolas between them.

"Keep an eye on her," Doctor Fitzgerald said to the nurse before hurrying over to assess the elf.

Randa took Rina's hand. "Doctor Fitzgerald and the nurses are gonna take good care of you," she said softly. "I'll come back as soon as I can, but I have to finish the mission first. Don't worry about me, okay? Just get better."

Rina didn't respond, though her fingers twitched slightly. Randa knew she couldn't really hear her, but it made her feel better.

Randa nodded to the nurse and opened a portal back to the badfic, silently plotting an appropriately ironic death for the Sue. First, though, she needed that guitar and the cloak... and she'd have to locate the real Halt. She peered through the window of the inn where the Rangers had decided to stop for the night, scanning the Words for a likely plothole.

**The tavern was dead silent, several pairs of less-than-friendly eyes fixed on the group of five.**

**"Rangers," one man broke the silence, then spat to the side. "Why so many? Who be you?"**

**"I'm Gilan," Gilan responded. "This is Mauch," he said, pointing to Mauch. "This is Will Treaty," he said, pointing to Will. Several eyebrows rose. "This is Halt," he pointed to Halt, and that name got a gasp. "And that would be Robin Hood." Robin waved half heartedly into the silent tavern.**

Randa resisted the urge to bang her head against the window. "I'm sorry, but they wouldn't be introducing Alis as Robin Hood," she muttered. "They'd introduce her as Sandy." She had a sudden thought. "Do Rangers ever spend the night at inns?"

When she got no response, she sighed. "I wish Rina was here," she said morosely. "At least then I wouldn't be talking to myself like an idiot."

**"Why all the big names?" **the man** asked, looking around. "Will Treaty, Halt, Gilan. Thought it was one Ranger, one Riot?"**

Randa snorted. "The narrative even acknowledges it. You know it's bad when they acknowledge they're doing it wrong and do it anyway."

**"Reunion of friends," Halt said shortly. Robin took note on how Halt didn't mention there was a mission involved.**

"Well, at least replacement!Halt isn't a total idiot," Randa said. Then she thought about what she said. "...that's gonna make my job a lot harder, isn't it?"

**The big man turned his attention to the two younger ones. His attention shifted away from Mauch with a grimace, and he focused on Robin.**

**"Hullo, little Robin 'ood," the man said, squinting at the boy. "You seem oddly familiar. You a lord, anywhere?" Robin started to shake his head, then paused.**

**"I'm an orphan," Robin said slowly. "But, my uncle does own a manner." The man squinted harder and leaned forward.**

**"Wouldn't happen to be one down in Lafway, would it? Those eyes seem familiar. Ah, I know! Locksley, is it? Locksley manner? The same crazy eyes."**

The ever-increasing resemblance to the Robin Hood story was making Randa uncomfortable. Was it possible they'd been given a crossover by mistake?

**Will watched the exchange with great interest. How had he not known the boy was related to Alis? It was in the face, the eyes most certainly. In fact, if it wasn't for the hair, they could have been identical twins…**

Randa pinched the bridge of her nose. Will's stupidity was _really _beginning to grate on her nerves.

There was some more inane conversation in which the Sue's identity was nearly revealed multiple times, only to be covered by the flimsiest of excuses. Randa was sorely tempted to just burst into the room and end the mission right then and there, but she knew doing that was stupid. The trained, albeit possessed and/or replaced Rangers were all awake and more than capable of taking down one heavyset teenage girl. Even if Rina wasn't incapacitated, it wouldn't be possible.

**"You have the money for this?"** the innkeeper asked when the Rangers requested rooms.

**In response, Robin dropped three gold coins on the table before anyone else could react. The inn-keeper nodded, collected the coins, and went back behind the counter and began polishing things with an oily rag. Robin became conscious of the eyes fixed on him, and realized how stupid it had been to do that- ah, well, what sort of person was stupid enough to attack five men that were so obviously Rangers?**

"The ones that are needed to further the plot, of course!" Randa said in a faux-cheery voice.

She retreated to the woods and made herself comfortable against a tree and waited for darkness to fall. It was a good thing it was already evening, because she'd have gone nuts if she had to wait around for several hours without Rina's company..

**"You know," Robin said, looking out the window as Gilan and Halt closed the door behind them. "It's a lovely night. I think I'm going to go for a short walk before bed."**

**Robin turned and walked to the door, looking at Will. Will nodded, and together they exited the room.**

Knowing it would be best to strike while the Sue was incapacitated, Randa's mind began racing, frantically trying to compile a charge list and plan how she was going to carry out the Duty. She silently cursed for not having planned more earlier.

**So absorbed where they in the night, that they didn't notice the three men in the shadows beside the inn. Will later blamed himself, he should have been more alert; but why should there have been an attack on such a brilliant night?**

"Why indeed?" Randa muttered. "Oh, right! Plot convenience!"

Randa watched as the Sue and Will were ambushed by several people who wanted the gold coins the Sue had used to pay the innkeeper.

**Will seemed to see what happened next in slow motion. As the man fell, with his dying breath, he plunged the knife into Robin's side. Robin's eyes widened and his knees buckled, his hands grasping at the knife in his side, and looked at Will pleadingly. The boy said one word before his eyes closed.**

**"Will."**

"Overly-dramatic. How else would she do it?" Randa sighed. Now was the perfect time to act, and she didn't know what to do.

A plan slowly started forming in her mind. She quickly portaled back to grab the impossible guitar, then to chapter one where Halt's desk job was first mentioned.

* * *

><p>"So, Will's stitching up the wound and wrapping her up in bandages," Randa said, reading the Words aloud for her companion's benefit. "Then the innkeeper walks in and wants to know what happened, and Will says, and I quote, '<strong>Some thugs had a knife, you giant twat<strong>'."

Halt shook his head. "Disgraceful," he said, "absolutely disgraceful. My imposter, at the very least, should know that is not the proper way to treat a stab wound, but Will forgetting his training like that is unforgivable. And even if it were, there's nothing to be done for a knife in the lungs or heart."

"Well, that's character replacement for you," Randa said, sighing heavily. "Just be glad Will and Gilan are only possessed." She frowned when she realized she didn't have any canon materials to use during an exorcism. Then she glanced at Halt and smiled.

"I think now would be a good time to clean up this mess," she said. "With the Sue unconscious and everyone else asleep, we won't have too much trouble from them."

Halt gave her a dubious look. "Will and Gilan might be possessed," he said, his voice still carrying a hint of sarcasm, "and the man pretending to be myself might be pathetic, but they're still trained Rangers."

Randa shrugged. "Not really. The narrative _says_ they're highly trained, but I have yet to see so for myself. In fact, if we don't take care if this, the Sue will, in a few chapters, sneak up on you and Will and proceed to give you both a tongue-lashing that impresses _you_." She paused. "Though that's not to say they aren't still dangerous."

Halt smiled- a genuine, Halt-esque smile that said, 'you're in a _lot_ of trouble'. He made to rise.

"Wait for me!" Randa cried, scrambling to her feet and grabbing the Sue's guitar. She managed to get a portal working- there wasn't as much tree on Rina's RA, so it was slightly easier- and was rewarded with a minute widening of Halt's eyes.

"We should take out Will and Gilan first," Randa said, keeping her voice low. "Can you gag them so they don't make any noise while I deal with them?"

Halt moved silently through the portal. By the time Randa stepped through behind him and got the portal closed, he had already bound and gagged the possessed Rangers.

Randa swallowed, her mouth suddenly very dry. What if she messed this up? She'd been counting on Rina to do the exorcisms.

She shook her head and raised her arms. "Uh, get out, spirit of bad characterization! Begone, influence of uncanon! The power of- of-" Randa stuttered to a stop. "The p-power of..." Oh, what had Rina said? Hannagan?

"Flanagan! Yeah, that's it!" Randa pointed at the trussed canons. "The power of Flanagan compels you and stuff! Halt, I need you to hit them!"

Halt raised an eyebrow at the odd request, but he smacked Will, then Gilan, smartly across the face. Clouds of glitter trickled from their mouths and noses, dispersing into the air with a quiet shriek.

Randa slumped against the wall, shaking. If she'd screwed that up... Well, she didn't want to imagine what might have happened.

Meanwhile, Will and Gilan were starting to come around. Halt untied them and helped Will stand.

"Halt?" Will asked, recognizing his old teacher. "What happened? Gilan, do you remember anything?"

"I can explain," Randa said, pulling out her neuralyzer and holding it up. She closed her eyes and pressed the button.

And then she facepalmed, because she'd forgotten to tell Halt to look away. Well, she'd just have to improvise without him.

"Okay, nothing weird happened, nothing unusual at all," she said, swapping the neuralyzer for the extremely sticky remote activator. "You three have just arrived at this year's Gathering and are doing whatever it is you'd normally be doing."

She herded the dazed Rangers through, killed the connection, and sighed. The next part wasn't going to be fun.

Gripping the Sue's guitar firmly by the neck in one hand and her yo-yo in the other, she left the room, muttering the charge list like a mantra under her breath. The inn's upstairs hallway only had the one other room, which made locating her targets much easier.

Thanks to replacement!Halt's dulled senses, Randa was able to sneak to the bed without waking him. Seeing the Sue snuggled against his chest made her want to barf.

"Okay," she whispered, setting down the guitar and raising the yo-yo. "You, mister not-Halt, have been charged with crappy impersonation of a canon character, causing our CAD to completely evaporate, and causing Rina to try Bleeprin and nearly die. Also for not having a basic understanding of first aid." With that, she brought the yo-yo down on the doppelgänger's head with all her strength. "Try fixing _this_," she grunted.

Being a replacement with very little characterization of its own, the fake Halt exploded into glitter. Randa coughed and stumbled back, tripping over the Sue's guitar and landing on the floor with a loud thump.

The Sue woke and tried to sit up, clutching at the wound in her side. "Who's there?" she called, then noticed the glitter in her bed. "Halt!" she shrieked, and pointed an accusing finger at Randa. "You killed him!"

"No, I killed the replacement you created, you little twit," Randa snapped. "Now then, Alisandra, also known as Alis, Sandy, and _Robin Hood_, you are accused of being a Mary Sue. You created massive timeline disruptions and major canon breaches with the creation of your own ward program and having Will state he'd been a Ranger far longer than possible. You also made up a bunch of bullshit about small hands not being good for art because Plot Convenience."

The Sue scowled. "Oh my God, don't remind me about that! Isn't it bad enough that-"

"_Furthermore_," Randa continued, talking over the Sue, "you are charged with creating a not-so-mini-Kalkara, multiple instances of Bad Medicine, melting trees, impossible archery, growing a third arm, turning into a wrench, pissing off me and my partner, and blatant stupidity." She paused, thinking. "I'm sure Rina would have had a lot more to say, but since your craptastic characterization landed her in Medical, you don't get the full charge list. I guess it doesn't matter, since that's more than enough charges."

The Sue's face was bright red. "This is because I'm a _girl_, isn't it?" she yelled.

"Did I say 'being a girl' in the charge list?" Randa snarled back, punching the RA's 'Home in on CAF' button. She picked up the Sue and threw her bodily through the portal, then grabbed the guitar and scarlet cloak and followed.

Max the wolf snarled at Randa when she appeared, but when she cracked the Sue over the head with the guitar and knocked her out, reality snapped back into place and the very ignored wolf realized it hadn't eaten in over a week. He snarled at Randa again, standing possessively over the Sue's body. Randa slowly backed away and the wolf turned his attention to his dinner.

Randa looked away, wincing at the sounds of ripping and crunching. She tried, still in vain, to wipe the tree gunk off the remote activator, and opened another portal- but this one didn't lead to HQ.

The sight of someone stepping through a shimmering blue ring that seemingly appeared out of nowhere would have made just about anybody stop what they were doing and stare, and Rina's family was no exception.

Randa stood in the middle of the living room, covered in tree and glitter and clutching the blood-smeared guitar. She gave a weak smile. "Uh, there's some stuff I think you guys deserve to know..."

* * *

><p>When Rina woke up, she thought for a second that she was still dreaming. How could her dad and brother possibly be in Headquarters?<p>

"Dad! She's awake!" Alex leaned over her, grinning toothily. "I saw a troll and a dwarf from _World of Warcraft_ outside the Cafeteria!" he said excitedly. "Have you seen them? And the talking plants? Ooh, and there was a massive talking tarantula named Mcgonagoll and a house-elf called Mindy that Miranda brought to see you, and she showed me your room and the barking owl, and one of your old bandmates showed up, and I saw a pony from MLP-"

Rina blinked once, twice. "Wha?"

Her father squeezed her hand. "You've been asleep all day," he said, giving her a smile that was equal parts worry and relief. "Your mother's somewhere around here- she went to go have a talk with your boss."

The way Mr. Dives said 'your boss' would have normally made Rina look away and stammer an explanation, but hearing that her mother was going to 'talk' to the Sunflower Official made her sit bolt upright, accidentally ripping off the oxygen mask in the process.

"Mom's WHAT?" she yelled, and that was when realization finally hit. Her eyes widened and she pointed a shaking finger at her dad and brother. "You guys are here! How? When? What's going on?!"

"Sabrina, calm down," Mr. Dives said, holding out the oxygen mask. Rina's breath was coming in short, quick gasps and her chest felt tight again. She shakily slipped the mask back over her her head, trying to slow her breathing.

Alex patted her head. "There, there," he said, imitating Sheldon Cooper. Rina rolled her eyes at him.

"How did you guys get here?" she asked, mostly of her father.

"Miranda," he said simply. "She appeared in the living room early this morning and told us you were hurt." Mr. Dives ran a hand over his balding head. "So we came here and she told us everything while we were waiting for you to wake up."

Rina winced. "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier, but I was busy with my job and couldn't find the time..."

Alex blinked. "Whaddaya mean, earlier? How long have you been here?"

"I don't know, about a week?"

Alex's eyes widened. "Woah, cool! It's just like in _Doctor Who_ where you can go back to the same time you left!"

"Or Narnia." Rina could feel tears welling up and quickly wiped them away. "I was so worried you guys would be freaking out," she said.

"Oh, believe me, young lady, I still am."

Rina slowly turned her head. "Uh... hi, mom."

Mrs. Dives was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed and her eyes blazing with anger.

"Sabrina Elizabeth Dives," she said, shaking her head, "never, and I mean _never_, did I ever imagine you would be so foolish and irresponsible in my entire life." Her voice was dangerously quiet.

Rina said nothing, mentally bracing herself for the scolding of a lifetime.

"You run away from home, fall in with a bunch of lunatics who brainwash you into killing other people, and then you almost get yourself killed with drugs!" Mrs. Dives was just getting warned up. "And you had to indoctrinate your friend too, and now you think you've been gone for a week? Is this place constantly filled with hallucination-inducing gas? Because the person I was told to go see looked like a giant sunflower in a suit, and he or she or it or _whatever _spoke to me in my _mind!_ I don't want to hear anything from you," she said, holding up a hand when Rina opened her mouth to protest. "This place is insane, and as soon as possible, we're getting out of here and I'm calling the cops!"

"Hon, I think you need to calm down," Mr. Dives said, but Mrs. Dives only directed her anger at him.

"Calm down?" she yelled. "Our daughter almost died and you're telling me to calm down?!"

"Hobbitses is very upset, isn't they, precioussss?" hissed a voice from behind Mrs. Dives. She spun and found herself face-to-mandibles with Mcgonagoll, who was being held by Randa at arm's length.

Rather than freaking out, Mrs. Dives jabbed a finger at the mini. "This is what I'm talking about! Giant, talking spiders? What's next? Daleks?"

"Well, actually, Mcgonagoll's kinda small for a mini-Aragog," Randa said, edging past Mrs. Dives and setting Mcgonagoll on Rina's lap.

"And there are a couple of Dalek agents in HQ," Rina added, running a finger down Mcgonagoll's furry back. "But they're friendly enough."

Mrs. Dives' mouth fell open slightly. "Oh, sweetie, what have they done to you?" she said quietly, sitting on the bed next to Rina and trying in vain to smooth her daughter's hair.

Rina swatted the hand away. "Mom, _listen_ to me," she snapped. "'They' haven't done anything to me, okay? I was getting ready for school one minute and the next thing I knew, I fell through a plothole and ended up in HQ's cafeteria-"

"With trolls and dwarves!" Alex put in helpfully.

"Well, there was an Andalite when I was there," Rina said, grinning when Alex's eyes widened.

"Well, it doesn't matter," Mrs. Dives said. "Trolls? Dwarves? Andalites? Daleks? They aren't _real_, they're just characters from games, from books and movies-"

"Laura, what's to say we aren't just characters as well?" Mr. Dives said, spreading his hands. "I realize this place is insane, but not in the way you're making it out to be." He gestured around the room. "This is just about as real as you can get. And Doctor Fitzgerald seemed quite mentally stable for a copy of the medical hologram from _Voyager_."

Rina and Randa exchanged glances, deciding it was probably best to not mention that the majority of PPC employees were not nearly as sane as the ones in the Medical department.

"Mom," Rina said, "I don't want to go. I love it here. And I'm needed. People are screwing up all sorts of universes and it's my job to put things right. The PPC isn't a cult, it's an organization that's just doing it's best to keep the multiverse from collapsing. Mary Sues aren't real people, okay? How many real people do you know who explode into glitter and have the power to alter other people's personalities- or histories?"

"And the Bleeprin is like a job-required vaccination," Randa added. "You wouldn't send relief workers into Africa without making sure that they were safe from malaria or whatever, would you? Rina just had an allergic reaction to it, so-"

"I'll just use Suebuprofen instead," interjected Rina.

Randa shot Rina a glance and shook her head almost imperceptibly. Rina frowned, wondering what her friend was trying to say.

Mrs. Dives still didn't look convinced. "Sabrina, you almost _died_," she said. "I don't want you to have such a dangerous job- why can't you come home and become an author like you always wanted? And," she said, suddenly looking triumphant, "you still haven't even finished high school, much less college! What do you expect to do for the rest of your life without a college degree, hmm?"

Rina stared at her mother. "Mom, were you even listening to me? I'm an agent of the PPC now. I already have a job. I don't need to finish school, but if I ever need or want to learn about something, the library here contains every book ever written, in our world and every other. I don't have to worry about going hungry, and you won't find better healthcare anywhere else. I've even got an apartment, of sorts.

"Yeah, the job's dangerous, but if I'm not going to do it, who will? The PPC needs every agent it can get. I'm not going to leave just so I can go home, get a regular, boring job and live out the rest of my life wishing I'd stayed! Just a few days ago, I was in Hogwarts with the Marauders, and then Diagon Alley, and just yesterday-ish I was at the Ranger's Gathering in Araluen! Why would I- no, how _could_ I go home after all of that?"

Mrs. Dives shook her head and looked to her husband for help. "Jeff, you can't let her do this!"

Mr. Dives put a hand on his wife's shoulder. "Hon, you have to let her make her own decisions. She's nearly eighteen, after all, and I think she's old enough to know what she wants to do with her life."

Rina felt a surge of gratitude for her father and nodded enthusiastically. "Come on, mom, I'm almost twice the adult age in the Pokémon world," she said, grinning, "and a legal adult in a load of other worlds. Heck, back home, I'm only two months away from being an adult, and that's in our country." She scooped up Mcgonagoll. "And I can't leave him behind, or baron." She looked around. "Where _is_ baron, anyway?"

Randa gave a sheepish smile. "Well, this one guy, C.J., who said he knew you from band- he and his partner ran into me in the hall, and we recognized each other from school." She grinned. "Small multiverse, huh? Anyway, he asked if he could visit. Long story short, his partner took a liking to baron and asked to keep him. I said sure, since we were going to have to give him up for adoption anyway."

Rina thought back to her high school band. "C.J... tall, really thin, sandy blond hair, freckles?"

"Yeah, that's him."

Mrs. Dives cleared her throat. "Sabrina, I still don't want you doing this."

"_Mom_. I'm not leaving, okay? I'm _not_."

Mrs. Dives blinked hard. And you're... you're really sure this is what you want to do?"

"Absolutely."

Mrs. Dives seemed to deflate. "Then... I... I suppose... as long as you promise to visit as often as you can-"

"I don't know if I'll be able to visit much, mom," Rina said, chewing on her lip. "How about if I call you?"

Mrs. Dives sighed. "Fine. If you call often, I suppose you can stay. But don't think I'm happy about this at all," she added sharply.

"Not for a minute," Rina said, hugging her mother tightly. Mrs. Dives hugged her back.

"Group hug!" Alex yelled, throwing his arms around both of them. "Hey, Rina, if you ever go to Azeroth, could you bring me back a sword that glows and bursts into flames? Or maybe some Prideful Gladiator stuff?"

"No magic weapons," Mr. and Mrs. Dives said automatically.

"Aww!"

Mr. Dives stood and stretched. "Well, I'd like some breakfast that doesn't look like it's moving," he said. "Shall we get going?"

"Food!" Alex jumped up, now completely single-minded.

Mrs. Dives have Rina a final hug. "Be careful. And I want you to call us the instant you're out of Medical, understand?"

"Understood," Rina said. "And mom?"

"Yes?"

"Next time you visit, please don't go yell at my boss again. I'd really like to get a raise sometime."

Mrs. Dives smiled.

Randa pulled a new, clean remote activator from her pocket and opened a portal to Rina's house. Rina waved as her family filed through, but the instant Randa closed the portal, she turned angrily.

"Why the hell did you drag my family into this? You should have known mom would flip her shit!"

Randa didn't back down from the shouting. "Because," she said quietly, "you almost died, okay? Doctor Fitzgerald said your blood pressure was extremely low and your airways had closed up. How would your family have felt if they found out about your job the hard way? Or never found out at all, and they think you've been kidnapped and they search for years and years before they finally gave you up as dead?"

It was like a slap in the face. Rina reeled back, her heart feeling like it would break as she imagined Randa's scenario. Sure, she and her mom often butted heads, and her dad was busy with his job, and Alex was an annoying little bugger, but she couldn't imagine putting them through that torment.

"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry," Rina said, hugging Mcgonagoll to her chest. The mini hissed and clicked his pincers in protest. Rina quickly let go.

"I talked to my own mom," Randa said, sitting in Mr. Dives' now-vacant chair. "She wasn't too pleased, either, but she was a bit more understanding. Probably had something to do with the fact that my brother's already moved out. I guess I got lucky."

"You have no idea." Rina scooted forward and lay down, shifting Mcgonagoll to her stomach. "So, what were you trying to signal earlier about the Suebuprofen?"

Randa grimaced. "Yeah... about that... Well, Doctor Fitzgerald did some scans, and it turns out, it wasn't the aspirin that caused your reaction. It was the Bleep."

Rina sat up slowly. "So, you're saying...?" She was hoping she wasn't about to hear what she thought she was about to hear.

"No Bleeprin, no Suebuprofen, not Bleep _anything_."

Rina flopped back onto her pillows. "Goddammit."


	4. A Stint Into WhatThe

_The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. _Sevlow_ belongs to GhostPotter and I do not intend to ever claim it as mine. _Harry Potter_ belongs to the amazing and talented J.K. Rowling, Agent Rina belongs to me, and Agent Randa belongs to my friend who has graciously agreed to let me use her as a partner. Special thanks to Darkotas and Hieronymus Graubart for being my Betas. As always, expect some foul language._

* * *

><p>"Randa, I don't think my brain can take this. I really don't." Rina turned away from the screen, rubbing her eyes.<p>

Their newest mission had come in mere minutes after Rina had been discharged from Medical, and it looked like a doozy. Just because it was two chapters in length didn't mean it would be an easy job; rather, it more than likely meant the opposite. Rina was now certain the Flowers were determined to drive as many agents as crazy as possible, because the summary of the badfic was nearly enough to make her snap.

**Sevlow is the daughter of Remus Lupin, what happens when she and Harry Potter has to get married? In this story James Potter is alive...**

"Well, sitting around isn't going to get anything done," Randa said resignedly, opening a portal and grabbing their backup-backup RA off the console. She glanced back at her friend. "Rina? D'you think you'll be all right?"

"Sevlow?" was all Rina could manage. "Lupin- she-"

"It's okay, I'll go on my own," Randa said, ducking through the portal. A split second before it closed, Rina dived through, landing in the middle of a... something. It looked vaguely like a street, if someone described a street to a blind man so he could draw said street with a broken pencil held in his non-dominant fist before proceeding to erase his work. The vagueness of the setting was giving both girls a headache.

The only place that had any sort of solidity to it was a structure that looked somewhat like a house, but its constant shifting made it difficult to be sure. Rina and Randa stumbled to a window, which stabilized the instant Randa grabbed hold of the sill.

"Are you _sure_ you'll be all right?" Randa asked again, but Rina held a finger to her lips.

**"But dad I don't even remember Uncle Moony's wife let alone her kid" sixteen year old Harry Potter told his dad. **

Randa stared at the opening sentence, then glanced at Rina. "So, care to tell me everything that's wrong with this?"

Rina banged her head against the wall. "James Potter should be dead! Remus Lupin wouldn't be married at this point if Harry's sixteen! And why does everyone seem to think Harry would call Remus 'Uncle Moony'?"

"Well, Sirius was referred to as 'Padfoot' for quite a while in the fourth and fifth books, wasn't he?" Randa asked. Rina shook her head.

"Only as a precaution in case the mail got intercepted," she said irritably. "I can't think of any instance where Harry actually addressed him as Padfoot."

**His day was going great, his Godfather Sirius Black who they call Padfoot, his wife Destiny and their son Sirius JR came over. Than his two best friend Ron and Hermione. Than his dad's best friend Remus Lupin who they name Moony who also lives with him and dad came home.**

"Poor, poor Sirius JR," Randa mused. "With a name like that, he must get beaten up at school on a daily basis."

Rina's mouth was hanging open. "Sirius is still _alive? _Sirius has a _wife? _Named _Destiny? _And a _son? Remus is married?!_"

**Harry's mom was killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named when he was one, she died saving him. **

"Then why is James still alive?!" Rina wailed. "I _refuse_ to believe he ran away when his family needed him, but he's not so stupid as to go out when he's supposed to be in hiding…" She thought for a moment. "Actually, from what we know in canon, he might be reckless enough to try…"

**Making him the boy who lived after the dark wizard tried killing him with the killing curse but felled. Moony was married for a month than his wife decided she couldn't handle being married to a werewolf so she left. **

Rina flailed. "Why? _Why? Why?!_" She looked like she was about to cry. "Tonks loved him even though he was a werewolf! _He's _the one who kept pushing her away!"

**Now his Uncle Moony got a letting saying his ex-wife Tonks was killed in line of duty and he now he has custody of his daughter. So now his day sucks,**

"...uh... that's the end of the paragraph." Randa blinked several times. "Rina, can you make any sense of this?"

"Not only did she drive a bulldozer over canon, but she proceeded to dance on its grave while pissing on it as well." Rina was actually beginning to tear up a little. "The only thing even somewhat accurate is the 'Lily died to save Harry' bit!" She sank to the ground, cradling her knees to her chest. "Tonks would never leave Remus, not in a million years! And if they _had_ gotten married long ago enough for the Sue to be Harry's age, Tonks would have to have been seven when she gave birth! _Fucking seven! _Why does nobody have any respect for canon?"

"Hey, the Sue is gonna be arriving soon," Randa said in a feeble attempt to distract her partner. "Let's go watch, come on."

With a massive effort, she heaved Rina to her feet and the girls snuck around the house to a sketchy-looking front porch. They stared at the **tall girl with long pink hair, white eyes standing there**.

"Now she's kinda-sorta-but-not-really stealing Tonks' look." Randa rolled her eyes. "And why does she insist on ending paragraphs with commas? I just don't get it."

**"Anyone here called Remus Lupin?" Moony made his way over,**

**"I am" she looks at him, "It's a girl" Lupin looks at her, "Your my daughter?" she looks him up and down, "If your Remus Lupin" when he nods she continues, "Than I'm your daughter" Lupin smiles, "Come on in" he bring her things in,**

"And just like that, she's integrated herself into the story with no problem whatsoever." Randa rolled her eyes again and looked at Rina, who was still huddled against the wall, her face buried in her knees.

"It hurts. It hurts so much, just make it stop," Rina whispered, clutching at her face.

Randa stroked her hair. "I know, baby, I know it does. It'll be fine, promise." She winced, bracing herself for the horrors yet to come.

**"These two are my best friends James Potter, and Sirius Black, this is Sirius's wife Destiny their son Sirius Jr, this is James' son Harry and his two friends Ron and Hermione, guys this is…" he trails off "Sorry they never told me your name" they look at the pink hair girl,**

"I'm just gonna introduce you to my two best friends- d'oh! Sorry, kid, I have no idea what your name is. I hope this won't affect our father-daughter relationship in any way," Randa said in a goofy voice. Rina actually cracked a small smile, though it was quickly wiped away with the next bout of fic.

**"Sorry my name is Sevlow Lawless Lupin"**

Rina's scream of incoherent rage was luckily muffled by Randa's shoulder.

"Why?" she demanded after her initial explosion had passed. "Why do they all have to have such Speshul names?!"

**Few hours later they called her for dinner. She came down dressed in black shorts, purple t-shirt purple hair and eyes. She sat by Harry. When everyone was seated they started to eat,**

Due to the complete lack of description, the sudden time jump didn't affect either agent in the slightest, and it pissed Rina off to no end. The fic was so warped that the Word World couldn't figure out what was happening, and had done the story equivalent of rolling over and dying.

Admittedly, though, both agents were a little impressed with the hair-and-eyeball outfit.

**"How do you do that?" she looks at Ron, "Do what?" he waves his chicken leg towards her, she scowls at him for it, "your looks" she waves a hand, "I could do that all my life. I can change my looks, talk to all kind of animals. I don't turn into a werewolf but I can smell, hear, and see better. But no werewolf even through my name is wolves spelt backwards. I change into anything from the cat family" Ron had a confused look on his face she let a sigh out,**

It was a very good thing there were no trees to be seen, because Rina was itching to punch something until her knuckles bled.

"Fucking Sdrawkcab Names!"

**"I can change into a house cat, any kind of tigers, black panther, loin, cougar, cheetah, as long as it's a cat related I can change into it"**

"Why?" Rina looked absolutely murderous. "First she's a Metamorphmagus, then she's got super-human senses for no canonical reason, and now she's a fucking _cat girl?!_"

Randa, however, was too busy cracking up to respond.

"_This isn't funny!_" Rina snarled.

"Yes, it is! Read the Words more closely!" Randa was literally holding her sides and wheezing with laughter. "It says she can change into any kind of _loin!_"

Rina blinked, squinted at the Words, and promptly dissolved into laughter as well.

"Loins!" she gasped, wiping away tears that were quickly forming at the corners of her eyes.

**"I see" after dinner Harry said by to his friends. Sevlow disappeared after dinner. Harry went outside and sat on the porch, they lived by his mother's sister who hated them but was afraid of his dad so they put up with them. But when it was just him they treated him like crap. **

At the mention of Number Four, a second house, this one much more defined than the first, appeared on the street.

"Wow, points for actually including a glimmer of canon," Randa said, but Rina shook her head.

"No. No points, because if she's going to stomp all over canon, she's not gonna redeem herself by throwing in a random bit to say 'See? I know what I'm doing!'" She harumphed and crossed her arms, glaring at the Words and furiously plotting the best way to kill the Sue. "Time shift incoming."

**Next day Harry was sitting at the table when his dad told him and Sevlow that they were going to have to go to the Dursely's.**

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the tense and random scene changes," Rina said after steadying herself. "This lack of being violently tossed about is making me nervous. And why do they have to go to the Dursleys'? Why do they live next door to them and not in, oh, say, Godric's Hollow? None of this makes any sense!"

"What, you're not gonna charge for the pluralpostrophe?" Randa asked. Rina sighed and motioned for her to write it down.

**Harry groans, "What's wrong with them?" James looks at his son, "nothing" James walks out, Sevlow turns to him, "Well, what is really wrong with them?" so Harry tells her, "So they don't like freaky stuff. Well I better go and change" when she came down she was dressed in white shorts, orange t-shirt orange hair and eyes.**

"She's still dressed in hair and eyes_,_ Randa, look at her!"

**"Merlin's beard Sevlow please change your hair and eye color" she looks like she was going to say no but shrugged, "Only because your cute and asked so nice" before their eyes her hair went to blonde her eyes greener than Harry's. **

Rina was shaking her head, her mouth hanging open slightly. "This has to be a troll," she said faintly. "If not, I don't wanna live on this planet anymore."

"Technically-"

"Shaddap."

**"How's that?" James nods, "Better thanks" they started for the door but Sevlow stops, "Mr. Potter if they start anything I'm going to finish it" James only sighs.**

As did Rina and Randa.

"Nothing makes sense anymore," Rina muttered darkly.

Randa patted her on the arm. "It's all gonna be okay, sweetie. Just focus on the end when you get to kill the Sue."

Rina gave a weak smile, then suddenly sat up.

"Randa, where's my crowbar?!" She frantically reached around, patting at her belt in a vain attempt to locate her weapon.

Randa grabbed her arm and pulled her back out of the Sue's sight. "It's back in the RC," she whispered. "It didn't come with us on that mission with Robin Hood or whatever the hell her name was, remember?"

Rina sank back against the wall. "Can't believe I forgot my crowbar." She scowled and looked for some grass to shred, but there was nothing to see but blank white lawn.

**After James left Harry and Sevlow was pushed outside. **

"It's the Mysterious Force!" Randa said, waggling her fingers.

**Harry told her how he dated Ron's sister than found her cheating on him with other guys.**

Rina made a violent gesture. "Ginny would never- Nngh!"

**"So you're single now?" "Yeah and my cousin doesn't* let me forget it" just than his cousin Dudley and his gang came up, "So freak I see you got yourself a girlfriend" before Harry could said anything Sevlow made a girly sound standing up,**

"Ooh, some action?" Randa shook Rina's shoulder to get her attention, and they peered around the corner to watch the confrontation.

"Wait," Rina said, her brow furrowed, "when did they get in the middle of the street? And why were they sitting in the middle of said street?"

Randa shrugged.

**"Wow! Honey I didn't know that you guys have whales that could walk, talk and live without water" she looks at Harry with amazement, "The USA is not even close to this" she looks at Dudley again and her face fell with disappointment, "oh never mind honey it's only a fat kid dressed up"**

Rina stared. "Is that supposed to be her idea of a scathing insult?"

**Dudley lunged at her grabbing her arms, **

"Apparently it worked."

**she purred,**

**"Don't want to make me mad" she let her eyes changed into red cat eyes, he let go and backed up away from her.**

Both agents' faces fell with disappointment.

"We didn't even get to see a poorly-written fight," Randa complained.

**She sat back down. **

In the middle of the street.

**Just than a stray dog ran up to her, it looked like it was speaking to her. She stood up, "What" she turns to Harry, "Call my dad, Sirius and your dad is in trouble. They walked into a trap. Tell dad be careful there's sliver everywhere"**

That was when Rina exploded. "SCREW THE CHARGE LIST!" She leaped up only to fall flat on her face. Randa had lunged and wrapped her arms around Rina's legs, preventing her from running off.

"Calm down!" Randa hissed, dragging Rina back under cover. It was a good thing the Sue was already off to another part of her story.

**"Go now" she transformed into a cheetah running off. She made it within seconds she looks into a small broken window to see James and Sirius tied up, their faces looked better.**

"I don't wanna!" Rina cried, clawing at the ground, trying to get to the Sue. "Randa, I can't deal with this, she's gotta die!"

"She's a _cheetah_, for God's sake! You're not Tarzan! If you go out there, you're gonna get _eaten_ by a _Sue!_"

Rina slumped, allowing herself to be dragged back into hiding. Tears and dirt streaked her face.

Randa hugged Rina close, rocking her not unlike a baby and scanning the Words for more charges.

What happened next, neither agent could be quite sure. As best as they could tell from the Words, James and Sirius were tied up in a warehouse or shed of some sort and were being tortured by Generic Goons before Sevlow, in black panther form, broke in, mauled one of the goons and **bears her teeth at **another **he passes out** before jumping behind some boxes. **The guy came over looks behind the boxes,**

"**Not here, just a dumb house cat"**

Before **Luke a huge guy come back out. **The leader, who might or might not have been named Luke, demanded to know where Harry was. That was when **Luke puts his gun to his partners head, "Drop the gun" when it was dropped Luke got rope and tied him up, turns to the two beaten guy's**

Luke then turned into a housecat when an indeterminate number of police cars went screaming by the bewildered agents.

Rina just gave a strangled sort of moan. "So now either this Luke guy is Catman, or the Sue can shapeshift to look like Luke. Did she incapacitate him when he (if it was he) went to look for a flippin' panther behind the boxes? What just happened?!"

Randa, at a loss for explanations, decided to portal them to the next chapter, where Sirius and James were in the hospital. How and when they'd gotten there weren't explained, not in a fashion that made any sense to her.

**Sevlow slinked away as a cat, when no one could see her she turned back into herself and made her way home where she showered and changed. After her shower she found a note from her dad saying to be ready a friend of his was going to pick her up. She put on a blue sundress bringing her tan out more she turned her eyes into a very light blue color her hair blonde more white than blonde with dark blue strips threw it.**

"Why does the narrative bother to focus so much on how pretty she is?" Randa muttered to herself. "I mean, if she's a Metamorphwhatsit, she can look however she wants, right?"

Rina nodded curtly.

Randa sighed. "So her beauty is just as superficial as her personality."

"It doesn't matter. Actually, it's because she's a Metamorphmagus that she gets so much description," Rina spat. "How else are we gonna know what she looks like every day?"

**They arrived at the hospital. They got to the right room. Instead of going in she sat down. **

The agents felt the now all-too-familiar lurch before they were whisked away to the next scene. To their horror, the story dumped them in another Generic Space, right in front of the Sue, who stared at them.

"Who are you" she asked,

Rina, thinking fast, stood and struck a pose. "I'm Mirg, Sirius' illegitimate daughter. My name is Grim spelled backwards. And my friend and I were looking for _you_, Sevlow!"

Sevlow frowned, *this wasn't in the story* but she listened anyway, *could be interesting*,

"You have been charged with multiple offenses against the Harry Potter canon, including but not limited to massive timeline changes and warping the characters of Harry, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, and the Dursleys, being the uncanonical daughter of two canon characters, being a Metamorphmagus and a cat girl/not-werewolf to boot, having a stupid name, wearing clothes made of hair and eyeballs, and making absolutely no sense whatsoever." Rina struck the Sue across the face, sending her sprawling.

The Sue, now realizing these girls weren't here to be friends, growled and shapeshifted into a giant [CENSORED].

"OH SWEET JESUS!" Randa cried, shielding her eyes.

"So that's what a Sue looks like when she turns into a... thing," Rina said, her face pale. She kicked the Loin!Sue, who hit the far wall and exploded in a splatter of glittery blood.

The Generic Setting went black, the ground shuddering as the story began to collapse.

"OPEN A PORTAL!" Rina screamed. Randa was already on it.

The girls tumbled through as the story collapsed behind them, forcing the portal shut. They lay on the floor of the RC, trembling.

"Never," Randa said after a long time, her voice shaking, "are we _ever_ doing a mission like that again."

Rina could only nod.


	5. When Stus Stalk Sues

_The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. _Harry Potter _belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling, and _Soulmates_ belongs to S.P. Tripathi and she can keep it. All other fandoms mentioned belong to their respective owners. Agent Rina belongs to me, and Agent Randa belongs to my friend, who has graciously agreed to let me use her as a partner. Special thanks to Darkotas, TheShyIon, and Storme Hawk for being my Betas. And, of course, there is some foul language from the agents._

_TW: One character acts like an abusive stalker, and an assassination gets a little graphic._

* * *

><p>Rina strolled into RC 3-Apple-14, sporting a brand-new denim jacket and beaming.<p>

"Randa!" she called. "Randa, I got a new jacket and you won't believe..." Rina trailed off when she noticed her friend slowly beating her head against the console. "Uh, Randa?"

"We just got a new assignment," Randa said, lifting her head and brushing her hair out of her face. Rina noticed there was a red mark on her forehead.

"Is it another fifth Marauder?" Rina asked warily. "Because I don't want to be tempted to down any Bleeprin."

Randa just gestured dumbly at the screen. Rina bent closer to read it, shooing Mcgonagoll off the buttons as she did so. Randa must have been upset to have not noticed the mini.

**People says that love is the greatest emotion of all. That it has a greater pull that no one can denies it. I thought it was some kind of blasphemy. Until one day, when my life turned upside down.**

"Seriously?" Rina rolled her eyes. "Well, if the summary is this cliché, the rest of it will probably be just as bad." She ran her fingers through her hair. "It reads kinda like a _Twilight _fanfic summary. Thank Rowling it's in the Potterverse."

Randa just moaned.

_At least she stopped trying to smash her head, _Rina thought, pulling a (new, tree-gunk free) recurve bow from her interior pocket and mounting it on the wall.

That got Randa's attention. "How-?"

"It's from the Whoniverse," Rina said, grinning widely. "The pockets are bigger on the inside. The Doctor won't know one thing's gone missing from the TARDIS' wardrobe, will he? Besides, I left Whatshername's impervious cloak behind as a trade."

"What else do you have in there?" Randa asked, coming over to look. Rina shrugged out of her jacket and handed it to Randa, who promptly began emptying its contents all over the floor.

She finally produced several canon sources, including _Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Ranger's Apprentice, Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, Big Bang Theory, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic _and _Twilight_ ("In case we get a crossover!" Rina said defensively when Randa held up an incriminating copy of _Breaking Dawn_), a very battered stuffed Dalmatian, a Tupperware container full of _lembas_, bottles of water, a giant umbrella, several lengths of rope, a cigarette lighter, a roll of duct tape_, _flashlights and batteries, a deck of cards, a travel chess set, a sack of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, several notebooks, a box of green pens, two pairs of sunglasses, two remote activators, two neuralyzers, two Canon Analysis Devices, a D.O.R.K.S., and-

"Bleeprin?" Randa asked, holding up the little bottle. "Why?"

"It's not for me, stupid," Rina said, gathering up her stuff and dumping it back in her pockets. She left out one of the pairs of sunglasses, a remote activator, a neuralyzer and a CAD for Randa. The DoSAT hadn't been pleased when she'd shown up needing replacements for everything.

"I guess I should hold onto this, then?" Randa asked, shaking the bottle and making the pills rattle.

Rina grunted affirmation.

Randa put the bottle and gadgets in her own pockets and started on opening a portal. "The fic report says it takes place during sixth year and our target's in Gryffindor."

"Generic Gryffindor it is, then!" Rina cracked her knuckles impatiently.

Randa stepped back from the console and gave a dramatic flourish at the portal. "After you, m'dear."

The girls stepped through into the badfic, blinking when they emerged in a featureless black void.

"What's going on?" Randa asked. Rina shrugged.

**Author's Note: Hello again, guys! So, here I am… back to this…. "Site!" This is another story called '**_**Soulmates**__'_** that is now here laid (Or presented?) in front of you all.**

"Oh great. It's an Author's Note." Rina scanned the Words. "And a really long one, too. Classy."

"But didn't your badfic-?"

"Please stop talking."

The agents sat down, listening to the booming disembodied voice echoing around them. It was very boring, until...

**In this story, nobody is dead. You can still count on Harry's Godfather - Sirius Black and the most famous Wizards of all time - Albus Dumbledore.**

"Great. Just Great." Randa glanced at Rina. "Does this mean we need to take out Sirius and _two _Dumbledores?"

Rina shrugged again. "I guess we'll have to wait and see."

After listening to the voice drone about how the story was **not Beta-**_** ing**__, _both girls decided they'd had enough and portaled to the end of the note, but the blackness remained. Suddenly, a projector screen dropped down from what seemed like nothingness.

"Randa, why aren't we in the chapter already?" Rina asked, staring at the screen.

Randa smacked the remote activator with the flat of her hand. "I dunno, but it's probably for the best. The first bit is the Sue in Dumbledore's office... and she's getting her wand."

"...What year did you say this was?"

"Sixth."

"...why. Just... why."

**I looked down on the table in front of me, my eyes coming to rest at a wooden stick, which has been placed in front of me, and stared at it blankly. Which, in return, stare up at me innocently.**

"Charge for detachable eyeballs and a wand with eyes," Rina said, making a face.

Other than some absolutely horrendous grammar, there wasn't much chargeworthy stuff until the narrative got around to describing Dumbledore's **white silvery beard handing gracefully down in front of his grey colored robe.**

"JESUS CHRIST!" Randa shrieked, jerking away from the screen. Dumbledore's wilver beard had actually sprouted several tiny, writhing hands, all of them clutching at his robes.

"There's just so much wrongness right there," Rina said, her eyes shut against the blinding wilver.

The Sue, who still had yet to be named, and Dumbledore spoke cryptically of some tragedy in the Sue's recent past, even going so far as to state "**Time is the only medicine which can heal all of your deepest wounds**."

"Holy cliché overload!" Rina yelled.

Randa glanced at her. "Was the shouting really necessary?" she demanded.

Rina grinned unabashedly. "I never get to yell whenever I want on missions, Randa. Lemme have a bit of fun!"

"Rina, you yell all the time on missions anyway," Randa said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, I'm supposed to be the snarky one!" Rina objected.

Meanwhile, the Sue was valiantly fighting back tears and Dumbledore offered her sweets. The Sue ate them and almost immediately felt _**'Angst-Free'**_.

Both agents fell over themselves in a fit of giggling.

"That's gonna last all of zero seconds," Randa said, sniggering.

**"Thank you, Professor Dumbledore." I whispered softly, whole kindheartedly. He smiled down at me as his startlingly blue eyes glinted in mirth.**

**"Why, you're welcome, Ms. Flamel." He murmured with another bow in front of me. I giggled lightly.**

"Well goddammit." Rina rubbed her eyes. "How much do you wanna bet she's Nicolas and Perenelle's daughter?"

"I'm not taking that bet," Randa said dryly. "We both know how these Sues work." She peered at the screen. "Christ, what is Dumbledore doing?"

**His fingers were interlocked. Yet still they were slightly touching the tips of each as his eyes piercingly stared at me from the top of them.**

"Things only possible in badfics." Rina watched in horror as the Sue made to leave Dumbledore's office, listening to **the portrait of the founders of the Hogwarts, that is, Salazar Slytherin, Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw who begin whispering under their breath as they watched me leave.**

**"**_**She is soo pretty!" s**_**aid a hushed whisper of a woman as I walked passed her portrait.**

_**"No! She is beautiful! Inside and out!" **_**The same voice gushed again; which I reckon' is - no doubt - Helga Hufflepuff. **_**Go figure.**_

"Please kill me," Rina said in disgust. "Not only is there now a portrait of the Founders, but they can't help but be in awe of her!"

_**"Oh! But, look at that face! Soo sad and miserable. I hope she will overcome her fears and sadness and be cheerful again." **_**said a sympathetic tone of women, Rowena Ravenclaw.**

**I speed up in a haste to be out of the headmaster room as soon as possible.**

"How long does it take to walk out of Dumbledore's office?" Randa asked, tilting her head inquisitively. On-screen, the Sue was actually walking in dramatic slow motion as the Word World tried to correlate the length of the Founders' conversation with the time it should have taken the Sue to leave.

_**"Of course, she will be! She is in Gryffindor, for Merlin's sake!" **_**said a good nature voice, which I guess, My house founder- Godric Gryffindor.**

"Dear Rowling, even the Founders are in awe of her! And Merlin came after the Founders- he was a Slytherin! They have no reason to be invoking him!" Rina made a violent gesture. Randa was too busy hastily opening a portal for the minis house and founder to pay attention.

_**"Oh! Just shut up, you two!" **_**said the cold, irritated voice that I believe belongs to the Salazar Slytherin.**

"Though I doubt Slytherin would say 'shut up', I have to agree with him." Rina stood and stretched. "One more charge for the cliché of Dumbledore saying** "Oh, and Ms. Flamel? Welcome to Hogwarts!"**, and I think we're done here."

"Good. I was getting bored." Randa opened another portal, skipping past another ridiculously long Author's Note and into the **students filled with crowded corridors**. Thankfully, the Words didn't interpret _that_ particular statement literally. It wouldn't have been pleasant.

The agents merged with the crowd, pushing shadowy figures aside so they could keep up with the Sue. Oddly enough, the crowd began to thin when the Sue started angsting about not having any friends. Rina and Randa were forced to wait around the corner when the Sue reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

**"Password?"**

**The fat lady asked me for the password. I looked down and I felt my eyes widening in horror as something dwell on me.**

"Uh, paging the Department of Redundancy Department? And also, what?" Rina shook her head. "This is starting to remind me of our last mission..."

"Well, let's just hope Ms. Flamel doesn't turn into a loin like the last one." Randa was distracted from sending the notice, that is, the message to the DRD when she was forced to shoo fat lady through a portal to the HFA. "I still hate these minis. Why did they have to be spiders?"

"Stop complaining. They could have been mini-Basilisks."

**Suddenly, I heard loud ruckus from behind me and turned to see two boys walking towards us. One look at their clothes and I could bet sick sickles on the Merlin's pants that they are too from Gryffindor house.**

"Okay, having an unbeta'd story is one thing," Randa began, "but this is just horrible! Why does this story exist?"

Rina shushed her and inched closer so she could listen in.

The boys' shadowy forms eventually morphed to reveal that they were Neville Longbottom and Dean Thomas, who were deeply engrossed in a conversation about Quidditch. Apparently, the match they were discussing had ended in a score of **Sixty to fifty-four.**

Rina tore at her hair. "There would have to have been one team with at least a hundred and fifty points! And fifty-four? How does that even happen? Points are scored in increments of ten! How do you even-?"

Randa elbowed Rina to get her to shut up.

After a while, the Fat Lady got irritated by the boys discussing Quidditch and yelled at them to give her the password, which turned out to be _**Chocolate frogs**_.

"How original." Rina stepped out of the chocolate, ribbiting spider's way so Randa could get rid of it.

**The portrait swung forward to admit us. They both went in before me, not noticing me yet.**

Even though the Sue had been standing by the portrait like a lump of clay until that point.

Rina and Randa facepalmed simultaneously.

As the Sue made to climb through the portrait hole, she noticed her bookbag was about to split open and went to zip it shut, even though she was blocking the entrance to the tower.

**Which, I guess, was a very bad thing to do.**

**Because I didn't notice or nor did I care to watch for the boy, who was currently walking straight at me towards me, all at the same time. We both crashed against each other and loose our balance.**

"I'll take Contrived Coincidences for three hundred, please," Randa said, facepalming again.

**I distinctly heard another sound of "Oomph!" of surprise as that person too, was going to fall on the ground like me.**

_**Oh! Merlin! If you're listening, then please knock me unconscious when I hit my head. As there's no way in bloody hell am I going to face the embarrassing situation that I'm soo sure is about to come.**_

"So..." Rina watched with mild amusement as the Sue and her shadowy companion fell in slow-motion (the Word World trying to correlate her inner monologue with the action taking place), "she'd rather be knocked out than be a little embarrassed by running into someone? As Movie!Ron once said, 'she _needs_ to sort out her priorities.'"

**I felt a pair of warm yet strong, sturdy arms were circled around my waist, holding me up. Feeling utterly breathless, I cracked one eye opened to find a pair of eyes staring down at me, amused.**

**And not just**_** any**_** pair of eyes.**

**Shockingly emerald green colored eyes.**

"_His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad, his hair is as dark as a blackboard, I wish he was mine, he's really divine, the hero who conquered the Dark Lord!_" Rina sang quietly. There was a soft sigh around them as the canon recognized its own words, though it unfortunately didn't do anything to change back Harry's eyes, which had turned into literal emeralds. If Rina hadn't been in such a good mood, she would have sworn the Word World was being stupid on purpose.

Randa gave her a Dumbledore clap. "Bravo, Rina. But I think we've just been introduced to the Lust Object."

"He's _Harry Freakin' Potter-_"

"Not the time for AVPS, girl. You're awfully cheery today." Randa frowned at her. "Are you feeling all righty-right?"

Rina shrugged. "I don't know why, but this one amuses me. It's just so... hilariously bad. It's terribad. But not like _Sevlow_ was, you know? I just think this fic is almost 'so bad, it's good'. I mean, seriously! **He was an angel. I decided as I stared at him. Because he looked like one. **You just can't find that not funny!"

Indeed, the Sue went on to describe Harry as having **disheveled jet-black hair that stood at an odd angle on the crown of his head.**

But then she described his **crook smirk, which were gracing his lips **and Rina's attitude did a complete one-eighty.

"Is she... saying he has the Sparklepire's trademark smirk?" she asked faintly.

"Woah there, let's not jump to conclusions," Randa said, though she, too, looked concerned.

**He truly looked like one.**

**Well, aside from the irony that "Angel" is practically my name.**

"Christ in a sidecar, her name is Angel-something Flamel." Randa spread her hands. "It's almost like there's a list she's working from. Trajek Backstory? Check. Daughter of canon characters? Check, maybe. Speshul name? Check."

"Edwardifying Harry, check," Rina said sourly. As she spoke, Harry **raised his perfect brow down at me and I slowly got aware that I was ogling him.**

Harry still had his arms wrapped around the Sue, neither of them saying anything for several uncomfortably long moments.

"Why are they just standing there?" Randa asked.

Rina scanned the Words. "Oh. Oh boy. She's got another inner monologue going. It's all about how perfect and handsome Harry is, of course."

With her inner monologue finally complete, the Sue muttered a breathy thank-you and took her bag from Harry, who had somehow ended up carrying it. As she reached out, their **hands brushed against each other briefly.**

"Do we get an 'electric current' between them?" Rina asked, half-hopeful and half-anxious.

**For a second, I felt my heart stopped beating and cave inside. My stomach twisted and churned horribly as if I might puke all the contents of my stomach, right then and there. My head swayed and spun uncontrollably as if I had been on a roller coaster ride. I greedily gasped in the air to bring some oxygen in and down my respiratory system.**

"This... is starting to sound like _Twilight, Harry Potter_ style." Randa shifted uncomfortably. "With Angel being the clumsy yet oddly alluring new girl and Harry being the-"

"I get it," Rina snapped, leaning back against the wall and folding her arms. She briefly considered beating her head against it, but decided not to.

**"No problem."**

**My eyes snapped up and once again met his smiling ones.**

_**Oh Bloody Hell! **_**I thought as the nerves started to kick in. **_**Even his voice sounded as beautiful as him.**_

Rina and Randa looked at one another in horror.

"That did not sound like Harry's voice," Rina said, swallowing.

"So that's a Sue and a replacement Harry on our hands?"

"Looks like it." Rina cocked her head. "Hang on, I hear more potential replacements coming."

[T]**here was a low murmurs of protest sounded from behind him. Which gets louder and louder as the source's closes upon us.**

**"But, it's **_**not**_**! Ron!" Said a shrill voice that sounded angry for some reason.**

**"Oh! Hermione! Don't deny it that you didn't find it hilarious?!" The voice let an amused snickered as they neared us.**

"It's just Ron and Hermione fighting, what's the problem?" Randa asked. Rina pulled her behind a nearby statue, silencing her with a look.

**"Ron! **_**You**_** are...Oh! There you are, Harry!" The shrill voice called out for the boy, sounding relieved. The said boy turned around and behind him to look at the person. Curious, I too, lean to the side to see a wise looking girl with her ginger hair that fell down past her shoulder angrily marched up to him and pointed her finger back at the redhead boy, who emerged in my front of eyes sight, wearing that amused yet cocky smirk on his face with his hands stuffed deep in his pant pockets.**

"Ron's acting like an asshole, Hermione seems to have reverted to her first year personality, and she's now a ginger," Rina whispered, peering around the statue and glaring at the characters.

**"Tell him it's unfair to torture a first year, just for the fun's sake! Tell this git!" The girl spat as she glowered at the redhead boy, flustered to the boot. Who only looked back at her with a grin on his face.**

Rina ducked back behind the statue and grabbed Randa by the shoulders. "She's made him into _Ron the Death Eater!_" she hissed. "The real Ron and Harry have probably been stuck in plotholes for Rowling knows how long, and these monsters are cavorting-"

"Cavorting, Rina? Really?" Randa shook Rina off and peered around the statue to see the replacements for herself.

**"He gives Fred and George new **_**Blasting Books**_**to the first years to see if they worked!"** Hermione said shrilly.

"Rina, Hermione's just overreacting again," Randa said, glancing over her shoulder at her fuming partner. "Ron hasn't been replaced- yet."

"I still stay by my Ron the Death Eater theory," Rina said obstinately, though she rejoined Randa in watching the scene.

Ginger!Hermione gave Ron a fairly in-character speech about how Prefects need to set an example, though it culminating in her tearing at her hair and screeching his full name (which was surprisingly enough spelled correctly).

The Sue **watched them bicker at each other in silence. **

Almostimmediately, Hermione and Ron fell silent, though their mouths kept moving. Rina groaned when Hermione turned to Harry for help, actually stomping her foot when he was slow to respond.

"Yeeeeah, Hermione's regressed to the emotional level of a toddler," Randa said quietly. "Combine that with the ginger hair, d'you think we have a replacement on our hands with her, too?"

Rina plunged her arm into her pocket and, after a minute of rummaging, came up with her CAD. "Let's find out."

She gritted her teeth and pointed it at the characters.

[Hermione Granger. Human female. Canon. 48.67% OOC. Is that really what her hair looks like from the back?]

[Ronald Weasley. Human male. Canon. 64% OOC, bloody hell!]

And then Rina made the mistake of pointing it at Harry.

[Harry Potter. Human male. canon/noncanon/canon/noncanon PLEASE INSERT CANON AND REBOOT 999999-]

The screen went blank.

"...well, at least it didn't evaporate," Rina sighed, dropping the CAD back in her pocket. After several seconds, there was a thud as it landed in the pocket dimension.

"I feel like there's a pun to be made here," Randa said. "And a lampshade needs to be hung."

"I'll remember to pack one when we get back."

**"You two!" **Hermione** pointed her finger accusingly at both of them simultaneously before she flipped them birds. "Just SOD off!" she yelled in her shrill voice before she turned swiftly on her spot and stalked off to the way I have come earlier.**

**"Hermione!"**

**"C'mon! 'ione!"**

**"You stupid **_**effing**_** prats! Leave me ALONE!"**

"CAD blew up again," Rina said, peering into her pocket. "The DoSAT is gonna be _pissed_. Did we get a perfect four-fer-four? Last mission doesn't count since we didn't bring them along," she added quickly. Randa pulled a twisted lump of plastic out of her own pocket and sighed.

"That's Harry and Hermione gone, and we're only in the second chapter," Randa said, dumping her ruined CAD in Rina's pocket. "How much longer do you think Ron has?"

"I give it until next chapter at best," Rina said, scowling after Bitch!Hermione, who was being chased by Ron and Angelic!Harry.

The Sue still stood there, pondering what to do next when Angelic!Harry **backpedal**[ed] **at that end of the corridor before it turned to face me properly.**

"Dramatic Looks were had by all," Randa whispered. Rina stifled a giggle.

**Shocked, I stared at him stupidly as I watched him tilted his head to his right before raising his arms to cross them across his chest and studying me carefully.**

"That's not the only thing she's been doing stupidly," Rina muttered. "Dammit, Harry, stop being weird!"

"Hey, Rina, I can't believe I haven't noticed, but the random tense changes aren't affecting us," Randa said, frowning worriedly. Rina waved a dismissive hand.

"Probably because they're happening every sentence," she said. "The world can't be bothered trying to keep track anymore."

Randa frowned. "Still, it seems like something oughta be happening…"

**The rhythms of my hearts were pacing at its galloping paces, leaving me gasping greedily for the need of air. I could almost feel that slight, but steady tremors of my hands, the chill of shiver that ran down my spine. My mind was screaming for me to turn around. The need for bolting was nearly overwhelming.**

"Okay, first of all, DRD again. Second, two hearts is a Time Lord thing," Rina said, pounding her fist against the statue. "And third, this chick has the biggest case of Social Anxiety Disorder I've ever seen."

"Because you're so qualified to diagnose that stuff."

"Oh good God, get a load of this."

**Because the intensity of his gaze behind those rimmed glasses were holding me in prison, never letting me to look away.**

"Isn't 'the intensity of his gaze' straight out of _Twilight_?" Rina asked. Her lip curled.

"You have the books in your pockets, why don't you look?"

"Randa, I'm not reading that dreck again unless I have to."

"But didn't you use to be a Twitard-?"

"_Shut. Up._" Rina jabbed a finger at Randa. "I'm putting that topic off-limits. And the fact that I used to be a Suethor. _Okay?_"

Randa held up her hands in surrender. "Fine, okay, I'm sorry!"

**There he still stands, far ahead of me at that end of the corridor and still flashing me his smile. Before he slightly shook his head at me and then…**

**He was gone.**

**Vanished!**

**Just like that…**

"Bruh, wait, what just happened?!" Randa cried quietly. "I thought you can't Apparate inside of Hogwarts!"

"Well..." Rina did a quick scan of the Words. "It doesn't say he Apparated, but that doesn't mean we can rule it out. Either way, I'm charging for spontaneous vanishment for no logical reason."

_**I'm still safe.**_** I thought in relief. **_**He doesn't suspect me now for anything.**_

_**Yet! **_**I added after a second thought. **_**But still ... I'm safe. Well, for now, at least.**_

"Oh my God, how much more cliché can you get?" Rina beat her head against the statue when the Fat Lady told the Sue who Harry was.

**I furrowed my brows in confusion for a minute before something dawned on me.**

**"Oh! You mean- Voldemort!" I remember grandma telling me all those stories about a boy whose parents sacrificed to save their son from the psychic killer/ mob boss/Voldy-moldy.**

"Extra charges for being an idiot and calling the most evil wizard of our time 'Voldy-moldy." Randa said. "I wonder if we could give the Sue to him as a present..."

"Nuh-uh. She'd end up defeating him with the power of friendship or something, and not in the good _My Little Pony_ way."

**I always wondered how this boy, whose parents died looks like. Grandma always told me that he is just as young as me and just like his parents. Kind, considerate and great person.**

"Who the hell is her grandmother?!"

The Sue stood in front of a frozen Fat Lady, angsting about her lost family and mysterious past. Suddenly, the Fat Lady **yelped loudly and jumped up to hide behind her chair**, admonishing the Sue for saying Voldemort's name.

**My only response was to roll my eyes at her and head inside the portrait and up the staircase of my girls dorm.**

"Bitch," Rina muttered.

"There's a scene change next," Randa said, opening another portal.

The Sue **marched down the corridor, gently maneuvering **her** way in between the crowded corridor**.

Rina and Randa were forced to move as the Sue plowed through the bit characters, shoving them aside as she made her way to the Great Hall.

**But when I entered, I thought I had died and gone to heaven in a Heartbeat.**

**Because, the vision that my eyes behold, for the first timers like me, was ... beautiful. Exquisite. Alluring. Pretty. Splendid. Superb. Wonderful. Dreamy.**

"You can almost hear her thesaurus crying," Randa said with a wince.

_**Oh! Come of it, Angel. Now, who is the walking sodding**__**thesaurus?**_** My mind scoffed at my ... uh….. **_**Brilliant**_** vocabulary.**

"Sorry, but you're not gaining any points with that display of narcissism," Rina snarled.

"Wait," Randa said, frowning. "Earlier, she said her name was _practically _'angel', right? But now she says it _is _Angel?"

"Hooray for consistency!"

Rina and Randa slid into seats at the Gryffindor table, still keeping an eye on the Sue. Professor Dumbledore got another bit of description, though it wasn't nearly as bad as his first appearance. But then…

**"Welcome to Hogwarts, my dear friends!"**

**Dumbledore stretching his arms wide open as if to embrace the entire hall. He continues,"Another year brought another golden opportunity for teaching magic in Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry to our fellow Hogwardians! I know most of you must be starving by this point," He turned to look at our table and winked at** Ron.

"Hogwardians?" Randa asked blankly, but Rina was distracted by other things.

"Wait wait wait," she said, holding up her hands for a time-out, "weren't we just up by Gryffindor Tower? So then why is it now time for the feast? The students always eat before going to their dorms on the first day!"

Randa scribbled the charge in her notepad. "I guess the Sue didn't pay attention to that part of the books."

"At this point, I'm starting to question if she even read the books," Rina muttered, crossing her arms.

Randa shrugged and sent Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry to the HFA. "Holy shizniz, that's a lot of minis…"

Dumbledore gave a Generic Welcoming Speech, which caused [t]**he Great Hall **to erupt** in a round of applause with the deafening roaring laughter echoing and bouncing back from the walls, nearly destroying our delicate eardrums as the Headmaster sat down.**

"Oww," Randa said, her hands clapped over her ears.

"Not cool," Rina moaned, covering her own ears. "Thank Rowling she didn't say it happened literally."

Meanwhile, poor Dumbledore was stuck on 'repeat' leaping up from his seat and sitting back down.

"Deja vu, much?" Rina said. "It's like Ordellya all over again. Stupid Sues can't remember to make him stand up for his speeches."

**I turned around in my seat and nearly had my eyes popping out of my eye sockets when they watched as how the silver plates, the empty Goblets, the bowls and the platters magically filled up with different types of cuisines, **

Rina and Randa both reached for the Generic Food at the same time…

**deserts,**

...only to recoil when sand exploded over the tables, coating everything in a fine, gritty layer.

**beverages and fruits.**

Rina tried in vain to scrape the sand off her tongue. "Bleagh."

"Hey, at least (thbbbt) we weren't in a (yech) desert that she misspelled as (cough) _dessert_," Randa said, spitting out sand as she spoke. "Let's get out of here." She opened another portal and the girls moved to the next part of the chapter, tracking sand into Gryffindor Tower.

They hovered near the door to the dorm, miraculously not standing out to the Sue thanks to her having covered everyone else in sand at the feast. And, of course, Angelic!Harry was there, being brooding and mysterious.

**I felt my body-parts lock down, stiffing as my mind reminded that Oh-so-familiar voice.**

"That sounds so dirty," Randa said gleefully.

**"Hey! You again!" He let out a low, deep chuckle as his hands-on my shoulder gently pushed me away, just slightly so that there is comfortable space in between us. **

"She has a very odd definition of 'comfortable'," Rina muttered, sticking out her tongue as the Sue and Harry had a very stilted conversation. Finally, they parted and the Sue went up to her dorm.

**"Harry scary Potter." I whispered to nobody before burying my head behind my pillow.**

"Aaaand chapter title drop!" Randa held up her remote activator. "On to the next chapter?"

"Make sure you skip the note again," Rina said. "Seriously, they're so _long!_"

**The next day, I woke up to the sounds of hushed talking and the occasional passing of legs that went to and fro across my bed.**

Rina and Randa froze, realizing they were smack in the middle of the Sue's dorm. It was lucky the only awake inhabitants were shadowy figures on the Sue's bed.

Before they could be noticed, Rina grabbed Randa and dragged her under the bed where they lay, panting, to watch the scene.

The shadow people started yelling.

**"No! That's wrong!" An impatient voice shouted shrilly.**

**"Then, how do you oppose shall I do it? Dare I ask, Miss?" An angry voice retorted back to it. The other voice tsked in disbelief for a moment before I heard the sound of shuffling and then….**

**"OW!"**

"Oh, please tell me the new Hogwarts uniform doesn't involve corsets," Randa whispered, pulling out her notepad and scooting closer to the gap for a better look. Rina hauled her back.

"Careful, the Sue's gonna get up any second!" she hissed. "And Bitch!Hermione's probably in the dorm, too. We can't risk being seen!"

**"You Killed it!" someone hissed furiously, "You almost KILLED it, Vane!"**

**"Oh! Just quit it already!" Another voice clicked it's tongue before it spoke again, "Besides, you ought to thank me for coming at your aid."**

"I mean it, if we get corsets, I'll be having some serious words with the Sue."

"They're not gonna be wearing corsets, Randa, now shh!"

The Sue, finally showing a bit of normalcy, decided to investigate the commotion. The shadowy figures who had been arguing resolved themselves into (at least somewhat) properly-described characters.

**The two girls stood before my bedside, facing each other face to face and standing across from each other.**

"Department of Redundancy Department again," Randa muttered, sending them another short, brief memo.

**On my left stood a dark haired girl in her proper school uniform. I could definitely tell that she is pretty with her hair pulled up in a high tailed pony and light brown color eyes.**

**Well, it's not that I'm saying that the girl, who stood on my right, is any worse.**

**With her face etched up in a dirty scowl, her long blonde hair that cascading down her back with light blue eyes, stood in her half dressed up state.**

"Corset, corset, corset," Rina chanted, her fingers crossed. Randa awkwardly swatted at her.

**And by half dressed up state, I mean in her off white Oxford shirt with the Hogwarts logo, encrypted on the left side of her shirt with no tie in place, socks pulled half way up her ankle with no shoes in sight and skirts hanging loosely from her waist with narrow looking robe that suspiciously looks as if Belt, was peaking from underneath the shirt, which was barely covering her torso.**

Rina and Randa stared.

"This is just getting ridiculous," Rina moaned, letting her head hit the floor with a quiet _thud_.

Randa eyed the second girl's shirt curiously. "That Hogwarts crest looks like a circuit board," she said. "I guess that's what happens if you try to encrypt a shirt."

Rina scanned the Words. "I think we might have been able to skip this part, actually," she said. "Apparently that 'Belt which was peaking from underneath the shirt' is made of elastic and the first girl accidentally snapped it while helping the second put it on. At least, I think that's what happened. Then there's a lot of bitching from the bit character. I can't believe we wasted our time with this scene. Portal, please?"

Randa didn't have a whole lot of options as to where she could put the portal without the Sue noticing them, so she was forced to open it directly below the agents. They fell through to the next part, hitting the floor with a _whump_.

The agents scrambled to their feet and quickly sat at the Gryffindor table, which was now thankfully food-filled and sand-free. They helped themselves to some Generic Food, watching the doors for when the Sue came in.

**Low murmur reached my eardrums as I slowly make my way towards my new assign seats on the Gryffindor house table, last seat that was directly near to the entrance of the Great Hall. **

"Assigned seats? Bah," Rina mumbled around a mouthful of what could have been a muffin. She waved her fork disdainfully at the Sue. "Watch, I'll betcha she's gonna draw the attention of everyone in the Hall." She took another bite of whatever it was she was holding. "Man, the Cafeteria ain't got nothin' on this."

**But as I came in sight before the table, a strange hush silence follows as all of a sudden, to my bewilderment, low murmurings and talking in the hall gradually subside. Puzzled, my eyes flew up, but only to cringe slightly when I noticed every pair of curious and questioning, suspicious eyes looking directly at me, analyzing as to what a freak like me is doing so**_**effing**_** late at Hogwarts.**

"You don't need to look so smug, you know," Randa said, setting down her goblet and frowning at Rina.

"Sorry." Rina suddenly looked up; the bit characters had all frozen in place. "Oh great, she's having a flashback."

It was all supposed to be very sad and dramatic, with the Sue's parents reassuring her that she'd be all right and that they would never leave her.

**"But you did." I muttered to nobody as I took my seat and plopped down on it heavily. Feeling that once dull thudding of my heart, which is beating slowly inside my ribcage. Circulating agony of loss in the blood and sending it pulsing throughout my body as the pain spread evenly through my veins.**

"Oh, gag me with a spork," Rina said as the Great Hall began to take on an urplish tint.

Randa tapped Rina's shoulder and directed her attention to an approaching McGonagall. The Transfiguration teacher's description was surprisingly accurate.

McGonagall handed the Sue a piece of parchment.

**"Thank you… "I glance up at her shyly, contemplating whether to call her Ms. Or Ma'am, just like I know how I'd addressed teachers back at home when I was a kid before I settled for something else entirely, "…. Professor."**

"...seriously?" Rina dropped her fork and pushed her plate away. "Now McGonagall's gonna _love_ her because she happened to use the correct title, which isn't really that big a deal!"

Indeed, [l]**ike a sun breaking through the turmoil's of dark and depressing clouds, her lips curled up in a warm, sweet smile.**

"All the teachers at Hogwarts are called 'Professor'! Well, except Madam Hooch, but she mostly referees the Quidditch games anyway." Rina finished her mini-rant by jabbing her fork into her muffin. "And I don't even need the CAD to know that was weird for McGonagall."

Professor McGonagall said, "**Your welcome, Ms. Flamel**," before turning and **gliding** out of the Great Hall.

"Yeeeeah, gliding's really more of a Trelawney thing," Rina said, motioning for Randa to write it down.

_**How did she know my surname?**_** I asked myself as I turned to stare blankly at my plate before me, amazed.**

Randa set her notebook down and slowly brought her hand up to meet her face.

**All of a sudden, my muddled, confused yet amazed thoughts cleared as something dawned on me.**

_**Oh! Of course! **_**I mentally slap my forehead. **_**For heaven's sake, Angel! She is a Professor! It's bloody obvious she would know about you.**__**Use your common sense! **_**I scolded myself before I looked down to inspect my schedule.**

"This has got to be the dumbest Sue we've had yet," Rina said, shaking her head in dumbfounded amazement. "I bet we could just tell her to walk off a cliff and she'd do it."

"Hey, Rina?" Randa asked, scanning a schedule she stole from a shadowy bit character.

"Mmm?"

"Since when does Hogwarts have only three classes a day?"

Rina's eye twitched. "Say _what_." She grabbed the schedule from Randa and looked it over. Randa, meanwhile, opened a portal for a plant-looking mini named Venemous Tentacula and a golden mini named Amortrntia.

"This is bullshit," Rina growled, wadding up the parchment and reaching into her pocket. After a minute of digging, she managed to retrieve the lighter and set the parchment on fire.

"Come on," Randa said, tugging Rina's arm. "The Sue's heading to History of Magic next."

Rina reluctantly followed Randa through the portal to the History of Magic classroom, where they took seats near the back.

Professor Binns was hovering near the chalkboard, scrubbing away at it with a ghostly eraser. Rina dropped her head on her desk.

"Where'd Binns get that eraser?" she mumbled. "And why and how did he write anything on the board? All he ever does is lecture..."

The Sue came in and sat down, staring at Binns for a moment before launching into another inner monologue about how timid she was.

**"Good Morning, Professor!"**

Rina and Randa exchanged nervous looks when 'Harry scary Potter' and Ron suddenly appeared in the desks at the front.

**His emerald colored eyes were glinting in amusement, white shirt clad arms crossed smartly across his chest as Professor turned to blink at him as though coming out a trance. Ron was shaking his head at his best mate; slouch low in the chair as he continues to smirk at him lazily.**

"What with all this smirking going on, you'd think Malfoy would have sensed a disturbance in the Force," Randa whispered to Rina, who grinned.

The grin slid off her face when Professor Binns addressed Harry by his proper name. Even though it was lampshaded by Ron, Rina still tapped Randa's notepad.

Harry insisted Binns used his proper name because he looked like James, which was a load of hippogriff dung in the agents' opinions.

Ron did an odd head tilt before screaming **"Bloody Hell! " **seemingly for no reason.

**But it was then I realized that I was still staring at him shamelessly and openly. And obviously, Merlin has officially gone to a light nap.**

"The sky is blue. The grass is green. I like pants." Rina shook her head. "Where did that sentence come from?"

"Nowhere?" Randa suggested.

**Because before I could even cast my eyes down to hide the evidence that I've been looking or once again more like **_**ogling **_**him, his eyes snapped back to mine and captured mine, just like the last time yesterday back in the Gryffindor corridor.**

**And just like yesterday, his eyes started twinkling with mischief, his head tilting to the side as his lips begin to curl up in that smirk.**

"Again with the smirking!"

Indeed, Harry would not stop staring and smirking at the Sue.

"You know what this reminds me of?" Randa remarked, watching the 'interaction'. "The scenes from _Twilight_ in the biology room. All the badly-written UST here just screams _Twilight_."

"Ugh, this is so creepy," Rina whispered when Angelic!Harry began playing with the Sue's **brown locks waving in the air for a second before they came to fall on [her] left shoulder with a gentle shimmer until they settled.**

"Her hair is one step away from glittering," Randa said, eyeing the shimmering locks like they were already part of her yo-yo cord.

The world suddenly began to shudder; Rina and Randa were thrown out of their desks.

"What's happening?!" Randa yelled.

"It's another scene change!" Rina yelled back. No sooner had she said it than they ground to a halt in a grey void while the Sue whined, monologue-style, about her day.

**And all these things happen with the Curtsey of Mr. Harry **_**Bloody Scary**_** Potter.**

"HBSP curtseys now?"

Randa shrugged. "I'm just glad we don't have a mini on our hands. 'Sneer Snape'? Really?"

"Maybe it's a nickname the Sue gave him," Rina suggested. The void slowly rearranged itself into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, but it looked like the movie scenes that took place in the Pensieve: smoky and indistinct.

Rina moved over to Ron and tried to poke him. Her hand passed right through.

"We're right here," she said loudly. None of the people in the room looked up. To Randa, she said, "I think it's because we're supposed to be reading this _in medias res_."

At least that gave them the liberty to move around the room without fear of being noticed by the Sue. Randa got right in front of the Sue's smoky form and started making faces.

She shrieked when Rina crept up behind the Sue and shoved her hand through the Sue's head, her fingers emerging from the eyes.

"This is too fun," Rina sniggered, proceeding to stick her head out of the Sue's chest. "Look, we can reenact _Alien_!"

Randa giggled.

Rina's ADHD kicked in pretty quickly, though. Bored with playing with the smoky characters, she wandered around the classroom, examining the covers of the textbooks and blowing in bit characters' faces.

The Sue's voice began echoing around the room. Apparently, her inner monologue didn't have to be so inner now that the story was narrating past events.

"Well, this is just lovely," Rina said, sitting in Dean Thomas and kicking her feet up on his desk. "She didn't get any O.W.L.s- because she's homeschooled, I guess- so she's going to take them in a month? There's no way she'd be ready in time-"

Professor 'Sneer' Snape burst into the room, barking at his students to sit despite them already being seated. He launched into a lecture that was fairly in-character considering it wasn't copied straight from the book, then **pointed his wand at the class blackboard in front of us, where words begin to form neatly at the header of the blackboard, which reads:**

**Unforgivable Curse.**

"Okay, why?" Randa asked, idly twirling her yo-yo around so it kept passing through Snape's head. "I mean, he might have been an imposter, but Barty Crouch, Jr., did a pretty good job covering them."

"Probably so the Sue can wangst about how cruel the curses are," Rina said over the [i]**naudible gasp could be heard very clearly from behind and around the classroom before the room burst into a buzz of low murmurings. **

**"Isn't that what Mad-eye did in our fourth year?" I hear someone whispered from just across from my bench.**

Randa opened a portal for Mad-eye and nudged the mini through, shuddering when it closed behind him.

**"I believe that you all may or may not realize as to **_**what**_** am I about to tell everyone of you socially **_**dumb**_** weaklings," I nearly jumped out my skin as my eyes snapped back to the front of the classroom to see Professor I-don't-know-what-his-name-is snarled under his breath, leaning casually against the teacher's desk behind him. His long, lean black clad arms crossed across his chest and eyes narrowed into slits.**

"Jeez, now Snape's regressed to using childish insults?" Randa got up and prodded at Snape's arms. "And he has long, lean arms?"

**Not that I think they are even aware of that little tiny insects, which I believe is a bug, crawling at the side wooden table and coming dangerously close to the blonde's pant's right leg.**

"I also believe a mammal is an animal," Rina said, pretending to adjust a monocle. "What is with this chick and her non sequiturs?"

**"Care to s**_**hare **_**the **_**joke**_**, Mr. Weasley?" Professor I-still- don't-know-what-his-name-is practically glowed as we all turned to watch Ron gulped loudly in front of him, looking stupefied and turning a seven shades of red with an alarming rate.**

"What joke?" Randa demanded. "He wasn't saying anything!"

**"I-I, it's.. umm... uh...Professor? Uh.. umm-," Ron stuttered helplessly, his eyes flying around him, looking for help.**

**"I'm not standing here to listen to your **_**girly**_**stutterers, Weasley." He rolled his eyes at Ron; who upon hearing his comment, slouch low in his seat to avoid getting more flustered than he seem. **

Randa glanced at Rina. "Think Snape's been possessed?" she asked worriedly.

Rina gnawed on her lip. "Well, it's possible," she said. You know, if we keep getting assigned fics like this, we really oughta demand more resilient CADs."

Hermione, or **the same Ginger – Wise girl from yesterday**, raised her own **lean, long arm** in the air.

"Ginger-Wise?" Rina raised an eyebrow. "Interesting name. Think she's related to Samwise? And why does everyone now have long, lean arms? Or lean long," she amended quickly.

**I know the gesture. It's shows the sign for permitting permission from the authority figure.**

"I think we all know what raising your hand means, darling." Randa rolled her eyes. "Though 'permitting permission' is an odd way of phrasing it..." She sighed and sent a note- that is, messaged- the Department of Redundancy Department. Again.

Snape proceeded to call Hermione a know-it-all and deduct twenty points, which elicited gasps from the students.

Ron and Not!Harry stood up, Not!Harry's[e]**yes blazing with face flushed with anger. **True to the nature of badfics, his eyes literally caught fire.

"Now he's got Emerald eyes that burst into flames. Greeeat." Randa took advantage of the insubstantial characters to inspect what was happening to Not!Harry's eye sockets; she withdrew her head, looking ill. "His sockets have been completely burned."

Rina made a face. "Seriously not cool, Words," she said. Of course, the Words didn't respond.

Ginger-Wise stood up as well, not being at all subtle when she begged the boys to sit down lest they risk provoking Snape. Her shrill voice pierced the agents' eardrums. Not literally, but it sure felt like it.

Snape randomly ordered Not!Harry to sit **"Next to her."**

**It was then the world stopped spinning.**

**Revolving.**

**Changing.**

**And moving, for that matter.**

"Oh my god, why do Sues always have to be so dramatic?!" Rina started punching at the Sue, her fists flying harmlessly through the air. It didn't have any effect, but it did make her feel better.

Randa sighed, but decided it was better for Rina to wear herself out like this without almost breaking her knuckles. She settled down to wait for her partner's tantrum to pass.

The Sue stated twice that she was **dazed and light-headed**, swooning when Not!Harry took his seat beside her. Rina turned and delivered a vicious kick to what would have been the replacement's groin, only to stub her toe on the chair. There was a lot of swearing after that.

Of course, that was when Not!Harry's scent of **sandalwood with the hint of lavender and... **_**Apple**_**s**filled the entire room.

"OH GOOD ROWLING ALMIGHTY, WHAT IS WITH BADFICS AND LAVENDER?" Rina screamed.

Randa clamped her hands over her ears, waiting for the storm to pass.

**"Well, as you all know, or maybe not," Professor Snape muttered disgustedly under his breath, "That there are 3 types of Unforgivable Curses. Unforgivable Curses are three of the most powerful and sinister spells known to the Wizarding world and are the tools of the Dark Arts. In which, I'm sure is the case with this full class of utter foolish dumb weaklings, doesn't know what are those in the first place."**

Rina was still screaming about lavender, for whatever reason, so Randa made a note to consider walloping Snape with a copy of _Half-Blood Prince. _Maybe it would restore his ability to come up with decent insults.

There was a passing mention of how the Cruciatus Curse could be used to torture someone to death, which Randa also wrote down in her notebook.

**"Yeah, yeah! Alright, I got it! Now, can we move on?"** Not!Harry drawled.

Randa sighed and lay down on the floor. _I give up_, she thought to herself. Her partner was screaming about lavender while Harry was acting so out of character, it was painful.

Meanwhile, Snape was demonstrating the Cruciatus Curse in a scene stolen straight from the _Goblet of Fire_ movie. That was when the Sue launched into another flashback. The sudden change of format startled Rina out of her tantrum, but Randa worried it would only lead her straight to another.

**"**_**No! P-please! I b-beg! Not me-my DA-daughter! Please!"**_

**"**_**Stand aside lady! Let us through!" Command.**_

**"**_**Please, no! Kill us! Torture us! Kill both of us! But not her! Please! Spare my child!" Mom sobbed uncontrollably, feeling the sudden weight behind my back, which was resting against the door. I whipped around to caress my hand against the door, silently sobbing.**_

_**I have heard another thud before my dad shout.**_

**"**_**You filthy piece of a junk! How dare you even try to touch her!"**_

_**Another sound of a person tsked for a moment before it spoke.**_

**"**_**Grant the lady her wish, Bella." A cold voice speaks softly."Make it painless for both of them." It paused before he finished, "...and for us." It hissed. A sudden chill of fear ran down my spine upon hearing his voice alone, but I was waiting for their move with baited breath. Terrified.**_

_**And then.**_

_**"Crucio!"**_

Rina's mouth had fallen open. "_What the actual fuck?!_"

Randa dropped her forehead on the floor. "Wow. Way to rip off of Neville's backstory."

"Skip to the end. Please," Rina begged, grabbing hold of Randa's arm.

"But there's like a lot of chapter left," Randa protested weakly, though her hand was already pulling out her RA.

She decided to compromise and take them to the end of the class, which she quickly realized might not have been the best idea.

Not!Harry had chased down the Sue to ask her her name.

**When he realizes that I'm not going to grant his wish, he sighed heavily.**

**"Are you going to tell me or not, clumsy?" He asked in a sulky tone. **

The Sue feebly brushed him off.

**"What's your name?" He repeated his question once again, deliberately slow, as if I'm some kind of physically, emotionally or mentally challenge type of person.**

**My eyes narrowed at him, skeptical.**

**"Why should I tell you?" I challenge him, my left brow raises up in the **_**'Flamel'**_** trademark symbol. He raised his in mild surprise before abruptly leaning forward across the seat 'till his face was lined next to mine, both of our eyes at the same level.**

**"Because I want to know." He whispered softly, his warm breath fanning across my face with the sweet scent of sandalwood with the hint of lavender and Apples washing me, successfully penetrating through my mind. My mind went all foggy, my heart all haywire and my breath all doggy as I simply stared at him quite stupidly. Feeling soo warm and vulnerable and soo...**_**small, **_**just like a child in front of him all of a sudden.**

The Sue turned to run to the Gryffindor tower, Not!Harry following her the whole way. The exchange basically went like this:

"Tell me your name!"

"No!"

"Tell me!"

"No!"

At last, the Sue and Not!Harry made it to the tower. When Not!Harry refused to move out of the Sue's way, she tried to go around him.

**"Fine! Have it your way!" I said, miffed as I started making my way towards the now opening form of the portrait.**

**But I yelped loudly when the back of robes was been abruptly pulled from behind me and nearly making me to fall backward. Yet quite suddenly, the motion was halted.**

**Emerald orbs were twinkling in suppressed amusement as Harry held me in his arms, those which were wrapped tightly yet safely around my small frame. His arms felt tough yet gentle, muscular yet tender and hard but soft.**

**"I **_**will**_** know your name," He told me determinedly, his emerald green colored eyes flashing dangerously behind his glasses, "Whether you like it or not."**

"Randa, I'm not asking much, please just take us out of here!"

She didn't need to ask twice.

The girls appeared at the top of the Astronomy Tower, the evening wind whipping their hair around their faces.

Rina sat down against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest. "Randa, I can't believe this. This whole story is a mess! Harry is a creeper, the Sue thinks it's hot, and we can't leave until we take care of it! I want to go _home!_"

Randa sat next to her friend, stroking her hair. "Rina, I'll give you as long as you need to recuperate, but we have a job to do, you know? When you showed up in my room... what, a month ago? Remember how eager you were? We've not been at our jobs for long and you're already starting to crack. What happened to you?"

"Bad fanfiction," Rina mumbled into her knees. "Sues I can deal with, but this? Portraying Harry like a creeper and trying to pass it off as romantic is _wrong_. I just..." She felt something wet drip down her cheeks and realized she was crying. She angrily wiped away the tears. "I just _hate_ it!"

Randa wrapped her arms around Rina. "I know, baby, I know. But that's why we're here, okay? We're here to set things right.

"Yeah, the job can suck royal hippogriff at times, but like you said- if we don't do it, who will? Besides," she added, grinning, "won't it be the greatest feeling in the world when we do finally get to take this fic down? Knowing that we're making a difference is what keeps me sane."

"Because you were so sane to begin with..." Rina sagged against Randa, taking comfort in her friend's embrace. "What would I do without you, Randa?" she asked, gigging somewhat hysterically.

"Oh come on, Rina, you know you'd have gone insane after our first mission if you didn't have me." Randa grinned into Rina's hair. When Rina swatted at her playfully, she took it as a good sign.

"We probably oughta get back to our mission," Rina said reluctantly, trying to stand.

Randa pulled her back down. "Nuh-uh. You need a break. We're staying right here until you're good and ready to face Creeper!Harry again."

"But the Flowers-"

"The Flowers can go pollinate themselves," Randa said calmly. "We're not getting back to the mission until you're feeling better."

They sat up there until the sun began to set and their backsides were sore. When stars began appearing in the sky, Rina stood stiffly and helped Randa to her feet.

"Thank you," Rina said quietly, stopping Randa before she could get a portal working.

Randa gave her a smile. "At the risk of sounding cliché... what are friends for?"

She opened a portal to the Gryffindor common room and followed Rina through. By this point, a week (and a chapter) had passed and the Sue was still as spineless as ever.

In the brief time they'd skipped, the Sue had revealed her favorite novel was _Pride and Prejudice_, made friends with Hagrid ("She got the dialogue wrong," Rina said, scanning the Words, "but at least she made more of an effort than Ordellya."), and went out of her way to avoid Creeper!Harry. This mostly consisted of lots of 'He scares me! But he's so gorgeous! But he scares me! But he's HAWT!' and lots of mentions of 'emerald green colored' eyes.

Once the Sue headed to breakfast, Rina hurried up the stairs to the dorm to gleefully smash the Sue's Muggle alarm clock before running to catch up with Randa, who was tailing the Sue.

"What'd I miss?" Rina panted, jogging up alongside her partner.

"Just wangsting about Creeper!Harry," Randa said, rolling her eyes. She lightly touched the corner of her eye, mirroring the spot where a twitch had appeared in Rina's face. "You might want to calm down."

Rina took several deep breaths, clenching and unclenching her fists. "Right. Calm. I'm calm." The twitch intensified.

Randa shook her head and pushed open the doors to the Great Hall.

They sat down, ignoring the very long paragraph of description of the Sue drinking water, and helped themselves to some more Generic Food.

The Sue reached out to grab an Apple with a capital A when Creeper!Harry reached out and snatched it from right under her nose.

"_Twilight_ symbolism much?" Rina sighed.

**"Fancy an Apple, Flamel?" He asked in that low, soft tone, his eyes started their usual twinkling business.**

_**Oh, God!**_** I moan inwardly.**_** Please, stop that twinkling!**_

**Before they flash and turns all dangerous.**

**"Or shall I say **_**Angel**_**?" His face morph into a predatory grin, his eyes narrowing while he twirls that apple slowly in between his fingers and still staring at me, thoroughly smug.**

Rina and Randa could feel goosebumps erupting all over their skin, multiplying as Creeper!Harry laughed at the Sue's obvious discomfort, comparing her suddenly pale face to **those of Blood suckers**.

"Oh god, Randa," Rina whimpered. Randa patted her hand under the table.

At least at that point, the Sue had the good sense to bolt.

But then.

**As that same moment, something warm curls around my left small wrist and gripped on it. Making me to ungraciously halt my moment and very clumsily plop down at the near end of the desk rather sharply. My mouth let out an un-ladylike humph, a total breathless sound, at which I grimace and turned to face my cause of prevention for a rather perfect excuse of my perfectly choreographed escape.**

**But to only reconcile shyly.**

**Amused emerald gems stares at me, his head cocked at one side as he looks at me from behind those glasses, smirking.**

**"Shocked much?" He asked, an eye brow quirking up in questioning way, which I found highly annoying. Glaring, I wiggled my wrist free. But to my utter surprise, he only tightened his hold further.**

Rina sank down in her seat, squeezing her eyes shut and plugging her ears. It did nothing to erase the Words that had already been imprinted in her memory.

Randa reached into her vest and opened the bottle of Bleeprin, shrugging apologetically at Rina as she popped several of the pills. Rina was too deep into despair to even feel jealous.

Ginger-Wise, Ron, and Ginny showed up then and Creeper!Harry engaged them in a conversation about Quidditch. Well, almost all of them. Ginger-Wise, true to her Hermione façade, sat there looking bored.

The Sue tried to make her escape again. **I twisted my wrist roughly in his grip, hearing the cracking sound and feeling the abrupt strain in them before I let out a loud yelp.**

"He broke. Her fucking. Wrist," Rina ground out. It took all of her self-control to not attack the replacement Harry then and there. "And yet she still thinks he's amazing."

Randa nodded curtly, scowling at the replacement. "Yeah, that just about sums it up," she said quietly. "Just hang on, Rina, we'll get our chance."

Finally, the Sue was allowed to go.

"Come on," Randa said, and she and Rina hurried from the Great Hall. Once they were out of sight, she opened a portal that led to the corridor near the portrait of the Fat Lady. "This is the perfect moment to ambush her, and we can't waste it."

The agents lounged against the wall, seemingly at ease. When the Sue came running up to them, she stopped at the sight of the two girls waiting for her.

"Angel Flamel?" Rina said.

The Sue stood there, frozen as she launched into yet _another_ inner monologue, wondering how they knew her name, who they were, and what they wanted.

"Son of a werechihuahua, we don't have time for this." Rina stalked over to the Sue and snapped her fingers under her nose. "Hey, Angie. Wanna see something neat? We can prove Chamber of Secrets is real."

Angel's eyes widened as she looks at one girl from the other. "You can prove it?" she asks eagerly.

"Sure can!" Randa forced herself to smile brightly at the Sue as she opened a portal to a secluded corner of the Chamber. The Sue gasped daintily.

"Hey, while we're down here, we should play a little game," Rina said, mentally screaming at the Sue's blatant stupidity. She took a step toward the Sue, rat bones crunching underneath her feet. "It's called the Listening Game."

Randa pulled out her notepad. "Angel Flamel," she began, "you have been accused of multiple offenses against the _Harry Potter_ canon, namely being the daughter of two canon characters, stealing Neville Longbottom's backstory, creating way too many mini-Aragogs, planning on resurrecting Sirius Black for no reason, replacing Hermione Granger with a bitchy ginger, replacing Harry Potter with a really creepy, abusive stalker version of himself, having no respect for the English language, and pissing off PPC agents."

"And for being Too Dumb To Live," Rina added. "I mean, seriously, Harry scares the shit outta you and you still think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread even before he broke your wrist? That's the pinnacle of ultimate stupidity right there."

The Sue merely stood there, her head is cocked to one side as she listens to the charges being read. When the agents finished, she raises her hand in a questioningly manor.

"Are you two in my house" She asks. "Because I dont remember you."

Randa facepalmed. "You have got to be kidding me," she groaned, glancing at Rina, who had gone to the wall and was now beating her head against it.

"I'm so done. I'm _so_ done." Rina turned away from the wall, grabbed her crowbar and swung it at the Sue's head.

Angel Flamel collapsed, a trickle of glittery blood oozing from the back of her crushed skull.

"Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever," said Rina with bitter satisfaction. Randa offered her a fistbump. "Now let's go take care of Abusive!Harry."

The agents decided to wait until nightfall, when Abusive!Harry and Ginger-Wise would be asleep. With nothing left to do but wait, Randa portaled them back to the main part of the castle, and the agents spent the rest of the evening exploring.

At long last, the time came. They decided to take care of Ginger-Wise first, since she didn't have nearly as many charges.

They dropped into the girls' dorm, and Rina and Randa snuck up to Ginger-Wise's bed.

"What're the charges, again?" Randa whispered.

"Impersonating Hermione Granger and acting like a bitchy brat," Rina whispered back.

"That's it?"

"It's enough." Rina thought. "Oh, and aiding and abetting Abusive!Harry."

Randa frowned. "Come on, Rina, are you sure? It's not exactly a whole lot of charges…"

Rina groaned. "You want to recruit her, don't you?"

Randa nodded and, before Rina could stop her, shook Ginger-Wise's shoulder.

The replacement sat up immediately. "Ugh I dont have time, eff off I was asleep!"

Rina rolled her eyes. "Hey, Gin- I mean, Hermione, can you come with us for a second? We need some help with our, uh, homework."

"Fine but then I'm going back too bed." Ginger-Wise slid out of bed and stomped to the stairs. The agents followed, exchanging glances.

"This was your idea," Rina hissed.

Down in the common room, Ginger-Wise was waiting, her arms crossed and her foot tapping impatiently. "You bitches wanted something," she asked, though her sentence sounded flat due to the forgotten question mark.

Randa ground her teeth. "Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say it once- hon, we both know you're not really Hermione Granger, so you can drop the, uh, act."

Ginger-Wise harumphed and crossed her arms, sitting on the edge of a table. "Okay, fine, you caught me," she said, suddenly speaking properly. "You're not going to kill me though, are you? Otherwise you'd have done it while I was sleeping."

Rina winced, but Randa was unperturbed. "Yeah, we were planning on killing you, but I persuaded my partner to give you a chance."

Ginger-Wise cocked her head. "Well, that was awfully nice of you," she said, shooting a nasty glare at Rina. Rina glared back. "But what are you planning to do to me if not kill me? Cut me up and experiment on me?" She sounded remarkably calm about the prospect.

"No, not at all," Randa said quickly. "We wanted to offer you a job."

That seemed to catch her interest. "What kind of job? Please don't tell me it involves working with you two. It's not that I'm ungrateful," she added, "it's just that you two aren't exactly… up to my standards."

Randa felt a twitch developing in her eye. She glanced at Rina, who looked ready to lunge at the replacement.

"But that's totally cool," Ginger-Wise said, examining her manicured nails. "I suppose a couple of frumps won't totally ruin my image, so what the hell." She flipped her red tresses over her shoulder.

Randa whipped out her remote activator and opened a portal directly under Ginger-Wise, who screamed as she fell through into Headquarters.

"Where did you send her?" Rina asked, her eyes wide.

"Oh, nowhere," Randa said casually, keying in the next set of coordinates. At Rina's look, she relented. "I dumped her in that one daisy's office. The Marquis de Manure or whatever."

"You sent her to the _Marquis de Sod's office?_" Rina facepalmed. "Great… I don't know who to feel sorrier for." She dragged her hand down her face. "We're gonna get shouted at when we get back, I'm sure of it…"

Randa shrugged unapologetically and portaled them to Harry's dorm. The agents crept forward, their hearts in their mouths and dreading what would happen should he awaken.

They needn't have worried.

Randa clonked Abusive!Harry over the head with her yo-yo; they quickly proceeded to tape him up with the duct tape from Rina's pockets. Once he was secure, Randa opened another portal to the Chamber.

Rina dumped Abusive!Harry next to Angel's body and slapped him until he woke up. With tape over his mouth, all he could do was glare daggers at them with his blazing emerald orbs.

The agents dodged the daggers and Randa quickly plucked the flaming green spheres from Abusive!Harry's eye sockets, burning her fingers in the process. Abusive!Harry let out a tape-muffled yell, but the spheres came out blood-free. It was probably because his eye sockets had been cauterized by the fire.

Randa dropped the spheres in the water bottle Rina hastily dug out of her pockets, extinguishing them.

"Ow, those are hot!" Randa sucked on her fingers, glaring at the now-blind replacement.

"You're nuts," Rina said, shaking the bottle and watching the gems rattle around. "Don't worry, we'll get you to Medical once we finish this." She stored the bottle safely in her pocket, vaguely wondering how much money she could get for perfect emerald spheres that burst into flames and occasionally shot daggers.

"Okay, mister," she said, planting a foot on Abusive!Harry's chest and smiling- or rather, baring her teeth, "you have been charged with replacing the canon character of Harry Potter, creeping on the Sue, threatening the Sue, being a dick, having flaming, solid emerald eyeballs, and acting like an all-around psychopath. Or Edward Cullen, take your pick." She considered what she said. "You know what, I'm sorry I said that. Compared to you, Cullen is a kind, caring and supportive person. Certainly a much more decent being than _you_."

"Mmph mm mmmMMPH!"

"Sorry, I don't speak... ah, forget it." Rina slammed Abusive!Harry's head with all the strength she could muster and he collapsed next to Angel.

"You know..." Randa said, shifting uncomfortably and looking from one corpse to the other, "it doesn't seem right leaving him next to her."

Rina nodded slowly. "Angel might have been a little twat, but she doesn't deserve him decaying in the same general area." She picked up Abusive!Harry's corpse under the armpits and dragged it to the opposite side of the Chamber, making sure the body was out of sight for Deathly Hallows-era Ron and Hermione's sake. She wiped her hands on her jeans, silently cursing when she realized the glittery stain was probably not going to wash out.

After they rescued Harry and Hermione from their plothole, they neuralyzed the canons and sent them back to Gryffindor tower without any trouble. Their work finally complete, Rina smiled.

"Let's go," she said, and opened a portal back.

Dogwig barked a soft greeting to the two agents when they appeared, exhausted from the mission. Rina stroked the snowy owl's breast, stifling a yawn.

"Sorry, girl, I didn't have time to grab some owl treats for you," she said. She glanced up at Mcgonagoll's nest. "Or any bouillabaisse for you."

"Besides, all the food was covered in sand anyway," Randa added.

The only response was an angry clicking of pincers.

"Can we go to Medical now?" Randa continued, holding up her burned fingers. Rina winced and nodded, but that was when the console _ding_ed.

_Agents Dives and Roan, report to my office. You are expected in thirty seconds._

_-the Marquis de Sod_


	6. Retribution

_The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. _Harry Potter_ belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. Any other fandoms mentioned belong to their respective owners. _They Call Me Ebony: The Fifth Marauder_ is... well, this one is mine, I'm sorry to say. You can find it under Dndchk. Agent Rina is also mine, and Agent Randa belongs to my friend, who has graciously agreed to let me use her as a partner. Special thanks to Darkotas, EileenAlphabet, and TheShyIon for being my wonderful betas. And, as always, expect foul language._

* * *

><p>Randa collapsed on her beanbag, Rina ignoring her own in favor of simply flopping on the floor.<p>

"I don't care how long we're here," Rina grumbled into the floor, "I will never get over these horrible hours!"

"Oh, shut up," Randa yawned, kicking off her boots. "Just last week you were complaining that we weren't getting enough to do."

"That was before we had to deal with that week-long mission!" Rina hurled her crowbar at the wall; it bounced off with a _clang_, not even leaving a scratch on the Generic Surface.

"Yeesh, Rina, calm down," Randa said. "Trying to put dents in our walls isn't going to help anyone, will it?"

Rina muttered something probably uncomplimentary under her breath and got up to retrieve her crowbar, which was covered in dried glitter. She fished a ball of steel wool from her pockets and started scrubbing, to no avail. She cursed and threw her crowbar again.

Randa watched her partner's tantrum with only minimal interest. Rina's foul mood wouldn't last, as long as they didn't get an absolutely horri-

Randa tried to stop her train of thought, but it was too late.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Randa hurried to answer the console before Rina could smash it. She frowned at the readout.

"No way, it's gotta be a mistake," she muttered to herself. She became aware of a presence behind her and whirled, throwing her arms out to block the screen from Rina's view.

"Okay, you look guilty," Rina said, trying to read the screen.

Randa pressed up against it, desperate to prevent Rina from seeing the fic. "No, not guilty," Randa stammered. "It's just that, uh, I-"

Rina pushed her out of the way and bent down to read the report. Randa put her hands over her ears.

Rina's face slowly drained of color, only to quickly turn bright red. _That _was when she brought her crowbar down on the console. The panel of buttons buckled from the force, but the screen stayed intact, still showing the badfic's summary.

**Elizabeth Auberey is the fifth Marauder, but no one remembers her. It's like she didn't even exist. So who is she? What happened to her? And why is she having strange dreams that seem to be about the future? Technically speaking, COMPLETELY CANON! RL/OC. My take on what the Marauders' school days would be like with a girl in the group, and how it changes Harry's world.**

Rina turned away, breathing heavily. "Oh, this bitch is going down."

* * *

><p>"It's a good thing you missed the portal generator. The DoSAT probably thinks we're on a mission to ruin everything they give us."<p>

"I said I'm sorry, okay? How many times do I need to repeat myself?!"

Randa's portal had dropped the agents in the middle of Diagon Alley, dressed in plain robes. The only non-canon they had to worry about, thankfully, was Rina's old Sue and she was still in bed, about to be woken by her parents via the 'Happy Birthday' cliché.

With some time to kill, Randa had suggested they swing by Florean Fortiscue's Ice Cream Parlor while they waited for the Sue to show up. Rina easily agreed.

As they ate their ice creams (double chocolate fudge for Randa, chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts for Rina), they kept an eye on the Words, waiting for the fic to begin.

[T]**his is a repost of Chapter one. I've gone through and touched some stuff up, and since I didn't type this on an iPhone like I did the first time around, there will hopefully be less spelling errors. I noticed that Liz had some Mary Sueness up until chapter five, so I'll be editing that also. I'd like to think I've improved as a writer since I began.**

"_Less_ spelling errors? Try fewer. And only _some _Sueness?" Rina rubbed her temples. "Merlin, I was an idiot."

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but the plot and the OCs, one of which who is a blatant self-insert.**

Rina winced and dropped her head on the table, narrowly missing her ice cream. "At least I was honest about it, but oh my Rowling! That grammar! That grammar is just embarrassing! What the bloody fucknuggets was I thinking?! I knew better than that!"

Randa patted her gently on the arm. "So, your Sue's a half-blood?" she asked, scanning the Words. "And her parents are happily married and love her?"

"Yep. It's partly what kept me deluding myself that I wasn't writing a Sue." Rina sighed heavily, lifted her head, and reached for her untouched ice cream.

**Elizabeth threw on a ratty T-Shirt and jeans, her fingers fumbling in her haste. **

"See that?" Rina dug her spoon into her ice cream with way more force than absolutely necessary. "I even gave her my middle name!"

"She even dresses like you," Randa added, yelping when Rina kicked her under the table.

**As she hurried to the door, she paused to examine her reflection in the mirror. A small, slender girl with short, choppy brown hair and big, bright hazel eyes stared back at her.**

"Hey, she even looks like you!" Randa dodged the kick and grinned.

"She. Does not. Look like me," Rina growled. "Also, I'm charging for using the 'Sue looks into the mirror' excuse for a description. It's _so_ overdone." Under her breath, she added, "And I wasn't _that_ short when I was little." She took a sullen bite of ice cream.

**"Liz? Elizabeth? Come on, dear, I want to be back in time for dinner!" her mother called.**

**"Coming, mum!" Elizabeth grabbed her jacket, stuffed her feet into her shoes, and raced down the stairs, taking them three at a time.**

"Aww, look! She even _acts_ like you!"

Rina slammed her palms on the table. "Randa, I swear to all the authors that if you don't shut your face right now, I'll shut it for you!"

Randa flinched back, suddenly worried she'd gone too far. Rina clenched and unclenched her fists several times, breathing heavily.

At long last, her shoulders drooped. "I'm sorry, Randa. I don't mean it..."

Randa waved a dismissive hand. "Eh, I should have known better than to try and get a rise out of you. 'Specially considering this is your old story and all."

"No, I really am... 's'not your fault I was such a horrid writer."

Randa grinned and punched Rina lightly in the shoulder. "Bruh, it's okay. I used to be shit, too." The grin faded when she looked at the Words. "So... your Sue-"

"_The_ Sue," Rina said firmly.

"The Sue's a half-blood? But she's never been to Diagon Alley?" Randa asked. "How come?"

"Fuck if I know." Rina stretched out in her seat and took another bite of her ice cream. She watched the Sue and her mother enter Diagon Alley and felt her stomach lurch. The Sue looked just like she had at eleven, albeit with much bigger and shinier eyes, and the mother looked just like her own mother. This was going to be harder than she'd thought.

Randa couldn't stop staring as the OCs disappeared into Madam Malkin's. The Sue really did look like a smaller version of Rina.

"Charge for an in-text author's note," Rina said dully.

Randa ducked, expecting it to come flying out of nowhere like the others, but nothing happened. She frowned. "What author's note?"

Rina shrugged, looking embarrassed. "Well, it's not there anymore... I deleted it shortly after a reviewer pointed out that it was unprofessional. But still-"

"Nuh-uh. It's not there, and you learned from your mistake. You can't charge that."

"But-"

"No buts!" Randa pretended to zip her lips. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and let's go!"

Randa dragged a still-protesting Rina up the street and into the robe shop. They hid behind a rack of robes, peering through the garments to watch the Sue start getting fitted next to Remus.

Rina buried her face in the robes. "I really doubt Remus' family could afford to buy him robes from here," she mumbled into the cloth. "I mean, he's supposed to be poorer than the Weasleys, and they have to get their robes second-hand."

The Sue asked Remus' name and he told her.

**"Remus? Like Romulus and Remus? That's a cool name." She grinned.**

**"Er...thanks?" Remus said uncertainly.**

**"Honestly, I'm not going to bite you," Elizabeth continued, wondering why he'd jumped.**

Randa stared. "...Wow."

Rina refused to take her face out of the robes. "Why did I ever think that was a good idea? 'Lol, this guy is actually a werewolf, so it's funny!1one!'" Rina was using all her willpower to not start yelling. "Guh, and I made Remus' father pure-blood and his mother Muggle-born when they're half-blood and Muggle. Charge."

Randa, meanwhile, was busy opening a portal for the minis muggle, muggle-born and Pure-blood. Rina looked down at the spiders and let her head hit the rack.

"I'm such an idiot," she mumbled.

"You _were_," Randa corrected. She thought about what she said. "Well..."

Rina swatted her upside the head. "Making Remus' father abusive, too," she muttered, rubbing her eyes. "All for the sake of teh drahmahs." She amended her statement. "Well, neglectful. But it's still not canon."

Remus and his father left, the Sue's mother coming in a moment later.

The Sue and her mother finally left and the agents followed them to** the apothecary, which smelled rather horrible,, then Eyelops Owl Emporium. **

Randa dodged the stray comma and glanced at Rina accusingly.

**They left with a gorgeous barn owl with a heart shaped face, which Elizabeth christened her Athena.**

"Oh my god, how did I physically write this?!"

"Uh, paper, pencil-"

"No!" Rina put her face in her hands. "I knew my grammar back then! I was being sloppy and it's painful! Give me that remote," she said, making a grab at Randa's robes. "I'm portaling back in time and giving myself a swift kick up the ass!"

"Calm down, Rina," Randa hissed, stepping away from her partner's prying hands. "You're not kicking anyone, now stop groping me! I'm taken!" Randa held the RA behind her back and sent Eyelops and Olivanders' after their brethren. Upon reflection, she realized it was a bit depressing that she could operate the device without even looking at it.

"Well, I'm still charging for bad grammar and a stupid, overused name," Rina huffed. "Archimedes would have been so much better."

**As they headed up the street to Olivanders', they passed a small plump boy **

"There's Peter," Rina said, pointing.

**("I think I left my list at home!") and his mother outside Quality Quiddich Supplies. When they reached the wandmaker's store, the door burst open and a boy with glasses and untidy black hair came racing out.**

"Aaand cue Hyper!James."

"Wow, Hyper!James indeed," Randa said, staring after the canon. She came to her senses when Mr. Olivander and Quiddich went scuttling over her foot. She let out a muffled shriek and portaled them to the HFA.

Rina ducked her head in embarrassment. "Seven minis in the first chapter alone," she mumbled. "I'm so sorry..."

They portaled into Ollivanders, moving several wand boxes around the shelves so they had a clear view of the Sue. She tried ten different wands until Mr. Ollivander handed her one made of "**Hickory and unicorn hair, fourteen inches, sturdy. Perhaps..."**

The Sue took the wand and, instead of a shower of sparks, ended up producing a smoky Dark Mark.

"What was _that?_" Randa asked in unison with the Sue. Rina just shook her head and pointed at Ollivander, who launched into a speech about how the Sue's wand was Speshul because the unicorn who had provided the tail hair was a legendary ebony unicorn, which only showed up as harbingers of war.

"And the Failed Dramatic Ending strikes again." Rina sighed and motioned for Randa to take them out of the shop. Outside, she sat heavily on the curb, her head in her hands. "You know what the worst part is?" she said dully. "There's over two hundred and fifty thousand words of this nonsense over three fanfics. _Ebony. Fucking. Unicorns."_

"The author's note says you got the idea from _Dungeons and Dragons_-"

"I know what the author's note said!" Rina yelled. "And I hate it!" She stood up and kicked at the curb. "This is canon defilement! From me! Here I was, thinking I was the biggest _Harry Potter_ fan in the world, and _this_ is what I have to show for it? A noncanon species, a fifth Sue Marauder, and an army of minis! I only contributed to the PPC's workload, and the canon paid the price for my stupidity. What was I _thinking?!_"

"You weren't," Randa said, sitting down and pulling Rina with her. "You just thought it would be cool to write this story, and you did. I'm not saying you were right in doing so, but try not to blame yourself so much. You were just a kid having fun." She smiled. "I mean, a lot of people go through a Suethor phase in their career as an author, don't they?"

Rina just stared at her. "And this is seriously your idea of trying to cheer me up?"

"It's always worked in the past," Randa muttered.

Rina huffed and stood up. "I'm not gonna feel better about this until that bitch is deader than... something that's dead. Let's just go."

Randa took them to the Hogwarts Express and they claimed the compartment that Rina said would be adjacent to the Sue.

"Don't you think we'll stick out just a tiny bit?" Randa asked, looking down at her non-uniform robes.

"...maybe just a bit," Rina agreed, digging into her pockets. She frowned as she removed her CAD, neuralyzer, stuffed animal, duct tape...

She must have emptied half of her pockets before she finally found the D.O.R.K.S., which for some reason looked like a dragon egg. "Aha!" A frown creased her brow as she ran her fingers over the interface. Her hand seemed to sink right through the shell, though that was because the egg disguise was merely an illusion. Underneath, it was a heavy cube with lots and lots of buttons. "Ooookay, if I remember the video correctly, then this button will-"

There was a flash of light followed by some strange sci-fi noises, and suddenly Rina had been replaced by a draenei.

"Oh, come on!" She shook the device impatiently. "Maybe this-?"

Now she was dressed like a Kyoshi Warrior.

"Crap!" Rina shook the D.O.R.K.S. again. It merely went 'prrrrrrrrp' and changed into a golden fan.

"What's that you're always saying about your awesome memory?" Randa asked innocently.

"Shut up."

Several tries later, Rina finally managed to figure out the code for 'Generic Gryffindor'.

"About time," she muttered, smacking the D.O.R.K.S. for good measure.

"Ooh, I wanna be in Hufflepuff!" Randa said.

Rina looked at her. "...said nobody in the history of forever," she said slowly.

Randa kicked at her.

"Ow! Randa, you know I didn't mean that!" Rina rubbed her shin. "I like Hufflepuffs too, come on!"

"Hufflepuff," Randa said firmly.

Rina pointed the D.O.R.K.S. at Randa and complied, frowning when the device in her hand made that strange whirring noise and changed into a copy of _Magical Me_. Randa looked down and gave a delighted squeal.

Rina stowed the D.O.R.K.S. in her pocket, watching the Sue pass by their compartment. She pressed her face up against the window when Remus walked past, completely oblivious to her.

"Oh, I just wanna hug him," Rina said, sighing when he entered the Sue's compartment.

"You realize, considering he's eleven right now, how creepy that sounds?" Randa said, tucking her feet up underneath her.

"No, I don't want to hug him like that," Rina said, her cheeks coloring. "Well, if he was older, sure, but right now he just looks so adorable! I would hug him and give him chocolate and... okay, I see where you're going with this." She clammed up and sat down, pulled out her crowbar, and resumed trying to scrub off the glitter. Randa just grinned.

**As the train started to move, two boys came in, laughing and dragging their trunks behind them. One of them seemed vaguely familiar. Then she remembered- the boy with the messy black hair and glasses was the one who had nearly run her over at Olivander's. James, his name was. Wasn't it? It looked like Elizabeth wasn't going to be able to stay away from him this train ride. Dear Merlin, help her.**

"No, dear Merlin help _me_," Randa said, grabbing her remote activator and all but kicking Olivander's through the portal. "Seriously, bruh, eight mini-Aragogs?"

"I'm not exactly proud," Rina shot back.

**"Are you serious?" James asked, choking on his laughter.**

**"No, I'm _Sirius_!" Both boys exploded into fits of hysteria. **

Rina started slowly banging her head against the wall. "I am so sorry for writing that," she said, wincing.

"That pun," Randa said, a strained look on her face, "deserves to be shot."

**"Who're you?" James asked suddenly, turning to Elizabeth. She ignored him. He poked her. "Hello? Anybody home?"**

**"No," Elizabeth said, hoping he'd go away.**

**"Aw, c'mon, I wanna know your name!" He nudged Remus with his foot. "You too."**

**"Remus Lupin. Go away," he said, not looking up.**

"...Want to bet our CADs exploded again?" Rina said after a long pause.

Randa tentatively reached into her pocket, a surprised expression crossing her face. "Hey, it's still intact!"

"No thanks to my skills at characterization," Rina muttered, slouching in her seat.

Meanwhile, James was introducing himself and his oh-so-mysterious friend.

**Elizabeth looked up. The Black boy had shoulder length black hair and grey eyes that sparkled with mischief.**

"I can't believe you actually wrote 'sparkled'."

"I can't believe I actually wrote this shit."

**Elizabeth looked at James and noticed a double T badge pinned to his shirt. Her eyes widened. "No! You're a Tornadoes fan?"**

**"Yeah, you got a problem with that?" James' eyes narrowed.**

**"Yeah, I got a problem with that! I'm a Canons fan, have been since I was three!" She clutched her heart dramatically. "You're killing me! Oh, the pain! The paaain!"**

Rina wanted to disappear through the floor when Randa was forced to open yet another portal for the smoky grey mini, Tornadoes, and a bright orange mini named Canons.

"The irony of that last name is almost too perfect," Randa said, pocketing her remote activator. "That's, what, ten minis now?"

Rina could only whimper.

"Oh, enter Snape and Lily, fic right," Randa said, crossing to Rina's side of the compartment and pressing her ear against the wall. Rina reluctantly followed suit.

It was really just a redo of the flashback scene from _Deathly Hallows_, though the Sue was the recipient of Snape's 'brawny or brainy' line this time around.

Rina sighed, rubbing her eyes when she remembered she'd had the Sue originally steal Sirius' retort of 'Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?'. But she'd changed it when she realized line-stealing was a Sue trait.

"Not like it helped any," she muttered.

"What?"

"Just snarking to myself."

"Ah."

"You know, there's another thing," Rina said, scowling at her crowbar like it had personally offended her, "the Marauders weren't all in the same compartment the first time. But here, it's all five of them, Sue and all."

The Sue proceeded to express her newfound hatred of Lily, mentioning that she hoped she wouldn't end up in the same 'house'.

"Hurdurr, it's funny because we know it's going to happen- OH SWEET MOTHER OF MEW, THAT'S ELEVEN!" Rina picked up house and flung the mini through a hastily-opened portal. "GAWD!"

"Uh," Randa said when James proceeded to describe Lily as gorgeous. "I really doubt their lusty-hormones would be kicking in this early."

Rina pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know that _now_, okay? I'm sorry!"

A horrible smell hit them just then; Rina peered out into the corridor. "Here comes Peter," she said, one hand pressed over her nose, "and he's covered in Stinksap." She yelped and ducked back inside the compartment, rubbing her head where a missing quotation mark had struck her.

Randa couldn't keep the grin off her face. "So, what have we learned here about proof reading?"

Rina stuck her tongue out.

**"I'm hungry," James said suddenly. "When's the snack cart supposed to come by?"**

**Remus looked at his watch. "Probably not for awhile. It's only eleven- thirty." Right when he'd finished speaking, the door opened yet again to reveal a plump witch pushing a trolley laden with sweets.**

**"You were saying?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.**

**"Oh, shut up, Lizard- Breath." Everyone stared at Remus. He seemed shocked he'd said such a thing. "I- I'm so sorry, Elizabeth! I didn't mean-" He was cut off with a burst of laughter. After a pause, he hesitantly laughed as well.**

"...should we check the CADs?" Randa asked hesitantly. Rina just slouched even lower in her seat.

"We probably shouldn't," she muttered.

Randa decided it would be best to try and distract her partner. "You got any cards in those pockets of yours?"

Several dozen rounds of Go Fish later, Rina threw her cards down in disgust. "I'm sick of this game!"

"Yeah, me too," Randa sighed, gathering up the cards and handing them over. "We really oughta look into other games- oh, hey, the snack cart's on its way."

Rina's face suddenly turned pink, deepening to red when the Sue actually threatened Remus to eat the candy the others had bought for him.

"So is this supposed to show that the Sue won't take crap from anybody?" Randa asked. "Because if so-"

"I failed horribly."

Randa winced. "Well, I was gonna put it a bit more gently..."

"Let's get outta here," Rina said dejectedly. "Before the next horrible Sirius/serious joke."

Randa rubbed her forehead. "Please tell me you didn't make that a running gag."

"Okay, we've got a lake crossing scene coming up," Rina said, more loudly than necessary, "and there's probably a lot of stuff to charge if I remember correctly, so..." she pulled out her D.O.R.K.S. again, fiddling with the controls. "We'd stick out too much like this," she said, shrinking to child-size. "HA! First try!" She pointed the D.O.R.K.S. at Randa.

"Yeesh, Rina. No offense, but you really do look just like the Sue," Randa said, squirming uncomfortably as her molecules were rearranged. "Maybe you ought to, I dunno, mix it up a little?"

Rina glanced down at herself and frowned. "Oh, fine," she snapped. A moment later, her eyes had turned blue and hair had lengthened and turned blonde. She impatiently tucked a stray lock behind her ear. "I hate this."

"Hey, it's just until we get across the lake," Randa said, failing to stifle a snigger at Rina's hair as she got a portal working. Rina turned abruptly, her hair flying around and whipping Randa in the face.

"Let's go."

They stepped out onto the crowded platform, shivering slightly in the cool night air. Rina winced when she heard Hagrid's mangled speech booming out over the crowd. Rina and Randa ducked around several bit characters and managed to catch up to the first years.

Hagrid led them to the boats, which were stated in canon to only hold four children.

"Peter's getting kicked out, isn't he?" Randa whispered.

Sure enough, Peter turned and walked over to Lily and Snape.

"Poor guy," Rina muttered, wincing.

"Hey, at least the Sue didn't kick him out, right?" Randa muttered back, leading Rina over to a boat that two bit characters already occupied and clambering in.

"Might as well have." Rina accepted Randa's helping hand and climbed in as well.

The little fleet of boats moved forward, and Rina and Randa leaned forward, anxious to see Hogwarts from this new perspective. It really was something to behold; all its windows were lit up and reflected in the smooth surface of the lake.

James' voice echoed in the unnatural silence.** "I heard there was a giant squid in the lake, and if anyone fell in, it would throw you back out," James said. ****"Dunno if it's true, but that would be cool, wouldn't it?" He peered over the side of the boat, trying to see into it's murky depths.**

"Here we go." Rina swatted away the stray apostrophe and scowled. "I seriously don't know why its and it's keep getting mixed up," she said quietly. Her voice trembled a little. "I _swear_ I know the difference."

"That's why you use a beta," Randa said, shrugging. "So you don't make stupid mistakes like that."

There was a sudden splash; Sirius had pushed James into the lake. James popped back up pretty quickly, yelling that he couldn't swim. When Sirius leaned forward to pull James out of the water, James grabbed hold and pulled him in.

"James and Sirius nearly capsize the boat cliché," Randa said, raising her eyebrows at Rina.

"Hey, don't look at me like that," Rina protested. "At least I didn't make them really capsize the boat! Besides, I've seen stories where they capsize the entire _fleet!_"

"Capsize doesn't even sound like a word anymore," Randa mused. "Capsize. Capsize, capsize. Capsize-"

Rina swatted her.

The bit characters screamed when the giant squid grabbed James and Sirius and dropped them back in the boat before disappearing.

**The two boys were giggling like idiots. Sirius shook his head, doglike, spraying them all with water.**

"Hurdur, because he turns into a dog later, geddit?" Rina rolled her eyes. "Guh, it's so bad I'm channeling Enoby."

"You know, I've been wondering why your- I mean, _the_ Sue is called Ebony. Didn't you know about _My Immortal _before you wrote this?" Randa asked. She and Rina ducked when their boat passed through the ivy curtain at the other end of the lake.

Rina rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "Actually, no. I didn't until a reviewer pointed it out. And by that point, I figured it was too late for a retcon."

The little fleet docked in the underground harbor and the agents ducked down, remaining hidden in the boat while the rest of the characters headed up to the school.

"Okay, now to get rid of this." Rina flicked her blonde locks over her shoulder disdainfully and retrieved the D.O.R.K.S., smacked it a few times when it refused to comply, and finally managed to change herself back to Generic Gryffindor.

"That's _so_ much better," Randa said, stretching as she was returned to normal. "Being eleven again felt so weird." She sighed and fingered her robe. "Fine, Gryffindor it is."

"At least you got to stay looking like yourself," Rina muttered, stepping through a portal into the Great Hall. She and Randa seated themselves in what they were beginning to think of as 'their' spot and looked through the Words. Currently, the Sue was waiting in the annex with the rest of the first years, who were wondering about the Sorting Ceremony.

**"I heard we had to wrestle a troll!" A tall boy said.**

**"My brother said something about a banshee!" A curly-haired girl cried.**

**"I've been reading about magical monsters- maybe it'll be a vampire? Or a werewolf?" The redhead said. Remus jumped.**

**Peter put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Remus. Werewolves are really dangerous. There's no way they'd let one into the castle." Remus paled visibly. "Did I say something wrong?" Peter asked.**

Rina dropped her head onto the table, causing the silverware to rattle. "God, I hate myself..."

At last the first years filed in, all of them looking around nervously. Rina turned her head when the Sue glanced her way.

"Randa, you might want to plug your ears," she whispered, covering her own. Randa got her hands up right before the Sorting Hat burst into song.

To Rina's credit, it was original, but it was poorly-rhymed and the beat was atrocious. The Hat ended with a warning to the students to unite or be destroyed.

"That sounds like it came out of _Order of the Phoenix,_" Randa whispered.

"That's where I got the idea," Rina said miserably.

The Sue tripped on her way up to the stool, eliciting several snickers from the agents.

**"Ah, yes. I can see great intellect here, and a desire to do well in school. There is also much loyalty to your friends, though you have known them only a few hours. And there is a bravery in you- yes, I can see that you will be very brave indeed. There is a great destiny ahead for you, though I cannot see it clearly. Yes, with bravery like yours, you should be in GRYFFINDOR!"**

"Now the Sorting Hat can see the future?" Randa asked over the din of applause.

"I think it didn't occur to me that the warning in the book was just general advice, considering they were heading toward all-out war," Rina said, flinching when the Sue plunked herself down several feet away. "And it figures she's got qualities of several Houses."

There was a sudden lurch, and both agents winced at the whiplash.

"Crap, this is where the POV starts getting all wonky," Rina murmured, watching Sirius get called up to be Sorted. "Be ready for random changes."

Randa nodded, making sure to clap along with the bits when the Hat called out Gryffindor, though her attention had drifted to Snape, who was standing in the middle of the crowd and looking very small.

There were more lurches when Remus, then Peter, then James were called up in turn, but this time they weren't so jarring.

"Hey, look, you remembered to have Dumbledore stand up for his speech!" Randa whispered, elbowing Rina playfully. Rina stuck her tongue out.

The Generic Food appeared and the agents, realizing they were starving, dug in.

"Mmm... can't remember the last time we got anything to eat," Randa managed to say around a mouthful of food.

"Yesterday...ish. In Redmont." Rina took a swig of pumpkin juice and belched. "Remember?"

"I'd rather not. Remember what that Sue decided to do in the tavern?" Both girls shuddered simultaneously.

Randa nearly upset her goblet when pureblood went crawling over her plate. Rina seized the mini and tossed it through yet another portal. The Sue kept chattering with the canons, completely oblivious to the commotion just a few feet down the table.

Sirius made a very hamfisted joke about being named after the Dog Star, which caused Randa to bury her face in her robes to muffle her laughter.

"Rina," she gasped between giggles, "you have no sense of comedic timing."

The Marauders all got around to talking about their families, which led to a particularly bad paragraph:

**Remus shook his head as though to clear it. "She's a muggleborn. She used to be a Healer at St. Mungo's, but quit when I was bi-" He cut himself off, then continued. "When I was born."**

Rina pushed her plate away, no longer hungry. "If he kept making mistakes like that, he wouldn't have lasted one day," she muttered, as the Sue's accusing voice rose over the babble. "And his mother' a Muggle! She couldn't have been training to be a Healer!"

"Oh, don't be so negative! Look, you spelled 'desserts' right!" Randa helped herself to some pie. "Want some?"

Rina shook her head, still feeling ill.

"Fine, more for me!"

After an unspecified amount of time, the desserts vanished and Dumbledore stood up for his Generic Speech, reminding students to not go into the Forbidden Forest, introducing the new Defense teacher, and blah blah blah.

At last, the characters exited the Great Hall and the agents were free to portal a little forward in the story, up to the Gryffindor common room. Rina took her usual place on the hearth rug while Randa stretched out on the sofa.

"You know," Rina said, yawning hugely, "this is actually not too bad."

"Eh, my bed's more comfortable," Randa disagreed, shifting around in an attempt to get comfortable. "'Night, Rina."

"'Night. Oh, and-" Rina was cut off by another yawn. "charge for... prophetic... dreams..."

The night passed without incident, though both agents were rudely awakened when James came running into the common room, closely pursued by a pink-haired Sirius. Rina grabbed Randa and they hurried to stand next to some bit characters, Rina turning away from the spectacle so the Sue wouldn't recognize her.

**Sirius had pinned James to the floor. "Change my hair back," he growled menacingly.**

**"Never!" James struggled to get up.**

**"Hey, boys," Elizabeth called. "I know you find me so irresistable that you're willing to fight to the death over me, but my heart belongs to someone else." Sirius and James, their scuffle momentarily forgotten, stared at her, openmouthed. **

"Please kill me," Rina moaned, burying her face in her hands.

After some 'witty banter', Remus finally changed Sirius' hair back to normal. And then Sirius noticed the Sue's hair.

Rina started beating her head against the wall as Sirius proceeded to make an ass of himself, mocking the Sue for not being very girly. The Sue retorted with something that the narrative insisted was a scathing remark. It came across as something more like a childish insult.

"Congratulations for making a Sue whose hair doesn't resemble a luxurious waterfall?" Randa said halfheartedly.

Rina just gave a strangled sort of moan.

"You know," Randa said, changing the topic, "it's a bit odd that all these firsty-mcgursties are able to do all this magic already."

Rina rubbed her forehead. "Yeah, especially considering they haven't had a single class yet. I guess it never occurred to me that just reading the book wasn't the same as practice…" Her eyes widened in horror. "Oh geez, that sounds like Umbridge logic!"

Randa's stomach rumbled when Sirius mentioned breakfast.

"Oh, fine, we can go eat," Rina said. She turned, still making sure to keep her face pointed away from the Sue, and exited the common room. Just as they were turning the corner, the Marauders and Sue went running past, the Sue not even apologizing when she bumped into Rina.

"God, I know I planned on making her a bitch later on, but geez," Rina said, rubbing her arm and glaring after the Sue.

"Come again?" Randa asked.

Rina shrugged. "Well, I mean, James and Sirius were massive dicks to Snape, you know? I figured hanging out with people like them..." Rina just shrugged again. "It's just another one of those things that kept me in denial."

"As opposed to demississippi?" Randa asked innocently.

Rina swatted her.

They followed the Marauders down to the Great Hall ("Wow, I'm surprised they didn't get lost," Randa remarked.) and sat down, watching when Lily and two bit characters stopped the Sue about the 'nightmare' from the previous night. In short, it caused the Sue to start crying, which gave the Marauders an excuse to comfort her.

"Incoming Howler," Rina sighed, plugging her ears. Randa did likewise.

Walburga Black's magically enhanced screams echoed throughout the Great Hall, though her Howler seemed pathetically short considering how angry she was. Barely a moment later, it fell silent.

Randa hesitantly lowered her ears. "Is it over?"

"Yeah, and now McGonagall's gonna give Remus some info about what to do during the full moon and nobody cares. Let's just eat."

After a few minutes, James suggested the Marauders go ahead to class.

**"Shouldn't we wait for Remus?" Peter asked. "I don't want him to have to find his way on his own- it's not like he has a map or anything..."**

"Hurdurr, see? It's foreshadowing!" Rina began shredding a piece of toast. "Stupid- Suethor- can't even- guh!"

"Uh-oh." Randa was watching the scene unfold and had a nasty feeling she knew what was going to happen next: Sirius had just made the mistake of annoying the Sue.

**Elizabeth pulled out her wand. "Don't make me hex you, _Siri_." Her tone was deadly quiet. Peter gulped.**

**Sirius' smirk grew more pronounced. "I'd like to see you try."**

"Now he's done it." Randa glanced at Rina, who was staring straight ahead, her shoulders tense.

"I wrote a Bitch!Sue," she growled.

**"Locomorter Mortis!" Elizabeth snapped, pointing her wand at his legs. James and Peter looked at him. He didn't seem any different.**

**"Oh, wow, that was terrifying," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Let's go, I don't want to be late for class our first day." He tried to take a step forward.**

**He fell on his face instead.**

**"MISS AUBEREY!" McGonagall had returned with Remus.**

**"Busted," James muttered.**

"Busted indeed," Randa said. "Come on, Rina, we can move forward if you want-"

Rina brushed her off.

"Or not, that's cool-"

Randa was cut off when the story randomly switched to Remus's POV, jerking the agents out of their seats and flinging them back several minutes, finally dumping them unceremoniously in the abandoned classroom where Remus and McGonagall were talking. As luck would have it, Randa was dropped right next to yet _another_ mini-Aragog.

"What is thisss?" Pomferey hissed, clacking its pincers and crawling onto Randa's chest. Randa bit back a yell and threw the mini off of her; it cackled and scuttled up the wall, disappearing behind a bookshelf before Randa could send it to the HFA.

Rina hauled the bookshelf aside and Randa zapped the mini before it could escape.

"It's a good thing we got that one when we did," Rina said, panting as she pushed the bookshelf back into place. "I think I was misspelling 'Pomfrey' into the third fic…"

They slipped out of the room, treading quietly so they didn't alert the canons, and lounged outside the Great Hall until the story caught up with itself. The Sue was unbelievably rude to Professor McGonagall in regards to losing points. Of course, Remus had to ask what prompted the Sue's hexing of Sirius.

**"My dear Lizzie here just took offense at her new nickname," Sirius said, dusting himself off. Remus bit his lip at that. _Dear Lizzie? Since when was she Sirius' dear?_**

"Yeah, since when?" Rina actually looked a little green. She and Randa moved to either side of the doors when the Marauders plus Sue went running off to their first class; the Sue glanced suspiciously at Rina as she ran past.

"Rina, I know you're gonna hate me for saying this," Randa began.

Rina sighed. "Yeah, yeah, too conspicuous. Hold this." She started digging into her pockets, dumping various things into Randa's arms while she searched for the D.O.R.K.S. Thankfully, it still looked like a copy of _Magical Me_ and she was able to find it without too much trouble. One flash of light later and she was blonde-haired and blue-eyed once again.

"We're never speaking of this again, okay?" Rina said, impatiently brushing several long strands of hair out of her face.

Randa dug a hair tie out of her own pocket and offered it to Rina. "Here."

The girls followed the characters up the stairs, staying close enough that they could hear the conversation. The Marauders plus Sue were interrogating Remus about why McGonagall had pulled him aside.

"Any second now..." Rina muttered.

**"I have to go," Remus blurted out, rushing past his friends. He could feel their eyes on him as he whipped around a corner and out of sight.**

Randa patted Rina on the arm.

Rina rubbed her face. "It's a freaking miracle he wasn't discovered until second year in canon," she sighed. "At least, considering how he's been acting here..."

"Bruh, stop being so hard on yourself," Randa said, shaking her head. "I mean, this isn't nearly as bad as a lot of first-timers' fics, right?"

"Bad enough it was deemed mission-able," Rina said gloomily.

**"Somebody really needs to make a map of this place," Peter said as they wandered about on the fourth floor.**

**"Let me know when that happens," James said gloomily. **

Rina slid a hand down her face. "Holy mother of all things good, why?!"

Randa shushed her; the Marauders had stopped outside the Transfiguration classroom and were now debating who to send in to talk to Remus. Naturally, they decided on the Sue. Rina buried her face in her hands.

**"Hey, Remus," Elizabeth said in a voice that sounded way too cheery to her. She plunked her bag on the table. Remus didn't look up. She moved his stack of books to the floor. That got his attention.**

**"Hey!" he protested, lunging for the books. Elizabeth grabbed his wrists before he could reach them. "Let go!" He squirmed, trying to break free.**

**"Look at me!" Elizabeth commanded. Beautiful blue eyes looked into hazel as Remus stopped fighting. Elizabeth was momentarily distracted by his eyes- _Merlin, they were blue- _**

_"FUCK EVERYTHING, THEY WERE GREEN!" _Rina screamed.

It went quiet in the classroom.

"Shit," Randa whispered into the silence. She stuck her head around the door, waving at the stunned canons and bits. "Hi, kiddos. Don't mind us, my friend and I were having an argument about the color of the... Holyhead Harpies' robes. Also, don't say that word. It's a bad word. Ta-ta!" She ducked back and jabbed a finger at Rina. "Look, you can throw all the tantrums you want in HQ, but you have _got_ to stop yelling in the middle of missions!"

Rina ducked her head. "Sorry," she muttered.

Randa rubbed her temples. "I can't take you anywhere."

Meanwhile, after a moment of stunned silence, the Sue continued on with the scene as if nothing had happened. Rina groaned when the Sue 'solemnly swore' to not pry into Remus' affairs.

"Please kill me," she whispered to Randa.

Randa pretended to think about it. "Well, if you really want me to..."

Rina swatted her. "No, but you can play me at cards while we wait. Oh, and expect an explosion sometime near the end of class; Peter blows up his match."

"Or we could just skip ahead to more chargeworthy stuff," Randa suggested. "You couldn't pay me to play another game of Go Fish."

"...Or we could do that." Rina looked disgruntled.

Randa took them to the Potions storeroom, where they would be able to witness the class in all its glory.

"I guess it kind of makes sense that Slughorn would be an asshole," Rina said sullenly when the professor in question asked Remus to move to the back of the class. "Considering he seemed just a bit prejudiced against Muggle-borns..."

"Just a bit," Randa said vaguely, risking holding the door open by an inch so she could get a good look at Snape. She muttered something rude when the rest of the Marauders moved to join Remus in the back, blocking her view momentarily.

"Look, nothing else happens until late afternoon in the common room; let's just skip ahead," Rina said. She ran her fingers over a jar labeled 'Bat Spleens'. "Eugh, that's nasty."

"Mmm," Randa said, still eyeing Snape. Rina turned around.

"What are you looking at?" she asked, edging closer to the door and peering out. "...Snape? Really? You never seemed that enthusiastic before."

Randa shrugged. "Never really had the chance to watch him be awesome at Potions before, did I?"

"But... I thought you liked Ganon. Ganondorf? Whatever his name is?" Rina shrugged defensively when Randa turned slowly to look at her.

"I'm allowed to have _favorites_, aren't I?"

"Meep."

Randa rolled her eyes and flicked Rina lightly. "Let's just go." She gave Rina a small shove through the portal.

Rina stumbled as she emerged in the next chapter, in the middle of a dungeon corridor. "Wait- I thought we were going to the common room next?" Her eyes wide and she looked very jumpy.

"Meh, I scanned the Words. Nothing seemed very chargeworthy," Randa said, pocketing her RA and looking around. "So where's the Sue-?"

Rina clamped a hand over Randa's mouth and dragged her behind a tapestry that hid a narrow staircase.

"The Sue and Remus are under the Invisibility Cloak, you idiot," she hissed. "You're lucky they weren't in the corridor yet!"

Randa pried Rina's hand away from her mouth. "Okay, I'm sorry! I'll be more careful next time!" She twitched the tapestry aside so they could see what was going on.

Lucius Malfoy came striding down the corridor, went around the corner, and past the (invisible) Sue and Remus, who set off after him.

"...The narrative says he's a sixth-year 'prefect', Randa said quietly. "Is that right?"

Rina screwed up her face. "Aw crap, gimme a minute..." She was silent for a long time. "Well, Lucius was born in 1954, but JKR hasn't said what month, so he could have started school in either '65 or '66..." She shrugged. "So he was either a fifth or sixth year at this point." She looked mildly pleased with herself. "Hey, something I managed to not screw up!"

"Good for you," Randa said distractedly, sticking her head around the tapestry. "Come on, let's go."

They snuck down the corridor, though it was very nerve-wracking to be stalking invisible people. You never knew when or if they would happen to glance behind them.

Malfoy got to the blank wall that marked the entrance to the Slytherin common room and gave the password, which was the very creative and highly original 'Parselmouth'.

"Dammit," Rina muttered. "Look, we can skip ahead to the-" she winced, "scene in the dorms. All that happens is they find the kitchens next and bring back some food."

Randa's hand hovered over her pocket. "How bad is it?"

As way of answer, Rina buried her face in her hands.

"That bad, huh?" Randa gave her friend a small hug. "I promise to not laugh."

Rina giggled weakly. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

Randa keyed in the coordinates and opened a portal outside the Gryffindor boys' dorms. Her mouth started watering at the smell of Hogwarts food wafting from under the door.

After the Marauders and Sue finished eating, Remus and the Sue told everyone else about the kitchens.

**"How did you find the pear, though?"**

**"I told you, Remus brushed past it." Elizabeth rolled her eyes. How hard could it be for him to listen for once?**

**"I mean, what was he doing so close to the wall?" Sirius' tone was too innocent for Elizabeth's liking and she hesitated, sensing a trap.**

"Here we go," Rina moaned.

**"Cone again?" she said suspiciously. "Professor Dranseau was coming, so I pushed Remus against the wall-"**

**"HA!" Sirius yelled, making them all jump. He batted his eyelashes at her. "And then you two started SNOGGING!"**

Randa's face turned bright red and she stuffed a fist into her mouth, fighting valiantly to not laugh. Rina sank to the floor and buried her face in her knees.

**"WHAT!" Elizabeth and Remus yelled.**

**Elizabeth's face was burning. "We're ELEVEN, Sirius, E-LEV-EN! I wouldn't- I- we- oh, for Merlin's sake, I don't have to listen to this! Good NIGHT!"**

**"Oh, so you didn't enjoy it? That's a shame. I-" Sirius was cut off as Remus, red in the face, launched himself at his friend. **

Randa yelped as her CAD caught fire; she ripped it out of her pocket and threw it on the ground, stomping on it in an effort to put it out. Rina dug out her own CAD, her face screwed up in pain when her fingers came into contact with melted, burning plastic.

The dormitory door slammed open, the Sue framed in the middle. She stared at them.

Rina and Randa froze- and then Rina, panicking, hurled her flaming CAD at the Sue's face. The Sue screamed and pulled out her wand.

"_Flipendo!_" she yelled. A jet of orange light hit Rina in the chest; she was thrown backward and tumbled down the stairs.

Randa jumped at the Sue, grabbing her wand arm and forcing the tip away from her face. The Sue bit down on Randa's hand, sinking her teeth in deep. Randa yelled but refused to let go, instead twisting the Sue's arm so she was forced to drop her wand. Randa kicked it away and proceeded to put the Sue in a headlock.

"Elizabeth Auberey," she panted, tightening her hold when the Sue tried to wriggle free, "you are charged with multiple canon offenses, including but not limited to being a fifth Marauder, creating a mini-army of mini-Aragogs, and multiple instances of absolutely horrible characterization."

Rina grabbed the banister and hauled herself upright, panting. Her lip was split and there was a trickle of blood running down her chin. She grabbed the Sue and helped Randa wrestle her to the floor. Rina sat on top of the Sue.

"You know something, you stupid Sue?" Rina said calmly. "For all your talk about how much you love Remus, you'd have been doing him a favor by leaving him alone."

"But we're destined to be together!" the Sue protested, still struggling to escape. "And I'm not a Mary Sue! My author said so!"

A feral grin appeared on Rina's face. "Yeah, I did say that, didn't I? But that was before I finally realized the truth. And now I'm fixing my mistake."

The Sue's eyes widened, but Rina's hands had already closed around her neck.

When the Sue lay dead on the floor, Rina stood up, brushed her hands off on her jacket, and smiled bitterly. "Let's get the Marauders sorted out and dispose of her later," she said, scooping up the Sue's wand. Her fingers tingled with warmth when she touched it, but she quickly shoved it in her pocket.

"Man, we'll have a pretty nice wand collection soon, at the rate we're going," Randa said, rubbing her arm where the Sue had bitten her. "Good thing she didn't break the skin," she said, examining the red mark. "Otherwise, I might start turning into a Sue every full moon!"

Rina rolled her eyes and strode into the Marauders' dorm.

Thanks to Remus and Sirius' fistfight, the canons hadn't noticed the commotion out in the corridor, but now Sirius was sitting on Remus' chest, a bemused expression on his face. James rubbed his eyes and stared at the scene like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"What happened?" Peter asked, blinking rapidly and shaking his head.

"Please get off me," Remus said quietly.

Sirius hastened to comply, turning to the girls.

"You saw nothing," he said, his cheeks coloring.

"Actually, that's what I was about to say," Rina quipped, pulling out her sunglasses and neuralyzer. Randa did the same.

A bright flash later, the girls left the dorm, shutting the door behind them and staring at the corpse on the steps.

"Lake?" Randa suggested.

"Lake sounds good."

Randa opened a portal under the Sue's body, which fell through with a satisfying _splash_.

Rina wiped the water off her face and grimaced. "Let's never talk about this mission again, okay?"

Randa just patted her arm and opened a portal back to Headquarters.

Rina collapsed on the sofa, one arm flung over her eyes. "It's probably a good thing we ended things when we did, actually," she said as Randa sat next to her. "Near the end of the story, she would have gotten bitten by a non-transformed Remus and then lots of drama. And I mean lots. And don't get me started on the bits with Greyback in the sequels…"

Randa winced and kicked off her boots. "Yeah, that sounds bad."

"Like you can't believe." Rina removed her arm and sat up, stretching and yawning. "You know what, I think I'll try to squeeze in a nap before the next mission-"

Randa yelped and tried to clap a hand over Rina's mouth, but it was too late.

[BEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Rina cursed and went to the mysteriously-fixed console, muttering unpleasant things about Upstairs. She punched the button and scanned the mission report.

"...Randa?"

"Don't tell me it's a _Zelda_ fic," Randa said flatly.

"...Have you ever heard of one called _My Inner Life_?"

Randa's scream could be heard echoing in the corridor.

* * *

><p><em>Oh yeah, and <em>My Inner Life_ belongs to Link's Queen. Dear god, what have I agreed to?_


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